While I was married, my husband cheated on me and left me with a 6-month-old baby to take care of for the other woman. He put our baby’s life in jeopardy going out with his mistress and leaving our sick baby at home with no means of getting to a doctor.
Subhan Allah, by His grace my baby survived. It was two months later that he decided he wanted to come back to us. I decided to take him back as everyone makes mistakes and I didn’t want my child to grow up in a broken home. I became pregnant once again, and because our child was only 8 months old at the time, I panicked.
I couldn’t trust that my husband had truly changed and that he would stay. I remembered how easily he put our child’s life at risk, and I didn’t want to be left on my own to raise two kids. I was very distraught, and I did not want this baby. I did not want another child with him, and sadly I aborted the baby before I was 8 weeks pregnant.
That was 12 years ago, and my husband did leave us after all. My actions eat me up every day and I’m so ashamed of what I’d done. I pray for forgiveness, but how could Allah SWT ever forgive a mother who killed her own child.
What have I done? I am broken inside and I cannot mend it. I've heard that babies who don't survive beg Allah on the day of judgment to grant their mothers Jannah, so that they may finally be with them. What will my baby do after knowing that I killed him because I was too scared to let him live?
I know that babies come with their own barakah from Allah SWT, but I still could not do it. What kind of a mother kills her own child out of fear? Will Allah SWT ever forgive me? Will my baby ever forgive me? Please help me. I don't know what to do. May Allah SWT and my baby forgive me. I cannot forgive myself.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Trauma is a serious mental health condition and it needs to be treated by a mental health professional in your area.
• Please do check out our section on how other Muslim women have coped with abortions.
• As it has been 12 years since this incident and you are still carrying it with you, I am wondering if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, or unresolved trauma.
• Forgive yourself.
• Seek counseling.
Assalamu alaykum dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us with your most heartfelt issue and for trusting us with your feelings. Sister, it is such a grievous burden that you have been carrying emotionally. As you described, your husband cheated on you approximately 12 years ago. This had a very adverse effect on you, quite naturally, and you were devastated.
Not only did he hurt you, but according to you he also put your baby’s life in jeopardy by going out with his mistress while your baby was sick. This can be quite traumatic especially for a new mom.
Cheating & Reuniting
Sadly, sister, we have no control over how spouses will respond or react once we are married. We can only pray to Allah, use good judgment when choosing spouses, and hope for the best in situations like these. While the situation worked out that he did come back and you got pregnant again, it was too soon for you to emotionally handle all these factors.
Emotions and Trauma
As you indicated, he came back 2 months later, and you got pregnant right away. Your first baby was only 8 months old. I can imagine, you were still recovering from the aftermath of your husband’s cheating and neglect.
You did indicate that at that time you didn’t trust him. Sister, based on what you have written, it sounds like you were traumatized due to your husband’s actions. I cannot diagnose you so I may be wrong, but it is a possibility.
Trauma is a serious mental health condition and it needs to be treated by a mental health professional in your area. Your mental health status may be part of the reason why you cannot let go of your guilt, remorse, shame, and regret after all these years. Trauma, depression, and other mental health issues can prevent us from healing and overcoming our hurts in this life.
Rationalizing Emotional Fragility
Sister, as you stated, your husband came back two months after the cheating incident. You did not have time to seek treatment, heal, recover, and gain trust. You were still in a very fragile state and as a result, you did get an abortion when you found out you were pregnant, and it appears to be within the Islamic guidelines.
According to AboutIslam, “Abortion after 120 days is akin to taking a life, for that is the time when the soul is breathed into the fetus; abortion before that is considered sinful unless there are reasons warranting it; the health challenges of the mother can be one of those conditions”. Thus, you were well under 120 days, sister.
Additionally, the soul was not breathed into the fetus at the time you got the abortion. Medical conditions must also be considered when contemplating this most difficult decision, which would also include your mental health.
At the time you decided to get an abortion, you may have not been of sound mind due to what you had been through. Sister, back then only you knew what you were capable of handling emotionally. Only Allah knows if this were the case, and Allah knows best.
Making Difficult Choices
Based on your emotional condition and the state of your marriage, perhaps you made a wise choice. It was a difficult decision, but Allah knows best. As you know, there are Islamic provisions for abortions. It appears that you were within these provisions as illustrated above. And Allah knows best. In this regard, our scholars at Ask the Scholar could help you further.
Check out this counseling video:
Sister, you made a choice, as other Muslim women must do, regarding abortion. Please do check out our section on how other Muslim women have coped with abortions. In shaa’ Allah, it will be of some comfort and benefit.
Repenting for Sins and Leaving Them in The Past
I’m sure that you repented to Allah for the grievous action that you had to take for your own emotional stability. Sister, once we sincerely repent to Allah, we are to leave our sins/actions which we seek forgiveness for in the past.
When we repent, we are saying that we trust in Allah to forgive us, and Allah loves to forgive. When we trust in His forgiveness, we stop bringing it up, whether in our minds, hearts, or discussions. When you give something to somebody, you don’t hang on to it, do you?
When we give Allah our sins and ask Him and beg Him to forgive us, we should trust in Allah that the matter is forgiven and let it go. By hanging onto thoughts of our sins or actions after we have given them to Allah, we are not only hurting ourselves, but we are doubting Allah’s mercy, which we should not do.
Human Feelings and Emotions
As humans, we have feelings, emotions, and remorseful thoughts when we do wrong. It is natural to often think about these things long after. However, we must work on our faith in Allah to know that He has forgiven us.
We must move on and forward. As it has been 12 years since this incident and you are still carrying it with you, I am wondering if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, or unresolved trauma.
You did mention that your ex-husband ended up leaving you and the baby as you thought he would. I am wondering if you got counseling and had a chance to heal and move on with your life, except for the abortion.
Importance of Counseling
If it is true that you did not receive counseling and are still suffering from the effects of what your husband did during your marriage, it may in part explain why you are so heavily grievous after all these years.
Don’t get me wrong, abortion is a very traumatic and sad decision for a woman to make. However, usually over time the emotions heal, and she can move on knowing that she took the best course of action. In your case, it has been over 12 years, yet you still feel extreme shame, guilt, and remorse.
Forgiving Oneself
Sister, you still feel the need to pray for forgiveness, even though I’m sure you’ve repented. You still feel broken inside. The energy and time spent on this issue is energy and time taken away from your other child as well as from your life.
I kindly suggest that you seek out counseling in your area on a regular basis. You may be suffering from depression, trauma, or some other mental health issue that needs to be resolved. In shaa’ Allah, please also make duaa that Allah relieves you of these painful feelings.
Ask Allah to help you to build up your faith and realize that Allah loves you and that He loves to forgive. It appears, dear sister, that you now need to forgive yourself. Sister, please do get counseling so that you may begin to heal. In shaa’ Allah, set your resolve to leave this chapter of your life behind, as you have already given it to Allah.
We wish you the best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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