As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our lives session with your concerns.  A lot of parents become alarmed when their children learn and use the “hate” word.  It’s like hearing a swear word come out of your child’s mouth for the first time.  Only in the case of “I hate you” it hurts even more as it appears to be directed at us-to hurt us. It is a powerful and reactionary word and kids get that.  In fact, as in the case of your daughter as you can see, they learn of and then know the power of such words and then use them to their advantage.  As your response was a well thought out heartfelt response, one would expect a 5 year old to understand that these words are hurtful, but children develop at different rates and possibly your daughter is still going through an obnoxious phase as described by The Center for Parenting (1) which states that at 4.5 years of age children are “more persistent and demanding, less easy to distract. Behaviors may seem purposely obnoxious.”

 

This sounds consistent with what you are describing as your daughter knows these words hurt/upset you and she becomes purposely obnoxious with these words, therefore they hold power for her.  She has been enlightened to the fact that she may get a response or get her way if she uses these words. Insha’allah sister, when she uses these words, tell her “when you talk nicely, I’ll answer your question” and after that, don’t respond.  If she gets her own way by using these words, she will keep using them.  If she doesn’t get her way she will eventually stop.  But it will take some patience, persistence, and retraining on your part.  It may be a trying time filled with temper tantrums or whining however when those words lose power over you and your actions/responses, they should cease.

 

Your daughter is not using those words to hurt you sister, she loves you.  She is, however, using those words to get her own way or to “guilt” you into getting her own way.  As long as she thinks they affect you she will use them.   You may wish to remind her (at a time this is not going on) that she is a big girl now and that she needs to talk nicely as she is now 5 years old.  Children often find pride in becoming “a big boy or girl” and gentle reminders of these milestones may help.

 

Insha’Allah sister, do not take your daughter’s words personally.  While yes it hurts, it’s not really directed at you but it’s a manipulative tactic children sometimes use to get there own way.   So I kindly ask that you remain strong, don’t feed into her words, don’t give them power and soon insha’Allah as these words lose their desired affect, you may see a more sweeter, kinder child emerge.

 

You are in our prayers sister, we wish you the best.

 

1-http://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/child-development-by-age/#five