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After An Abusive Father, I Have an Abusive Husband

28 January, 2022
Q Salam Alaikum. When growing up, I had an abusive and controlling father. Now I have an abusive husband to my children. How can I help myself and my children?

Answer

In this counseling answer:

Because you grew up with an abusive father, it is possible that when choosing your spouse, you did not see little warning signs that may indicate he may be abusive.

Sister, if you do not, you will also be held accountable spiritually and legally and may have your children taken away from you for not protecting them.

If you have relatives in the area and it is safe to go there, please contact trusted relatives to see if you and the children can stay there.

Sister, once you and the children are relocated to a safe space and are stabilized, you may wish to inform your husband that he needs to go for counseling and/or a men’s group for men who are abusers.

Please seek counseling yourself as well.

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As salamu alaykum sister,

As I understand your situation sister, you grew up in a home with an abusive father and are now in an abusive marriage, one in which the children are being abused. I know this is so heartbreaking for you.

I also imagine that it took a lot of courage for you to reach out. As a loving mom, it is evident that you do not want your children to live how you had to, under oppressive and vile conditions. May Allah bless you sister in your efforts to stop this.

Growing Up with Abusive Father

Sister, because you grew up with an abusive father, it is possible that when choosing your spouse, you did not see little warning signs that may indicate he may be abusive.

Some of these warning signs are subtle and others are red flags. For instance, a man who is quick to anger, one who does not exhibit kindness and compassion towards others, one who has a need for control, one who may try to distance you from family and friends, and one who may lack empathy or concern for others are a few traits.

As your father was abusive, some of these things may have appeared normal to you. You may have thought most men are this way. Abusive men are despicable to Allah. You as your father’s daughter are a gift to him from Allah. You had the right to live and grow up in a loving peaceful home. Sadly, your father did not make that possible.

Married with Children

Now that you are grown, married, and have children, you are finding the same traits and issues in your husband that your father has. As stated earlier, it may be that you did not notice the little warning signs that he may be abusive, or perhaps you did not get to know him.

It is very important to get to know the person we are going to marry to avoid dangerous situations such as this. Granted, no one can definitively state this person will or will not be abusive, but there are little signs sometimes.

Abusive Husband/Child Abuse

Horrifyingly, as indicated in your question, your husband is abusive to your children. Your children are suffering just as you did under your father’s abuse. As you and your husband are accountable to Allah for the treatment and well-being of your children as well as keeping them safe, you cannot allow your husband to abuse your children.

Immediate Needs

Sister, in sha Allah, please do contact your nearest community health center for immediate help with leaving the home or at least getting the children to a safe space. If there is nothing near where you live, please do call the hotline for domestic violence /child abuse.

When searching for them on the Internet or calling them, please do ensure that you erase your search history as well as your call history so your husband does not find out. As he is prone to being violent, you do not want to put yourself in a dangerous situation. The immediate need to get your children to a safe place is critical.

Safe Spaces

If you have relatives in the area and it is safe to go there, please contact trusted relatives to see if you and the children can stay there.

If there is not, please check with your local Islamic center, Masjid, or seek direction from one of the counselors when insha’Allah, you call the hotline. They have many resources.

Accountability

The most important point right now is that your children’s abuse must stop immediately. In addition to your husband’s accountability to Allah for the sin and crime he is committing, you are also responsible for keeping your children safe.

 Sister, if you do not, you will also be held accountable spiritually and legally and may have your children taken away from you for not protecting them. I am sorry if this thought scares you, but in all reality, it is best to be blunt in the situation because your children are being abused.

Suggesting Counseling for Husband

Sister, once you and the children are relocated to a safe space and are stabilized, you may wish to inform your husband that he needs to go for counseling and/or a men’s group for men who are abusers.

Sometimes when the courts are involved, they will mandate this for men who have a history of abuse. As abusive men and husbands were often abused in some way as children themselves, they must work very hard to overcome these tendencies.

Counseling for Healing

Counseling would also be good for you as you have been abused and traumatized for most of your life. By choosing to get counseling and starting the healing process, you will in sha Allah begin to feel safe again as well as feel joy as the weight of the traumas are lessened.

You will also learn how to identify abusive behaviors and traits in others. In turn, you will be able to teach your children to have zero tolerance for violence or abuse.

Looking Forward: Marriage Decisions

Concerning your marriage, it is up to you whether or not you want to seek a divorce. You certainly have the right to. If you do get counseling, which I hope you do insha’Allah, this is something you may wish to speak with your counselor about.

Conclusion

Sister, sadly domestic violence and child abuse are prevalent globally. It doesn’t discriminate between countries, religions, or ethnicities.

While in some cultures do you have a more lenient attitude towards the abuse of children and women, it is still something that is abhorrent and is a sin.

Please do go to a community center where there are counselors or call the hotline for domestic violence/abuse as soon as possible.

In sha Allah find a safe space either with the help of the agencies, Islamic centers, or family members who are supportive. Your children’s well-being is at high risk and as a mom, it is imperative that you take action to save them from this.

Again, if you choose to do this please do not leave any traces behind for your husband to find out. Pray to Allah for guidance, mercy, safety, and ease.

We wish you the best.


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.