I have this man who came to propose to me. I directed him to my elders, but unfortunately, people made rumors that he was a fornicator. He told me he had a rough past, but I don't care because Allah and his slave have bonds that no one can know.
I encouraged him to let go of his past and face the future and not to let shaitan whispering to him. Upon hearing he's a fornicator, my family told him that they refuse his marriage proposal.
Please help me. How can I make my family understand that no one is above mistake and that if he/she repents to Allah there is no problem? Is it a taboo for me to get married to him even if the rumors were true?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I agree with the fact that you must be willing to forgive a bad past.
Remember, not only will he be your husband, he will also be a father to your children who will take him as a role model and follow in his footsteps.”
Assalamu Alaikum,
Thank you for your question and your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.
Marriage is a very important milestone in our lives and a very important part of Islam. Marriage is a sunnah of Prophet Mohammed.
Even Allah addresses the importance of marriage and the blessings brought about it in the Quran.However, this certainly does not mean that one needs to rush into it.
You must first seek Allah’s help and direction. Have a network for finding the right individual. Consult people for advice, and then seek Allah’s guidance again by praying Salat Istikhara.
Lifelong Commitment
Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Its success is dependent on compatibility, attraction, and personality flow.
Dear sister, sometimes, when we feel the urge to get married to prevent the possibility of falling into sin, we become biased.
The reason is that we are not capable of thinking straight. We are only interested in getting married to prevent ourselves from sinning. In such circumstances you should consult others, ask for their advice, and seek references.
It is true that an individual’s past is not necessarily reflective of his present or his future.
However, this sentence is only true if the individual has made sincere changes to his lifestyle.
![Rumors Prevent Our Marriage - About Islam Rumors Prevent Our Marriage - About Islam](https://aboutislam.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/1-10-19_Book-your-one-on-one-counseling-session.jpg?x89081)
That will prevent a relapse or a leap back in time to his old ways. Therefore, you need to determine if he has really changed his ways of life.
Sometimes people act religious because it is more “marketable” for marriage. You need to be cautious and go beyond surface checkpoints of theology and practice.
To accomplish this, you need to get to know the family of the person you seek to marry.
Potential future in laws
Most often than not, children tend to be reflective of the ideas, priorities, and ways of lives they have seen their parents practice.
If they have diverted from the right path, they are most likely to get back on track if they have parents who are genuinely concerned.
In addition, there is a famous saying that, “man is known by the friend he keeps.” As a result, if it is hard to readily judge an individual, it may be better to see the type of company he keeps.
What kind of people are they? What personalities do they display and how are they as people? are they reflective of the truth? Are they those who he had befriended when he was not on the right path?
Did he leave his bad company behind? These are essential questions to consider whether the individual has changed genuinely.
Simply stating that he changed and recounting his past sins is not indicative of a definitive change. You must realize this now rather than later.
Check out this counseling video:
Tips for a questionnaire
Marriage is considered half your religion. Therefore, you should think about marrying someone who can keep a balance. Who is able to take the worldly affairs and the religious affairs while keeping Allah in mind.
Below are some of the questions that I suggest you ask him. Check to see whether you would have the same answers for them.
In my opinion, before two individuals decide to get married, they should ensure that they are thinking of embarking on similar paths, mindsets, and ambitions.
- What is your concept of marriage?
- What are your expectations of marriage?
- What are your goals in life? (long and short-term)
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish soon.
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
- Why have you chosen me/another person as a potential spouse?
- What is the role of religion in your life now?
- Are you a spiritual person?
- What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
- What are your expectations of your spouse, religiously?
He has evolved
I agree with the fact that you must be willing to forgive a bad past. However, when you are aware of some of the mistakes that he might have committed.
You must be careful in ensuring that he is, indeed, a changed individual. Also that he will, inshallah, never repeat them in the future.
Remember, not only will he be your husband, he will also be a father to your children who will take him as a role model and follow in his footsteps.
I also advise that you choose character over chemistry. A famous quote follows,
“Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.”
Therefore, four of the most important features of good character are humility, kindness, responsibility, and contentment.
Ask yourself
You must also ensure that this individual has an emotional connection with you. And there are four questions that you must answer YES to:
Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
Do I trust this person? Can I rely on him? Do I trust his judgment? Do I trust his word? Can I believe what he says?
Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
However, before you finalize any decision, I highly suggest that you read the Salat al Istikhara every single day. Until you feel motivated to move in a specific direction.
The Prophet used to teach us the way of doing Istikhara in all matters just as he taught us the surahs of the Qur’an. He said,
“If anyone of you thinks of doing any job he should offer a two rak`at prayer other than the compulsory ones and say (after the prayer).” (Bukhari)
Have your parents on board
In addition, if you decide that you really want to pursue marriage with this individual, you must also get your parents to agree.
It may not be the easiest feat as parents are rightfully skeptical. They are concerned when it comes to such matters which are a foundation for their children’s entire life. For this, you must let them know that a saint could have been a sinner in the past and a sinner could have been a saint in the past. It is Allah who ultimately guides whom he wills.
In conclusion, given my qualifications and expertise, I am unable to direct you towards a concrete yes or no answer, for that you must consult our Ask the Scholar section and seek the guidance of a community member.
I pray that Allah guides you to what is right and will lead you to His pleasure ultimately.
salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/know-youre-marrying-right-person-4-signs/