as salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry that the guy’s family refused marriage. A year has gone by since you got an offer for marriage, however, his family took too long to decide and then said no.

 

Fallen Marriage Plans

Sister, I am so sorry that you got put in this position.  It must be so hard emotionally to have waited all that time, trusting in the process and then be told no.  I know that hurt you deeply. In between, you were talking to him and now you feel like he is your husband. Sister these are very natural feelings. You both were planning on being husband and wife and apparently developed a closeness, or at least you did towards that goal.

 

Freedom to Marry the one who is Permissible

I don’t know why his parents put off the marriage for such a long time, however, what’s done is done. I can only advise you to either approach the guy with a parent or other family member and talk about marriage. As you both are adults you do not need his family’s permission for marriage. In Islam, we are free to marry who we want as long as they meet Islamic requirements. In fact, it is advisable to get married as soon as possible once you feel you are compatible. It is not wise to put off marriage as some do, because of the risk of falling into haram behaviors as well as families intervening and forcing their children to back out of marriages.  This is not Islam. While it is nice to have our parents blessings and support for marriage,  it is not necessary. Oftentimes people do get married without their parents’ permission or blessings. It takes a family some time to adjust to this assertive action, but most families do come around sooner or later. That is one option that the two of you have- just get married.

 

If the guy is not willing to go against his parents, then there’s nothing you can do about it. If that is the case I would kindly suggest dear sister that you just move on. I know this is very hard to hear and even harder to try to do. If you put your mind to it, it can be done.  Insha’Allah, make duaa to Allah.  Ask Allah to grant you ease and mercy regarding your feelings for this guy.  Insha’Allah, your feelings for him will dissipate over time.  Parental constraints concerning marriage and the often long time waiting periods imposed, is a big part of the issue here.  Another is that when we plan to get married to somebody and we talked to them over long periods of time, we get close to them. We get emotionally attached. This is one of the reasons why it is better to not do a lot of talking except for the task of getting to know one another for marriage.  Emotional attachments can hurt when severed.

 

Moving On

Sister if he does not want to get married (and it really is up to him), please do move on. I encourage you to insha’Allah, get involved with your friends, social activities, school or work, going to the Masjid and drawing closer to Allah. These are things are activities which will help get your mind off of him and will help you heal. There is no easy solution sadly, as we cannot force anyone to do anything. The only thing we can do on our part is to either ask the other person, or get on with our lives. We wish you the best you’re in our prayers.