How to Deal with Oppressive Parents?

09 October, 2019
Q As-salamu alaikum , I am 22-years-old girl. I have been going through a tough relationship with my parents,actually my parents are not much religious being born Muslims. My father use so much vulgar words on me and abusive words and bad language which I cannot mention. He never respect me as a daughter.

My mother is the same in dealing with me with bad words; she is more worse then him. My mother watches astrological programs on TV, she believes in that but not me. I am very strict in Islam Alhamdulillah but whenever I get any marriage proposal and if I refuse just because that person is not practicing Muslim, my mother tortures me a lot and force me too. I know Quran says to respect parents. I am done with this saying, as its not easy to handle this situation. I just want to know what are my rights as a daughter in Islam !

I want to know the punishment of parents for oppressing children.? I want to know how a parents should treat their child? A daughter has all rights to choose her life partner in halal way!? Thank you

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•Stay steadfast in your prayer and acts of worship and spent time with good practicing sisters who will help to encourage you and keep you strong in your Deen

•Continue to take this matter to Allah. Ask Him to guide them.

•If you have relatives that have a respectable place in the community who may even speak to your parents

•You might consider going to stay somewhere else to free yourself from the abuse

•Regarding finding a spouse, of course you have a right to pick who you want to marry.


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It is very sad to read that you are going through such a tough time with your parents. Parents are supposed to be a source of comfort to their children, but unfortunately you are experiencing an example of when that is not the case and in fact they are instead causing you a great deal of distress.

Oppressive Parents

Of course, as you know and mention we must respect our parents and they have rights over you. However, as their child you also have rights too and these should not be denied also. Yes, parents need to instill discipline in their child in order to direct them on the correct path, but this should never come in the form of abuse.

Abuse towards a child, adult or younger, is never justified. So, you do not need to be left thinking that since they are your parents and you must respect them that they have the right to treat you this way, because they don’t! Abusing you like this is sinful. Regarding the punishment, that is something that is with Allah so I cannot comment except to condone their behaviour as unIslamic and pray for Allah to guide them and to keep you strong on His path.

How to Deal with Oppressive Parents? - About Islam

Alhamdulilah, that despite the fact it seems that their Islam is corrupted somewhat in that they are not really practicing and watching haram programs on TV you are clinging on to your Deen. This is something you should continue to do to find your way through this.

Seek for support

Stay steadfast in your prayer and acts of worship and spent time with good practicing sisters who will help to encourage you and keep you strong in your Deen, especially since this support is not available at home. This will be something that will give you a bit of positivity and strength in your life when times are hard. It will give you people to turn to to get support when you need it. And, of course, continue to take this matter to Allah. Ask Him to guide them.

Continue to do so in the presence of your parents also so that they may be inspired to join you and pray with you, or read Qur’an with you. Perhaps you might even find the opportunity to invite sisters to your place that could also act almost as role models in good behaviour and treating you well in front of your parents. Or, if they have relatives that have a respectable place in the community who may even speak to your parents themselves regarding their unacceptable behaviour of you would be comfortable with that.


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If it is that you live with your parents you might consider going to stay somewhere else to free yourself from the abuse, perhaps if you have a friend or family member who might be able to accommodate you, even if just for a short time to give you some kind of respite.

The right to choose your spouse

Regarding finding a spouse, of course you have a right to pick who you want to marry. In an ideal situation your parents would assist you in the process in finding you a good match, but it seems that this may be a case where this would be more tricky.

The most important quality in a spouse is their piety so you are searching in the right lines and following the way of Islam. Other positive qualities are desirable, but with a pious spouse the rest will come. If you have spouse that fears Allah and is practising then you can be sure that you will be treated well and given all your due rights as determined in Islam.

May Allah soften the hearts of your parents and guide them in the straight path. May He make things easier for you and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/youth-q-a/parent-child-relationship/im-afraid-of-my-father/

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-parenting/young-hearts-minds/deal-emotionally-abusive-mother/

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-parenting/the-family-home/abusive-parents-enough-is-enough/