In this counseling answer:
• Draw closer to Allah and try to more actively practice Islam.
• You may wish to tell this girl the truth. State that you have grown in Islam and regret any wrong that you have done.
• Identifying what feelings are elicited for any given situation can help us identify our needs and desires, some often subconscious.
• Get counseling.
As-Salamu Alaykum brother,
Brother, you describe issues with your mother, your family, never being able to please your mom, her being angry, your wife working and you being lonely. However, the real issue lies within what appears to be an addiction to chatting with women online.
You indicated that you were still doing this until recently and that you committed to marrying a girl you met online. Now you are worried and stressed as you do not want to marry this girl. I can guess that you did discuss this with your family as you said your wife, mother, and your sisters know about this issue.
According to you, things have gotten better in your life. You and your wife live in the same home/building as your mom and you did move to another floor in the home, in the hopes things would improve. This has helped a lot as it decreased the negative interactions with your mom, reduced your stress and brought you and your wife closer. It was after this move that you discovered your wife was truly your life partner.
Sadly, prior to this move, you did commit to marrying that woman you met online during your chatting. Now you are worried about how to get out of it.
As you know, brother, your behaviors of chatting with women online is haram, especially as you are married. I can imagine it has hurt your wife very much. You speak about your mom and the stress that she has caused you.
You talk about your wife and how lonely you were because she worked. These are not easy situations, brother, and I do understand. However, the responsibility for your behavior of going online and chatting with women is your responsibility and your decisions. These actions have nothing to do with your mom or your wife.
I will kindly suggest that you repent to Allah and ask for His forgiveness. Draw closer to Allah and try to more actively practice Islam. If you are sincere in your repentance, things should work out in your favor regarding this girl.
As you did promise to marry her and you shared all your emotions with her, the fact is you are married and you do not intend to marry her. This was deception on your part and it is not a good thing as it will hurt this girl to find out you will not marry her. But again, you need to take responsibility. If you turn to Allah with a sincere heart, may Allah have mercy and make it easy for you to turn this wrong into a right.
Insha’Allah, you may wish to tell this girl the truth. The truth (if this is the way that you take) is that you have drawn closer to Allah and reevaluated your life and you regret that you are unable to marry her. State that you have grown in Islam and regret any wrong that you have done. Apologize for any hurt or inconvenience that you have caused her, ask for her forgiveness and wish her well. Insha’Allah, Allah will put understanding and mercy in her heart regarding this news.
Regarding your questions about if it is a sin to break off the marriage after you have committed. To my knowledge, no, it is not. But please, do get a scholarly response from our “Ask the Scholar” section as I am not an Islamic scholar.
I do know that if you marry her and you cannot treat both wives equally, you will be held accountable to Allah as there are strict rules for having more than one wife. Treating both of them equally is one.
You also asked how to break off the emotional ties. I will respond by saying that if you are truly committed to your wife and feel that she is the only true life partner for you, these emotional ties will fall away insha’Allah once you cut communication and seek forgiveness and mercy in Allah.
Again brother, this all goes back to taking responsibility for that which you have created or done as well as being a strong and faithful servant of Allah and following His commands.
Attachment Disorder or Addiction
Brother, you wanted to know why you get “involved with these ladies and get emotionally attached to them. Due to my mother attitude and lack of mother’s love?” I cannot answer that, but I do kindly suggest that insha’Allah perhaps you know.
I ask that you do some deep introspection regarding this question. Is it an addiction or do you truly crave lots of attention from other women? Insha’Allah, please do make a list of the things you feel are missing from your life in particular with your relationship with your mom. Make another list of the satisfaction you get chatting to women online.
Next to all of these items, write a few words describing the feeling that each item on the list gives you. For instance, when your mom gets angry, do you feel defeat, hurt, rejected? When you talk to women online do you feel important, loved, elated? Identifying what feelings are elicited for any given situation can help us identify our needs and desires, some often subconscious.
If you find that despite identifying your needs and seeking to satisfy them through your most loving wife you cannot refrain from seeking other women, please do get counseling. In fact, counseling would be a good idea anyhow, brother, given your history with your mom and your bouts of severe depression.
In this life, we all have shortcomings to address, we all make mistakes. Alhumdulilah, Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive. Also, alhumdulilah, your wife is very understanding and appears to be supportive even though she is hurt.
I kindly suggest, brother, that you cut off this relationship in an honest way and settle yourself in with your life with your wife. In the future when things are stressing you out, or when you feel depressed, or lonely don’t fall into the same trap of seeking relief from internet chats.
Additionally, do not blame others for your weaknesses. Take responsibility. Get counseling to help you deal with whatever the issues are that are causing this behavior as well as the depressive episodes.
In the end, we are all accountable to Allah for our behaviors. We can’t blame others. We can only rely on Allah, our own inner strength which comes from following Islam and seeking Allah’s guidance and Mercy.
Building a Foundation
Insha’Allah, you and your wife will build a strong marriage foundation on Islamic principles. Attend the Masjid regularly, read Qur’an together, and pray together. This will bring you closer as a couple and insha’Allah will help prevent further sins.
As you can see, the Quran is a complete way of life for us. It is a path that helps prevents us from hurting others, as well as hurting ourselves.
We all make mistakes, but it is never too late to repent, make things right and move forward. You have been blessed with a lot of wonderful things in your life. I am confident that you will move forward from the situation.
May Allah bless you,
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.