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My Husband Always Speaks about His Female Friend

13 June, 2017
Q As-salamu `Alaikum, I have been married for more than 2 years. My husband is an introvert person, only in company with his friends not even with family. He is not a practicing Muslim. Nowadays, I find him little bit moody, when I asked him he said one of his female coworkers is resigning, and it's been more than 2 weeks still he is moody. I tried consoling him even though I did not like it. Now, he told me that he did not tell her about our marriage. He told her we are engaged. I tried not to lose my cool but expressed that I am hurt. He promised me he will never repeat it again. I even asked him should I move out so that they both can marry and live together because I don't want to stand in between them. I know I sound odd, he told me she is having an affair with someone else and between my husband and her is just friendship, not love and he wants me only. One day, he told me he doesn't have her contact number but now I came to know he has. I don't know how to take it. He is telling lies one after the other. He is somewhat forward. I am kind of old style person. For me, entertainment is doing namaz, reading, Quran and listening to Islamic speeches. He loves to enjoy time with his friends rather than me because his areas of interest are going to a movie, theater etc..which I don't like. I used to get hurt sometimes but never used to tell him because whenever I express possessiveness he will say he doesn't want me to be like his friend's wife who always nags. He likes going alone telling me I can go wherever I want, I am not used to this. I am from a family where everyone values each other much. My father had been my idol, now he is no more. Nowadays, I am preparing for major exams and I am not able to concentrate because of this girl issue. Please tell me how I can move on without getting bothered about this. The more I think about this issue the more mental I am becoming. He used to speak about her every day. Finally, I told him it's hurting me, then he will say he will stop discussing things with me. I cannot do anything. I am now only thinking about the hereafter. I don't know why I lost all my hope. He even told me he will sometimes go for a coffee with her and I said yes to that to make him happy. Even though it's against our religion but it's killing me from inside. Now, I don't even speak with males due to fear of Allah. Please advise me so that I can take things lightly

Answer

Aisha Mohammad
13 June, 2017

In this counseling answer:

Very painful to any woman to see her husband lying about his marriage and talking to another woman. The counselor’s advice was: Try to save your marriage and to not put up with cheating, going out with other women, nor encourage this behavior by saying ‘yes’ to his infidelities. Not only are you putting yourself at risk for STD’s but you are subconsciously giving him the ‘green light” to cheat.

As salamu alaykum dear sister,

Shokran for writing to us.  I am sorry to hear about the issues you are having with your husband, it must be very painful for you sister and I can see you love him very much to agree to the things that you have agreed to.  Your husband should not be permitted to just go out with women and have coffee and talk, have affairs etc.

While I understand you love him and want him to be happy (stating you would move out so they could get married) there is a limit sister to what is permissible as you know.  He also lied about his marriage to you, stating he was engaged.  This is very troubling and really, even if he is not practicing Islam he should at least respect you and the marriage.

I would kindly suggest sister that you sit down and talk with him when things are calm.  I would ask him if he desires to still be married and if so, how does being married look like to him?  How would he like his marriage and wife to be?  Please do insha’Allah tell him as well what you expect from your marriage and from him as a husband.  If both of you can agree to heal your marriage and save it (which is what is recommended) then I kindly suggest that the two of you make a list of things that can draw you closer as a couple.  As you stated you were more of a traditional Muslim and he is not even practicing, possibly the first request would be for him to begin to practice Islam.

Maybe take some Islamic classes together, afterward go out for tea or dinner.  Suggest he begins praying with you as well.  Make a list of important things which will not be violated in the future such as talking to other women, cheating, lying and so forth and make sure he can be agreed with it.  Try to rekindle your relationship by introducing things you both enjoy and can do together.  Find new things to do together while sharing some of each other’s  current interests.

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For example, while he enjoys movies and you do not perhaps you can reach a compromise and see a halal movie together once in awhile.  Maybe you enjoy gardening and he does not, so he will compromise and spend a few hours gardening with you.  Marriage is about balance, compromise, respect, and communication.   It is also about honesty, sincerity, sustainability, and patience.

As you have only been married for 2 years, I would kindly suggest sister that you try to save your marriage.  I would, however, advise you to not put up with cheating, going out with other women, nor encourage this behavior by saying ‘yes’ to his infidelities.  Not only are you putting yourself at risk for STD’s but you are subconsciously giving him the ‘green light” to cheat.

Please do let him know it is haram, that yes you love him but you will not tolerate it.   If he is willing to start over and build an Islamic marriage with you, built on respect, trust and love, then insha’allah sister it may take the time to trust him as you have been betrayed and hurt but Allah is the best of healers.

If he is unwilling to live within the Islamic boundaries of a marriage and treat you with love, respect, and dignity, then you do have the right and option for divorce. However, this is only recommended once you have tried to save your marriage.  Often times married couples go through horrific things only to emerge stronger, closer and more dedicated to each other as marriage partners. So do not lose hope dear sister.

Please do try talking with him sister, set forth agreements between you for your marriage, encourage him to practice Islam, seek out marriage counseling if he agrees on, and focus on healing.  If he refuses, your last option is divorce.   You are a beautiful, pious sister and I am sure you would have no problem finding a loving pious husband who appreciates you if the need be.

Hopefully, insha’Allah the one who is your husband now will be that man.  It just might take some work, forgiveness, and steadfastness on your part.  But please, don’t ever doubt your worth or your value.  Allah knows best.

 

You are in our prayers sister.  Please let us know how you are doing.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

 

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.