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Torn Between Husband and Family: What to Do?

05 August, 2016
Q Does marriage mean that one is cut off from one's relatives, who may be important and loved, irrespective of one's love for spouse? If, for example, a woman's uncle is sick and no one is there to look after him, what should the woman do, if her husband does not like her to do this service to her relative and so prohibits her from visiting her uncle, say, daily for an hour? In such a case the woman is torn apart between the two – duty to her husband, whom she does not want to displease, and duty to her uncle whom she needs to care for. If the husband does not allow her to do this duty to her uncle, she may be worrying about him, diverting her attention very much from her devotion to God. What must she do? On one side, there is the duty of obedience to her husband and on the other side, there is the responsibility of caring towards other close relatives. And if she is prevented from doing this duty, she feels bitter and sad, which in turn affects her relation with God? How does she balance between the two?

Answer

Salam Dear Sister,

Thank you for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam.

Establishing Love and Mercy

Islam teaches that the relations between husband and wife should be based on mutual love and mercy. Then only will there be peace in domestic life; and so it is the duty of both the spouses to see that they are a source of comfort and tranquility to each other.

They should strive their utmost to make their home an abode of peace and happiness. For this reason, loving and merciful relationship is crucial to a good marriage and good family life.

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It appears that there is a lot of misunderstanding, particularly among men, about the Quranic verse:

{Men are the protectors and maintainers of women.} (An-Nisaa’ 4: 34)

In fact this verse does not mean that the husband is a kind of master of the wife or at any rate, “superior” to the wife and so he can treat her as an inferior being.

The import of the verse is that the men must take care of women. Note the verse says, “men” and “women” and not husbands and wives. That is to say, it is the duty of men to look after women, who are mothers, sisters, wives and other relatives.

It is the men’s duty to provide them food, lodging, health care, education and other needs. This point is made clear by the following clause:

{… because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means.} (An-Nisaa’ 4: 34)

Islam gives a lot of consideration to a woman’s rights as a human being, and so Allah Almighty enjoins husbands to consort with their wives in kindness and gentleness. Allah says in the Quran what means:

{… Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good.} (An-Nisaa’ 4:19)

And the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her manners, he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)

He also said:

“The believers who have the best manners are those who have the most perfect faith. The best amongst you are the best towards their wives.” (At-Tirmidhi)

Indeed the Prophet severely criticized those men against whom women complained of ill-treating them. One aspect of Islam’s insistence that the men should show kindness and gentleness to women is caring for their feelings as human beings.

A husband must never look for his wife’s shortcomings or lapses; rather he should be ready to forget and forgive any lapse on the part of the wives, to the maximum possible extent.

Mutual love, respect and a readiness to sacrifice one’s own comforts for the welfare of the other are the hallmarks of an ideal Islamic marriage. Both the husband and the wife have a duty to see that they are a source of comfort and tranquility to each other.

They should take every care to see that no selfishness or ill-will mar their happiness, and should always strive to do everything physically, emotionally and spiritually possible to facilitate both to be at peace with each other. They must not do anything by word or deed that causes injury, insult or dismay to one another.

Indeed, in matters that affect the life of the spouses and their children, mutual consultations and discussions are essential. The husband for instance should never feel inferior to his wife, for the reason that her view on a matter seems wiser or more practical than his view, and vice versa.Torn Between Husband and Family

We know that many women get wonderful flashes of ideas and inspired opinions that would lead to the common good of the family.

This should not be taken as a reason by the husband to feel inferior; on the other hand he should thank Allah the All Merciful for having given him such a wonderful companion for life.

A Muslim must treat his wife with respect and seek his wife’s advice on many affairs, instead of mulishly following his own ideas, even if they are stupid.

Honoring Kinship

It is also important to remember that all Muslims have a fundamental duty to honor all the obligations related to kinship and to cultivate a healthy atmosphere conducive to the building of a good society.

For this reason, it is not permissible for the husband to prevent his wife from visiting her relatives and rendering them the kind of help she is expected to give.

Also, it is a duty incumbent on every Muslim male or female to help one’s relatives in ways permitted by one’s means and circumstances.

However this does not mean that one can neglect one kind of duties for the sake of doing another kind of duties. There should be proper checks and balances in this matter as elsewhere. So there should be a balance between one’s duties as husband or wife and one’s duties as son or daughter for instance.

From the foregoing it must be evident that in the Islamic family system, the wives are not to be considered as subordinates who remain at the beck and call of the husband to satisfy his whims.

From the Islamic standpoint, both have complementary duties in their relationship  and both should do their duties in obedience to Allah Almighty, and out of mutual love and consideration for each other.

And it is worth noting here that a person’s duties are always to Allah first, and duties to others, whether to husband or wife, are subject to the guidance in the Quran and the Sunnah.

Turning to God

You have said that the wife, if bitter and sad, may forget her duties to Allah Almighty, which “in turn affects her relation with God”. This indeed is a curious observation, as usually people who are faced with the trials of life turn to Allah the All-Merciful for solace. But do you suggest that women (or for that matter men too) when afflicted would turn against God?

I think this is very unlikely, and if it happens it must be viewed as a sign of the absence of faith. In fact, any problem at home about mutual relationship between husband and wife, or any such worry must not be permitted to interfere with one’s devotion to Allah Almighty.

On the contrary such experiences should give a person more incentive to seek the help and guidance of Allah. And it is only Allah alone Who can give peace and tranquility in the midst of adversity.

I hope this answers your question. Please keep in touch.

Salam.

About Professor Shahul Hameed
Professor Shahul Hameed is an Islamic consultant. He also held the position of the President of the Kerala Islamic Mission, Calicut, India. He is the author of three books on Islam published in the Malayalam language. His books are on comparative religion, the status of women, and science and human values.