Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
Thank you for writing to AboutIslam. I am sorry to hear about how you have been treated, especially the cruel remarks from your family.
Often, I have seen previous clients who were subjected at an early age to abusive remarks concerning their looks because their family members were jealous.
The girls who had experienced similar treatment were, in fact, very beautiful girls; however, members of their family feared their beauty and would often criticize their looks to make their self-esteem plummet.
This may be the case in your situation sister. I am not sure, but it seems as it would make sense that a child becomes depressed after years of hearing such negative remarks.
People can be very cruel, and it is hard for one to imagine strangers, especially family, telling someone that s/he is “ugly”.
Also, it is possible sister that after the age of 11, as you started to develop as a young woman, they said you were “ugly” in order to prevent you from feeling beautiful and confident, possibly fearing that you would not bother to develop your spiritual or academic sides if beauty was a main focus.
However, there is no excuse for abuse and for whatever reason it occurred, it was wrong. “Allah creates each of His creatures with His Beauty.
Physical beauty is really a cultural construct. For example, for so long, Japanese found the neck to be especially beautiful.
In the USA, until recently, it was breasts. Allah gave you the body that you are in.
A body is a vessel for the Light Being that He created.
It is a vessel for your soul so that you can complete your work on this earth.
We must love this vessel and take care of it, and appreciate it.
We must never care about the worldly opinions, and truly appreciate what Allah has given to us.”
Sister we cannot go back in time; we can only move forward.
We can’t change the “meanness” of others, but we can change the way we react to them and their comments.
I suggest sister that you use this as an opportunity to make two lists.
On one list, I want you to take a good look at yourself.
Pretend you are looking at a stranger; try to erase from your mind all the negative things people have said about you from your mind.
Then, I want you to in sha’ Allah make a list of 15 of the positive attributes you see.
It may be your eyes, your skin, your hair, the way you smile.
List them; they are there! You may have to practice this a few times as for years you have been criticized, but they are there hidden beneath the pain and hurt.
In sha’ Allah, you must begin to see yourself as you truly are, and not as some of those around you have ingrained you to believe.
Secondly, I would like you to make a list of 15 things that you consider your good qualities.
Examine some of your Islamic, academic, and social attributes.
They could include charity work, keeping your five daily prayers, studying Qur’an, helping others, or being a good friend, and so on.
Psychology Today brings out some good points relating to perceived beauty. “Our ‘internal mirrors’ are often shaped by our parents, contends psychoanalyst Vivian Diller.
A child, whose parents tell him he’s ugly, will have to overcome that perception…”
In sha’ Allah sister, you may have some work to do due to familial cruelty, but by the time you get through your lists, you should have a pretty good idea of what you actually possess in the way of looks (beauty), good Islamic values, as well as social and academic skills.
I am sure that in sha’ Allah you will begin to see a different picture of yourself which, in turn, will help you gain confidence to make new friends and ignore rude people.
In sha’ Allah, this will decrease your depression and give you a new joy for life.
While it may have been somewhat unsettling to find your diary full of pain and sadness from years ago, perhaps in sha’ Allah, it opens a new chapter in your life of healing. Allah (swt) knows best.
Also, as you mentioned, wanting to get married and to be loved for you and the way you look.
Look around you at recently married or even older couples.
Are all of them very good looking? Don’t both of the partners seem to have at least one physical defect or blemish?
Does everyone you know in your social circle, who recently got married, look like they stepped off a fashion runway?”
Sister, I am sure you are beautiful despite being told for year the contrary.
However, everyone has some imperfections, and it is these imperfections that are often endearing to the ones who love us.
In fact, Psychology Today sates “the easiest way to influence how others view you is to demonstrate that you like them, say Ann Demarais and Valerie White, psychologists and authors of First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You.
If you express interest in what others say, or smile and lightly touch their arm, they will likely feel flattered, comfortable around you and even more attracted to you. A person, who finds you likable, will probably never notice your imperfections.”
Sister, some of the most attractive attributes a girl can possess is confidence, a happy disposition and a sincere love of Allah (swt). I suggest that you strengthen your relationship with Allah (swt) through prayer and du’aa’.
He (swt) created you and He (swt) knows your heart, your sadness and your wishes. Trust in Allah (swt).
As far as thinking about not wanting to live because you feel you are ugly and you are depressed, I suggest you think about how Allah (swt) created you with loving care and that He (swt) creates each of His creatures with His Beauty…”
If after following the suggestions in this response, you still feel depressed, and “ugly”, I encourage you to seek professional counseling to sort out the deeply rooted negative messages you have been getting throughout your life.
However, my dear sister, I have confidence in you that in sha’ Allah, if you find and focus on the truth, the reality of the beautiful young woman you are both physically and spiritually, you will come to realize your full happiness.
Please let us know how you are doing; you are in our prayers.
Salam,
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