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Sharing Past Abuse with Future Wife

14 February, 2023
Q I'm having memories of abuse when I was a child, not certain what's real. I'm looking into therapy, scared to make that first step, insha'Allah, I will sort it out soon. But another issue I have is my parents want me to get married. I do think marriage will be good but if I find someone do I need to share this with her before the nikah? Worried about these causing issues in marriage and it would be unfair on her if I hid it. I have found someone who I intend to speak with about marriage want to start therapy before this though. Tried looking for advice about other Muslim men with this issue but can't find many, I understand men hide it since a lot of the advice I see for women. Will go to therapy just building courage, worried if I'm making stuff up.

Answer

Aisha Mohammad
14 February, 2023

Unfortunately, suffering from abuse as a child is common globally as is struggling to separate fantasy from real memories as a consequence. 

In and of itself, it is a blessing that you are able to identify that there is something to address and heal from. Particularly as a man, because many of them carry their pain without ever opening up.

The best thing to do is to start therapy, where you can work on healing your past and your memories.

The healing process would help so much in your future marriage. Try it as soon as possible, before you enter marriage and even before you start searching. 

You will feel stronger and ready to make a commitment. Then you can decide whether you want to share your past with your future spouse or not. 

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Click on the video to learn more about the importance of working on past trauma. 

More from sr. Aisha:

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childhood abuse childhood trauma past trauma getting ready for marriage
About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.