Answer
Answer:
Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh brother,
It sounds like you have faced a really tough time on a number of levels these last 10 years. What makes it seemingly more difficult is that the problems stem from your parents, and as their child, naturally this is going to make you feel very distressed.
As a child, you have a responsibility to respect them and treat them well, but at the same time it seems that your father behaves in an unacceptable manner. This can lead you to be torn as to whether to say nothing for fear of saying anything will be disrespectful, but if you don’t, then he might continue with his behavior. What makes it worse is that there seems to be animosity between your mother and father and you are caught in between the two.
Yes, Islam certainly teaches us to be patient with each other and to respect our parents, but there are certain times when it is necessary to stand up for yourself. Such times are when the perpetrator becomes abusive, as in your case. This is not acceptable.
You have done a respectable thing to stand up for the rights of your mother. Through numerous examples in the Sunnah, we know well the high regard which mothers should be held with, especially by their children, to the extent that Paradise lies at the feet of our mothers. Therefore, taking care of her could be the very thing that earns you a place in Paradise.
“It was narrated from Mu’awiyah bin Jahimah As-Sulami, that Jahimah came to the Prophet (saw) said: ‘O Messenger of Allah! I want to go out and fight (in Jihad) and I have come to ask your advice.” He said: “Do you have a mother?” He said: “Yes.” He said: “Then stay with her, for Paradise is beneath her feet.’” (An-Nasa’i)
Furthermore the Prophet Muhammad (saw) illustrated how the mother should even be favored above the father.
“Ibn Salamah As-Sulami narrated that the Prophet (saw) said: ‘I enjoin each one to honor his mother, I enjoin each one to honor his mother, I enjoin each one to honor his mother(three times), I enjoin each one to honor his guardian who is taking care of him, even if he is causing him some annoyance.’” (Ibn Majah)
Here we see that the mother is to be held in the highest regard, even over and above that of the father. However, what we can also see form this is that we still need to treat the father well even if they are causing some annoyance. This can be very difficult and certainly requires some patience. However, we can draw on an excellent example from the Quran in how to implement this.
“And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend.” (31:44)
Therefore, being calm and patient with your father, despite his bad actions, will earn you the reward of Allah (swt). It might also be such actions that seek to soften your father’s heart by seeing your mercy towards him despite his actions. Furthermore, he may also feel that he couldn’t possibly mistreat you anymore because you are being so kind to him ad may draw upon you as a good example of good manners. It can be very difficult to be kind to someone when they are being so wicked to you, but behaving nicely towards them could help to calm your anger towards him. Rest assured that Allah (swt) watches his behavior and He (swt) will be the best judge of it. That is a matter in His hands, so the best you can do for your father is to ask for his forgiveness.
We are encouraged to ask for Allah’s (swt) forgiveness regularly because He (swt) loves to forgive. So, whether you are right or wrong, Allah (swt) knows best. There is no harm in asking for His forgiveness as well praying to soften the heart of your father and make things easy on your mother. Ask Him (swt) to protect her and yourself in times like this. Many might say that to stand up for your mother against your father’s frequent harsh words and actions towards the whole family is not a sin, and whether or not you did wrong or not is for Allah to judge, but you can find comfort in the knowledge of His Mercy and Forgiveness. If you repent to Allah for sins, then in sha’ Allah He (swt) will forgive you and you won’t be subjected to any punishment.
“Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (39:53)
May Allah (swt) forgive any sin you might have committed and may He (swt) bring ease to your family. May He (swt) soften your father’s heart and guide him on the straight path. May He (swt) make things easy for you and your mum and you find strength in His remembrance.
Salam,
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