In this counseling answer:
The counselor believes if you and your husband explore the insecurities behind the fear of being truthful with each other, you will be giving yourselves an opportunity to grow closer together on a heart level. She advises to give yourself time to process the negative energy and your anger and pray to Allah for help.
As-Salam ‘Alaykum Sister,
I appreciate your sincere efforts to work through your negative feelings about this situation. Sometimes we are harsh with ourselves for having normal feelings of a human being, especially if we are in the field of helping others. But your feelings are real; they are human, and they are acceptable.
The real goal here is to find a way to work through your feelings of hurt and betrayal while preserving the good in your relationship. It is possible to come to a place in your heart where you have genuinely forgiven your husband for hiding the truth of his past from you. You feel deceived which is a form of betrayal, and I really do understand that.
It is very likely that you have already thought this through. But I will state this here. Your husband may have been afraid to tell you the truth. He may have wanted you to marry him so very much that he lied to you about his past because he was afraid that you would reject him if you knew the truth. It is unlikely that his past experience would prevent him from loving you with all his heart and from being 100% your husband.
It is actually possible to turn this event into an experience that can bring the two of you closer together in spirit if you are open to this. If you and your husband explore the insecurities behind the fear of being truthful with each other, you will be giving yourselves an opportunity to grow closer together on a heart level. This is the “soul” purpose of marriage and a process well worth the effort.
Love is understanding and knowing another person on a very deep level and accepting that human being unconditionally. The achievement of this deep level of understanding and of knowing another human being on this deep soul level is a process as the layers of each individual in the union is gently peeled back – one layer at a time and with an open heart and quiet mind. You can choose to look at this new development as an opportunity to open your heart and mind and move toward a meaningful dialogue that will provide the environment for your husband to tell you why he felt the need to lie to you, and how he really feels about you and your marriage. You might be touched, and you might soften once you hear what he has to say.
With that said, give yourself time to process the negative energy and your anger. It is ok that you feel this for now. But process it in such a way that it dissipates and eventually disappears like boiling water evaporates from the pan when it is heated by the fire on a stove. Once you feel your emotions and feelings shift, allow the steam to evaporate and transform into empowering energy in order to increase your understanding and open your heart. Cooled steam can soften your skin and allow you to let the elements in the environment in – just as you are allowing yourself to soften so that you can allow the truth of your husband’s heart enter into yours.
Don’t forget to pray to Allah (swt) as Allah (swt) is the heart of hearts and the opener of heart. All love is from Allah (swt). There is no love, nor can any human being truly love without the love of Allah (swt).
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