Wa alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

 

It sounds like quite a confusing tangle of events that has resulted in abuse and disrespect and has ultimately led to the downfall of your emotional wellbeing.

 

Alhamdulilah, you have found someone that you want to marry that you see as the root out of this cycle of unhappiness for you that will lead to a good relationship unlike those you have seen and been subjected to all these years. Islamically you are permitted to marry who you want within the guidelines of Islam of course, without your father’s approval so it is entirely an option.

 

However, he has also stated how he will ruin the family if you chose to make this decision. That places you in a difficult situation where you could potentially escape this negative cycle, but yet you will leave behind difficulties for your mother, who, by the sounds of it, is an innocent party in all of this as well. You do not want to deal with the got of knowing that your actions may start difficulties for her, even if they are acceptable and permissible.

 

Perhaps, you could consider approaching someone else to talk to your father there about this matter, someone who you know he respects and will respond favorably to. This may ease the situation to allow it to occur without further incident. It may be that this person can be a positive influence in terms of his Deen as well.

 

You say that he doesn’t pray or attend the mosque so it would seem that right now he is far from Allah. A good solution to the whole scenario would be if he were to practice devoutly again. If he were close to Allah, he would fear Him enough not to be abuse to his family and not to have extramarital affairs as these are grave sins and will evoke the wrath of Allah. Something that people with firm faith don’t want to experience.

 

Therefore, the indirect approach you can take here is to try and inspire him back to the straight path.  Begin with prayers for him and asking Allah to guide him. Pray in front of him, invite him to attend the masjid with you, invite pious Allah fearing friends and family to the home a who may be a positive influence on him.. Maybe he won’t comply at first, but gentle persistence and prayers may work in sha Allah. It will require patience, but in time if he is guided aright, his behavior will also change for the good.

 

May Allah bring peace and happiness into your household and guide you father aright. Maybe grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.