as salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing into our live session.  I can certainly understand your frustrations and sense of low confidence as you were put into a university wherein your dad could not keep up with the payments thus causing you to miss many classes.  That would make it hard for anyone to catch up sister as well as put pressure and stress on you that is undue.

As you indicated, your family is middle class yet your dad never appears to be satisfied thus rubbing shoulders” with those who are wealthier and going to lengths to provide opportunities which are not within his means such as sending you to this university.   Sister, often our parents may not seem satisfied by the way we view their actions when in fact perhaps your dad is trying to make connections for a better life or job or in your case, give you a better future.  While we are to be content with what Allah has given us in this life, we are to strive to do better, however, jelousy, envy and other traits which are undesirable should not be part of our personality-feelings as that is haram.

While I cannot speak on your father’s motives or wishes concerning his not being satisfied with his lot in life, perhaps if you try to view it as his striving to give you and your family better opportunities maybe that will help.   It is not fair to you, however, to have to miss out on classes because he cannot afford the payments or is late with them due to lack of funds.  Perhaps you may wish to research universities that are more affordable than you would like to propose to him for your education.  I would kindly suggest not talking about it from a financial perspective but from one of a personal choice, educational benefits, and opportunities that surpass the current school.  In this way, he may not get offended due to the sensitivities of what he can or cannot actually provide.

As far as your anxiety,  panic attacks,  depression, self-hatred, and inferiority complex, I would kindly suggest dear sister that you start a journal.  Please start a list.  Your goal is to pinpoint when these feelings first started, what events if any triggered them as well as try to sort out how you came to feel this way.  Also, please make a list of your positive attributes, your blessings and your aspirations for the future.  Write down steps of how you can accomplish these goals as well as steps you may take to over come these negative self-thoughts and feelings.  I feel that insha’Allah you are a beautiful, intelligent young woman who is under tremendous stress and pressure and you have been from some time.  This in itself can lead to depression, self-hate as well as other psychological symptoms if we are constantly trying to live up to something that imposed upon us from another’s vision.  I would kindly suggest dear sister that you begin the journey of healing via journaling as well as seek out counseling from a therapist in your area.  A good counselor can be of tremendous benefit towards your overcoming these issues as well as your personal self-growth.

As far as suicide sister, you know it is haram, and insha’Allah you know you do have a wonderful life ahead despite the tests you are going through now.  I kindly ask you to make a contact that you will not harm/kill yourself.  Write it on paper, sign it and give it to someone you are close to.  This is your contract with yourself.  If you feel that you will harm yourself, remember your contract and call the Suicide Prevention Hotline (1).  This is a 1-800 number, insha’Allah it will work in your country.  If not, go to the hospital sister.  As you know, when one is depressed sister everything is more difficult, even our relationship with Allah may suffer-it is the nature of depression. Please do insha’Allah continue to seek out Allah’s guidance no matter how bad you feel and insha’Allah you will see and feel the blessings.  As far as dropping out of school and your parents and family think you have finished, well I would not bring that up until you have started counseling.  Once you have begun to address your mental health issues and grow stronger, a counselor will be able to help you navigate telling your parents as well as propose other educational idea’s as discussed above.

Sister, this is a temporary test.  I am confident you will get through it insha’Allah and come out a much wiser and stronger person, perhaps even helping others with your success story.   Remember Allah loves you sister and He will never leave you.

Please do seek out counseling as soon as possible, know you are loved, worthy and valuable.  Please let us know how you are doing you are in our prayers.

1-https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/