As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I’m sorry to hear about the situation at home with your mom and dad.  I can imagine how heartbreaking it is for you to see your parents falling away from Islam.  Naturally, you are really upset by this and your hurt as well as disappointed over the situation.  This causes arguments between you and your family as you are seeking to get closer to Allah.

You discussed your family constructs and how your father has an alcohol addiction, and your mother puts up with it because she cannot do anything about it anymore.  You also discussed your feelings of not wanting them to go out at night as you do not like being alone as well as your feelings of depression.  You feel it is too late for your parents to change.

 

Addiction and Losing Islamic Practices

 

Being addicted to a substance or to an action such as gambling is a very hard thing to break. It is an illness. First of all the person has to be willing to acknowledge that they have a problem. At this point your father has not acknowledged that he has a problem with alcohol, therefore, your mother has probably given up because there is very little she can do except for pray for him.

 

I can imagine the pain you must feel seeing your father in this condition, and not being able to help him.  The truth is, only he can help himself sister, only your dad can decide when enough is enough and seek help.

 

While your parents are only practicing partially, at least they are practicing some.  Only Allah knows their hearts and only Allah can change their condition should they decide to change themselves.  There are people who totally stop practicing for years sister, only to find their way back to Islam again and as you know Allah is most merciful.

 

It is understandable that this is very hard on you as you’re trying to get closer to Allah.  You feel it is difficult as your parents are not trying to go in the direction that you are.  As a result, you end up arguing with your parents all the time especially your mom, and you feel sad stating you would rather be at school than at home. Sister, you cannot change your parent’s behaviors.  You can only encourage them in a loving and respectful way, as I’m sure you are doing.

 

People can change (as discussed above) and we may best be able to facilitate change in others by being an example. For instance, instead of constantly arguing with your mom and getting upset, try to ignore the things that are bothering you. I know it’s very hard to do and it hurts you, but again you cannot make them change.  It’s up to your parents.

 

Be the Change you Wish to See

 

I would kindly suggest that you continue on your path of getting closer to Allah. Read the Quran,  make dhkir,  make duaa,  keep your daily prayers and ask Allah to touch your parent’s hearts.   Be kind and helpful around the home.  Create your own element of peace and loving relationships despite the chaos that is going on.  The more you participate in positive actions, insha’Allah it will help others follow your example.  Insha’Allah, you can find an interest outside of the home as well.  Go to the Masjid to pray. Try to attend as many Islamic events as possible to increase your knowledge and get closer to Allah.

 

Focus on your education, your future goals, as well as spending quality time with friends who have the same Islamic perspectives for growth that you have. While I know the idea is to have a family that practices Islam and everybody is happy, the truth is -that is not always the case. It doesn’t mean it will never be the case with your family, it just means that this is how it is for right now.

 

Positive Reinforcement

Insha’Allah,  try focusing on the good points that your parents do have as it may help to decrease the tension in the household.  It may also increase your parent’s Islamic practice insha’Allah.

 

For instance, if your mom only reads the Quran when it’s Ramadan sit and read Quran with her and comment how happy you are to see her reading Quran.  Ask her questions pertaining to certain ayats.

 

If your dad fasts during Ramadan but doesn’t read the Quran, compliment him on his fasting and ask him for tips on how to make your fast easier for you. Often times when we focus on the good things that people do rather than the bad, especially when we can’t change it, the good behaviors may increase.

 

I know this makes you sad to see them this way and my heart goes out to you, but really sister you can only be responsible for yourself and you are accountable to Allah at this point.

 

As far as the issue of your parents going out at night, it’s understandable that you get scared, however by telling them not to go out, it is disrespectful.   It’s not your place my dear sister to tell them what to do.  Your parents are married adults.  You can express to them that you feel fear or you don’t want to be alone and perhaps they can get someone to stay with you, but you cannot control what they choose to do.

 

Sister, by restructuring your thinking and focusing on your growth in Islam, you will be setting an example your parents and pleasing Allah.   Insha’Allah they will slowly change and come back to Islam. Only Allah knows.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.