Dealing with Anger in Marriage

21 March, 2021
Q I got married two years ago and have one child with him who is 6 months old. I have other kids from my previous marriage. He is, ma sha’ Allah, a good husband and my kids accept him as a step-father. The problem is that I cannot control my anger and I tend to say what is in my mind without thinking. Every time we have a fight, my only solution is to ask him to divorce me which drives him crazy. I am afraid that I am going to lose him if I continue this. Of course, I don't want that, but I don't know how to control myself. I need some help, please. Thank you.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Getting married and having a child are two major life transitions that require quite a bit of adjustment. It is common to feel ungrounded during these big transitions. The counselor advises the sister to get counseling (maybe couple-counseling, if possible) to process her personal journey and spend more time learning about anger management and how to resolve it.


A-Salaamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Firstly, have more compassion for yourself. Getting married and having a child are two major life transitions that require quite a bit of adjustment. It is common to feel ungrounded during these big transitions. Sometimes we get emotionally overwhelmed and sensitive.

I encourage you to get counseling to process your personal journey. The anger outbursts are a symptom of deeper pain that could be caused for a number of reasons.

Emotions are energy and need to be transferred. If you are not exercising or getting good rest, for example, you are more likely to experience emotional imbalance and outbursts.

The mind offers us thoughts which influence our moods and behaviors. It is possible that you have imbalanced fear-based thoughts which make you feel threatened and insecure, thus you reject your husband before you are rejected (“I want a divorce”).

Background could influence why you react the way you do. Were your parents fighting and threatening by divorce a lot? If so, then this could be a clue as to the frame of reference you use to deal with your frustration.

Ask yourself:

  • How is my overall health?
  • What can be improved and nurtured with mind-body-soul?
  • What are my life activity patterns?
  • Do I get out much?
  • Socialize?
  • Explore and try new things?
  • Gain new knowledge?
  • Does my life feel stagnant in routine? (which causes a lot of frustration)
  • Are there goals I want to achieve but feel constricted to do so?

If you really want to improve your marriage then invest in yourself. Take care of every aspect of your being (mind-body-soul). You should also consider couple’s counseling to help you and your husband improve your marriage experience.

If you cannot get counseling, spend more time learning about anger management and how to resolve it. Search articles and helpful tips and, in sha’ Allah, you will find healing.

To get started, please read Controlling Anger Before it Controls You.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

More from counselor Karim Serageldin:

How to Tell My Wife I’m Depressed?

 

About Karim Serageldin
Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting