Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh sister,
Ma sha’ Allah, congratulations on your pregnancy. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and grant you a child from Jannah.
You are currently in a difficult situation; however, that could potentially make this pregnancy more difficult as you are alone whilst raising two other young children. Unfortunately, having your trust abused before makes it very difficult for you to trust anyone again. Relationships will seldom survive if there is no trust, and you are doing the right thing to step up and seek assistance with this matter. If you fail to overcome this issue of trust, you may well continue to struggle in building and maintaining relationships in the future.
Unfortunately, having your trust betrayed previously by your ex-husband has made the process of building trust in a new marital relationship difficult and has even gone as far as to be the cause of the breakup of your latest marriage.
When we have had our trust betrayed, or we experience anything that hurts us, we will do all we can to avoid such situations again. This is to avoid potentially being in a position where we could end up facing the same hurt again. In this case, you want to avoid the potential to be hurt in a marital relationship again and so you have pushed your second husband away so that there is no chance that it could happen again. This way, you perhaps feel more secure knowing that there is no chance that your trust can be betrayed again as you are not in a relationship.
In Marriage, Pick Your Battles
At this point, it seems you have the chance to continue avoiding any relationships, therefore, not allowing your unborn child’s father into your children’s life on a full-time basis. This is as a result of your separation from him due to your anxiety around trust.
Your other option is taking the risk of entering back into the relationship and allowing him to support you through the pregnancy and having him there to support you with the children. Considering your history and current situation, being pregnant, this is a difficult, but important choice to make.
There are some things that you can consider to make this task easier. Remember that he did not give you cause for concern before so there’s no rational justification for not trusting him. He is not your ex-husband and this is not your past. This is a different man and is now, not the past.
It is not fair to judge one person based on the actions of another. Imagine if he had had a bad experience with a woman previously and, therefore, accused you of the same. You would feel like you were being treated unfairly because the mistakes she made were not your own, yet you are being judged for it. This is potentially how you make him feel by pushing him away. You could let this man be the one to challenge your belief that no man is to be trusted based on the actions of one man.
Also, think of your children. If this man is a good man, then it is better for them that their father is around. He will be there to support them, and play with them, and build a secure relationship with them, in sha’ Allah. This will also be easier for you if he is there to support you. This will make your pregnancy and life in general much easier, and you can experience the beauty of marriage as prescribed in Islam.
“They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.” (Qur’an, 2:187)
Understand that all marriages will have their ups and downs. That’s all part of the test, but in most cases, with patience, these tests can be overcome and strengthen a marriage.
Ask yourself “What’s the worst that could happen?” Allah (swt) forbid, he also abuses your trust. Remember that the punishment is on him and that punishment is with Allah (swt). So, feel comforted that in the worst case scenario Allah (swt) is the Most Just. Don’t allow yourself to be the one to suffer the consequences for someone else’s wrongdoing. Let Allah (swt) be the One to judge.
Building trust will take a long time, so you cannot just expect that you will be able to trust again overnight. This is something that you need to be patient with, but the rewards will be immense and worth being patient for.
“And be patient, for indeed, Allah does not allow to be lost the reward of those who do good.” (Qur’an, 11:115)
That said, allowing yourself to trust again is a difficult feat. You may decide that for now you simply can’t. It is up to you to weigh up your opinions. Perhaps write them down. Think about the good things about allowing him back into your life as well as the potentially bad and, likewise, do the same for the option of not allowing him back into your life. What would be good about this and what might be bad? Make istikharah on the matter, and ask Allah (swt) to guide you to make the best decision about what to do. A decision that will be best for both you and your children as well as most pleasing to Allah (swt).
May Allah (swt) bring you ease and guide you to make the best decision.
Salam,
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