Answer
In this counseling answer:
Sometimes, in order to reach heaven, we have to walk through hell first so that we can appreciate the gift that awaits us at the end of the journey.
The counselor, thus, encourages the brother to do everything he can to make porn inaccessible. He also encourages him to seek professional help for his addiction and strengthen his relationship with Allah (swt).
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum,
I am saddened by the seriousness of your problem and the fact that you have allowed something like pornography to control your life.
The Prophet (saw) said about addictions that those with addictions in this life will be resurrected as idol worshippers. This is a serious problem that you have, no doubt.
You have opened the door to pornography and now you cannot close it. Pornography has become a major problem among the men in our community, and we are getting questions in reference to it by the dozen.
Porn watching destroys marriages, families, and the lives of those indulging in it.
On the surface, it appears harmless because of our ignorance of psychology and how images – especially those of sex – get imprinted in our minds and create a suggestive effect on our nafs (soul/self), stimulating a desire for something that is, of course, illicit.
For example, David Morgan (in Marriott, 2003), consultant clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst who counsels men with a history of sexual violence states:
“The more time you spend in this fantasy world, the more difficult it becomes to make the transition to reality.”
Pornography has, thus, created an entire another world for you – a fantasy world – that is so strong and powerful that it now has you hearing the whisperings to go out and commit zina! So much for “harmless” pornography! As I said, you have opened a door and let a monster into your life.
Now, you have to decide – really decide – if you are going to allow that monster to destroy your life, or if you are going to get control of it once and for all.
From what you wrote, brother, there is clearly something missing in your life that you feel pornography is able to fill. There are intimacy and love that is missing, and you are trying to fill the void with soul-less pornography.
I think you will find that the more you view it, however, the more you become addicted to it, and that hole in your heart you are trying so hard to fill is actually growing bigger.
Your emptiness increases, your despair widens, your lack of control over your life runs amok. You have even mentioned in your question this emptiness that you feel most of the time.
That’s because you can never fill the need for real intimacy/love with porn! If your nafs have their way, and you finally give into your desires to commit zina (may Allah protect you from that!), I assure you that it will not be what you thought it would be.
Gratification through meaningless sex is not going to help.
It will not make that emptiness go away, and you will be right back where you started, having committed a capital crime according to the law of God.
Is that really what you want? All because you want to live out a fantasy that exists only in your mind and is not going to make your emptiness go away? You are being ruled – literally – by a mind filled with illusion.
You are living an illusion being taken away from your wife and your life by an illusion. Doesn’t that make you feel angry? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Well, it should!
You need to find love – true love – which is and can only be the love of Allah (swt).
When the love of Allah (swt) is achieved then all one can feel is love; the hole is filled, and there is never any need for resorting to vices for a “quick fix”.
Do you feel like that? Do you feel like a drug addict? Well, that is what drug addicts do – they seek quick fixes to deal with the feeling of separation resulting from the big hole they have inside.
Addiction is just a means for covering up the deep pain we feel inside. That is what you have to address in the long term if you are ever going to really get past this addiction to porn.
In the meantime, however, you need to do everything you can to make porn inaccessible.
If you view it at home on the Internet, get rid of your Internet. Whatever means you use, get rid of it. Make it really hard for you to access it. That’s one.
Number two is going out and seeking not just any counselor, but a counselor of the heart.
Go out and do all you can to find someone who can help you find your heart and teach you how to make Allah (swt) the center of your world.
Only Allah (swt) can fill this hole inside of you, but you need to know how to do it.
There a very good website called “Purify Your Gaze” run by Muslims who help other Muslims of porn addiction. You may want to seek help from them.
You have let the monster in, and now you need to do something drastic before you destroy yourself, your marriage, and God knows what else.
Perhaps when you accept the fact that you need to make some major sacrifices to deal with this problem, then you will see the answer to your du’aa’ you have been asking for.
Allah (swt) rewards sincerity, remember. Ikhlas is a prerequisite for the answering of our prayers. Ikhlas translates into “struggle” and “sacrifice”.
Think of the drug addict or alcoholic when they go into rehab. They must first go through a period of detox.
Go see how that experience is described – nothing less than a living hell. That is the kind of sacrifice that is required to overcome such addictions.
Sometimes, in order to reach heaven, we have to walk through hell first so that we can appreciate the gift that awaits us at the end of the journey.
We cannot expect Allah (swt) to answer our prayers before we have made a sincere commitment to change.
Remember, it is only when our hearts have changed that Allah (swt) will change our condition.
So get to work on your heart and what you need to purify it, to clean it of the idols inside that are taking the form of pornography, and to keep you away from a full life in Islam.
And Allah (swt) Knows best,
***
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