I need some advice. It may sound trivial but it is really upsetting me. I love my mother a lot. My father died 5 years ago and I only have her left.
The problem is she constantly lies to me. She is very money orientated. She has committed fraud in my name for money and lies to me all the time to give her more money.
I have 5 children and no husband. It is hard for me but I try to do my best. I want to confront her about the latest scam she has done in my name about money but she will react badly. Shall I ignore it?
Do I continue to love her unconditionally? Since my husband left I made a promise to cut out negativity in my life. My mother brings me pain and hardship. What do I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- A mother has huge respect in Islam. Allah has valued her a lot. The Messenger of Allah used to remind his followers about the status of the mother.
- According to what you wrote to us, it seems your mom cannot be trusted as she does fraud for money.
- I think it is lack of communication between you both. It is important that you talk to her and ask her why she did what she did.
- Sit down and talk to her about the whole situation. Tell her how you feel about it all. Tell her that you are hurt and disappointed by what she has done.
- Do not ignore the fraud she did as it will not get any better if you do so. Rather, talk to her and try to understand the issue from her point of view too.
- I am sure she will be more honest with you once you both listen to each other. Make time for each other and show her that you feel upset when she lies to you. No mother wants to hurt her child.
As Salaam ‘Aleikom,
Thank you for writing to us about your concern.
I am sorry to hear about the situation with your mother. I can understand how upsetting it can be to be lied to by the person you are supposed to trust the most in life. It sounds like you have a lot of patience in you, and you are seeking for advice before you confront with her. It shows how a wonderful daughter you are, ma sha’ Allah.
Trust
According to what you wrote to us, it seems your mom cannot be trusted as she does fraud for money. This is the hardest behavior for a daughter to cope with because she does not know if the mother is telling the truth or lie. No mother should do this to her child.
Do not be upset, sister. You are strong. It is sometimes ok to just let out the frustration and ask the right questions. If you feel you have to ask her about what she has done behind your back, I think you should do that in a respectful and well-mannered way.
You are not only doing it because it is upsetting you, but also because you have a financial responsibility for your children. Your mother is not helping the situation by playing up with your money.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with asking her about the fraud. She has to know what she is doing is wrong and it can not be continued. Sometimes parents do things and they don’t realize that it can hurt their children. However, they have to be told when they are not right. After all, they are humans and make mistakes.
Mother
She is your mother and you should always respect and love her. She is the one who was there for you when you were a baby and was helpless. She fed you, held you, gave you comfort, and loved you the most. I am sure she still loves you. However, sometimes money can make a person greedy and selfish, and make one do silly things.
A mother has huge respect for Islam. Allah has valued her a lot. The Messenger of Allah used to remind his followers the status of the mother. Here a good example to show:
A man came to the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of Allah! Who from amongst mankind warrants the best companionship from me?” He (peace and blessings be upon him) replied: “Your mother.” The man asked: “Then who?” So he (peace and blessings be upon him) replied: “Your mother.” The man then asked: “Then who?” So the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) replied again: “Your mother.” The man then asked: “Then who?” So he replied: “Then your father.”(Sahîh Bukhârî 5971 and Sahîh Muslim 7/2)
You might think that she is a negative person in your life at the moment. However, she is a blessing, and you should be happy to have her in your life.
Communicate
I recommend that you sit down and talk to her about the whole situation. Tell her how you feel about it all. Tell her that you are hurt and disappointed by what she has done. I think it is lack of communication between you both.
Check out this counseling video:
It is important that you talk to her and ask her why she did what she did. Ask her to tell you whenever she needs something she can tell you and that you can buy for her. Maybe she thinks that you do not want to give her money and for that reason, she is stealing from you.
She is your mother, so you have to be honest with her about how tough it is to manage five children financially all by yourself without a husband.
Conclusion
Do not show aggression or disrespect in your voice. Just try to be calm and try to show her that you care about her and want her to be with you. Parents want their children’s love. When they reach a certain age, they become a little childish in their behavior too.
Do not ignore the fraud she did as it will not get any better if you do so. Rather, talk to her and try to understand the issue from her point of view too. Ask her what she needs so much money for. What is it she wants for your money?
Ask yourself also if you have neglected her in any way at all when she asked you for something. I am not saying that you should provide her with everything she points at as it can be hard for you when you have responsibility for your children as well. However, at least try to do the best you can.
I am sure she will be more honest with you once you both listen to each other. Make time for each other and show her that you feel upset when she lies to you. No mother wants to hurt her child.
May Allah make your relationship with your mother better and ease your tension.
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