Wa alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatuh sister,

You have now reached an age where you desire to get married and have found someone who you believe is suitable. However, you are afraid that if you approach your parents about the matter they will not agree to it because they still think of you as a kid.

You desire to get married is a good one. You desire to get married to stop yourself from falling into sin, which is one of the main reasons why marriage is prescribed to us as it gives us a means to have our needs met in a halal way and most importantly, a way that is acceptable to Allah. In Islam we are also encouraged to marry young and therefore at your age, 19, it is not necessarily too young to get married from an Islamic perspective. Your reasons to get married therefore are entirely justified and your parents should understand that. However, do try to also understand things from their perspective also and this might make it easier for you to approach them me appropriately. Understand that they will also be worried about you getting married at this age. Firstly, because as their daughter, naturally, they will be anxious to let you go and may have a hard time accepting and man as the one who will take over their current role of taking care of you. That can be difficult for parents to accept. So, their attitude towards you may not necessarily be because they think of you as a kid as such, but more a result of their anxieties for your future.

There a couple of things to think of at this point. Firstly, you must ensure that any contact you have with this person that you wish to marry is kept completely halal. Do not have any contact with him (even via phone or the internet) without a mahram present. This is for your own protection. As you know already, contact like this can lead to other things such as zina, which is a grave sin Islamically and displeasing to Allah. If you are both serious about marriage then it is important to stick to this, especially whilst you try to convince your parents that marriage is what is good for you right now, for all the right reasons.

In the mean time, you might speak to someone you trust, ideally, an older family member who you can trust and you know will support your decision. Explain your situation to them and invite them to go with you to approach your parents about the issue. This way, you will feel more comfortable and confident to talk to your parents about it but will have a respected family member to stand by you and support you and may be more convincing to your parents as well as show them that you are completely serious about your decision. Let them see that you are doing it for the right reasons and that you want to move forward with this in the correct way. If you do not have such a family member, you could try the local Imam to do the same job for you, who will be able to advocate for the Islamic benefits of your marriage.

Another option might be to have someone to the guy you wish to marry and have him get his own family to approach your family with a proposal. Again, this will let them know that you are serious about it and that you are going about it in the most respectable and Islamic way. This way, they will be more likely to be convinced that marriage is a good option for you now as you are going about it in a mature way that illustrates that you are not the ‘kid’ that they think you are.

All this while continuing to pray to Allah to make this possible for you remaining close to Allah and keeping Him in mind to protect you from falling into the sin that you fear you might if you don’t get married.

Failing this, if you are dead serious about marrying this guy, and are sure you cannot protect yourself from sin and see marriage as the only option, you could pursue marriage without their consent, but to be fully aware that there could be dire consequences for behaving like this.

May Allah guide you to make the best choice that will be most pleasing to Him and will bring happiness to you and your family. May He grant you a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes.