I Can’t Bear Living with My Father-in-Law & His Wife | About Islam
Home > Ask the Counselor > In-laws > I Can’t Bear Living with My Father-in-Law & His Wife

I Can’t Bear Living with My Father-in-Law & His Wife

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 19, 2019

Question

My father in law has never liked me since I got married with his son. He did not want to move in with us. He left, then after 1 year he got married at the age of 62 and bought his new wife with her child without even telling us. It’s been 3 years now we live together. I want them to move out. They both work. Please tell me if I am doing it wrong.

Counselor

Answer


I Can’t Bear Living with My Father-in-Law & His Wife

In this counseling answer:

•I would kindly suggest discussing with your husband a phasing out approach.

•To understand what the best way is to move with a situation such as this, it would take your understanding of why he desires to live there as well.

•You have the right to have your own home. Please do discuss this with your husband in a kind manner. Assure him that you do love his family but would prefer the family unit to remain as you and him (and any children that you may have).


As salamu alaykum my dear sister and Ramadan Mubarak.

I am truly sorry to hear about your situation with your father-in-law. I can imagine it is most difficult living with somebody who you know does not like you and did not like you since you and his son got married. May Allah bless you for your efforts to make your father-in-law feel at home when he got kicked out of his apartment.

Living Arrangements

As I understand your situation, about a year after he moved in with you and your husband, he got married. At this point, he brought his new wife and child to move in with the family without telling you or your husband. It has been three years since he moved in. You are getting tired of the situation which is understandable.

Questions to Consider

Sister, to address your situation correctly I would ask you to reflect on the following, insha’Allah:  1. Does he treat you with respect and dignity now? 2. Is he kind to you? 3. Does he and his wife contribute to the household financially? 4 Does his wife help with the household chores? 5. Does their living with you interfere with you and your husband’s relationship? 6. Does their living there interfere with your daily worship and responsibilities to Allah? 7. What are the joys and positives of them living with you?

karim serageldin & naaila clay

Consult with your Husband

I will kindly suggest that insha’Allah you look at these questions and thoughtfully answer them. I also suggest that you discuss your concerns with your husband and point out areas wherein his fathers (and wife, child) presence may be detrimental to your household.

If there are no negatives or detriments to them being there, your husband may indeed wish to care for his father as he is nearing an elderly age. On the other hand, as his father is remarried with a new wife and child, it is his father’s responsibility to support his wife and child not you or your husband’s.

Insha’Allah, if it is a situation that is tolerable for a little while longer, and it does not affect your relationship with your husband or your faith, I would kindly suggest discussing with your husband a phasing out approach. This could be a situation wherein your father-in-law and his wife would begin to think about getting their own place. Perhaps setting up a year timeline so they can prepare.

Father in Law, Wife, Child

Your father-in-law is active and works, it’s not like he is elderly, sick, or disabled and needs help. His living with you and your husband appears to be either something that is convenient for him, or he truly does desire to be near you and your husband and share a life.

To understand what the best way is to move with a situation such as this, it would take your understanding of why he desires to live there as well. Perhaps your father-in-law changed his mind after you got married. Perhaps he truly does love and respect you sister. Perhaps he wants to be a family unit. If this were the case, I would kindly suggest that you reconsider wanting them to move out based only on the thought that he did not like you.

Your Rights as a Wife

Granted, every wife wants a home with her husband and her family. You have a right to feel comfortable in your own home. If their being there causes you much grief and anguish, you have the right to have your own home. Please do discuss this with your husband in a kind manner. Assure him that you do love his family but would prefer the family unit to remain as you and him (and any children that you may have).


Check out this counseling video


Final Assessment of the Situation

Insha’Allah, after assessing the situation your husband and you can determine which route is most beneficial for everybody involved. Please do ensure that you have looked at all sides and have the needed information to make good recommendations. I’m sure that you both will have everybody’s best interest at heart when talking about the possibility of them either staying or moving out.

We wish you the best, 

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Husband Doesn’t Want to Have a Separate Home; I’m Depressed

Husband Prefers His Parents Over Me

I’m A Slave of My Husband & His Family




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

Add Comment


find out more!