Now, I am finding out my husband is having relationships with other women. One of them lives in one of my rentals. They drink alcohol and party all the time.
I asked her to move out. My husband tells me there is nothing going on. She told me otherwise and then denied it in front of my husband. She says she is Muslim too Allah knows best.
Am I wrong for evicting her? please help.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Sister, these women are not responsible for your husband and neither are you. HE IS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE.
- Sister, importantly I need to mention this, depending where you live, it is illegal to evict someone over personal matters without just notice. I strongly encourage you to make yourself familiar with the local laws governing evictions.
- I know you are hurting Sister, but taking it out on these women doesn’t help you heal or stop him from his hurtful behaviors.
- If you seek to continue your marriage then a professional counselor can help both of you navigate this and work on repairing the marriage.
- Are you willing to stay with this man if he continues to betray you with other women and won’t work on himself? Only you can answer that but it is something to think about.
- I strongly suggest you reach out to your social support network for someone to vent with.
- Coping skills and self-care will also be a great asset during all of this. This means doing things that give you relaxation, peace, defer negative thoughts and allow you to manage your emotions in a healthy manner.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu.
It is my understanding you are married for 13 years and recently discovered your husband is spending time with other women. I also understand he is partying with them and lies about it and you have since evicted a woman over this.
Sister, importantly I need to mention this, depending where you live, it is illegal to evict someone over personal matters without just notice. Such as at least 30 days to evacuate the premises with written warning. Depending where you live, she could take you to court over this and sue you. I strongly encourage you to make yourself familiar with the local laws governing evictions.
Punishing the women
Sister, these women are not responsible for your husband and neither are you. HE IS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE. Evicting a woman out of their home doesn’t solve this and will not stop him from doing it with another woman. It simply changes the woman he does it with or he may still engage with her regardless of her moving.
I know you are hurting Sister, but taking it out on these women doesn’t help you heal or stop him from his hurtful behaviors. It shows him that you will punish women he interacts with and he can keep behaving in this manner without repercussions. He doesn’t love these women, he doesn’t care if you hurt them.
I encourage you not to become focused on the women, they are not the root issues they are just a symptom of the root. It doesn’t matter how many women you get away from him, if he wants more he will find more.
Counseling
I encourage you to consider professional counseling for you and your husband. This will create feelings of betrayal, trust has been hurt and he is also unfulfilled if he is doing this. If you seek to continue your marriage then a professional counselor can help both of you navigate this and work on repairing the marriage.
A counselor will not enable him to excuse his actions and lie about it, rather they will encourage him to be open and speak honestly. They will give you a safe place to express how hurt and betrayed you feel so he can acknowledge your emotions and take responsibility for his actions.
You can do this counseling face to face or online via video or skype calls if you feel more comfortable doing this form home. If you want an Islamic perspective, I suggest Noor Human Consulting.
Check out this counseling video:
Separation
Sister, I know this is a difficult word to read or consider but it has to be said. If your husband refuses to stop engaging with other women and will not acknowledge how he hurt you then what is the next step?
Are you willing to stay with this man if he continues to betray you with other women and won’t work on himself? Only you can answer that but it is something to think about. If he refuses to change his ways, I encourage you to utilize personal counseling to help you unpack those difficult emotions and heal as you process the possibility of separation.
Healing
This type of betrayal will leave emotional wounds that require time and effort to heal. It will not be an overnight experience and it is normal for some days to be worse than others.
If you do not utilize a counselor, I strongly suggest you reach out to your social support network for someone to vent with. This could be a trusted family member or best friend, someone you trust that listens and gives you a safe place to let out the emotions.
Coping skills
Coping skills and self-care will also be a great asset during all of this. This means doing things that give you relaxation, peace, defer negative thoughts and allow you to manage your emotions in a healthy manner. I encourage you to identify 3 positive coping skills you can utilize. Please be open-minded and don’t limit yourself on what a coping skill is, it can be anything positive that helps you manage your emotions as you heal. Here are a few examples of coping skills.
- Nature walks
- Exercise
- Cooking
- Painting
- Dancing to music
- Poetry
- Organizing a space and decorating it
- Petting animals
- Singing
- Reciting Quran
- Art projects
Final Thoughts
My dear Sister, I know this is a difficult time full of hurt. Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
- Put the focus on him, not on the girls
- Ensure you are protected legally due to the sudden eviction
- If you want to stay in this marriage, consider professional marriage counseling
- If you decide to separate, consider personal counseling
- Ponder of whether you want to stay with this man, especially if he refuses to change his ways
- Identify positive coping skills to help you during this difficult time
- Always make frequent duaa and let it all out on the prayer mat
May Allah (swt) heal your heart, protect you and guide your next steps, ameen.
Salam,
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