As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

Intercultural marriages come with extra challenges to marriages from within the same culture. It can be a great experience to learn about other cultures, but it can also present with many challenges, especially when it comes to crucial issues central to the home and the marriage and both partners have completely different perspectives on the issue. To you, the way you wish to live seems perfectly acceptable to you, and likewise to him, what he expects from you is perfectly acceptable to him. This is based on the kind of environments that you would both have been used to growing up.

The key in such situations is to be able to work together to understand each other and see things from their perspective. You both need to develop a respect for one another’s opinions and try to come to some kind of agreement that will satisfy both of you. In such situations, it is likely that you will both have to make some compromises in order for this middle ground to be met. For the sake of a happy marriage and a comfortable environment, making a small amount of compromise is preferable in order to continue living a life that each other is happy with. It is difficult when these traits only become apparent after marriage, but with effective communication, it is possible to make things work, in sha’ Allah.

The only way such compromises can come about is to sit down and talk about it. He is correct that the husband is that of the decision maker, but there are also conditions on this. Just because he is the decision maker, it does not mean that he should not take the wife’s perspective and needs into account. This also does not mean he should place unnecessary restrictions on the wife. He should, however, protect the wife from harm or getting into potential situations where she may end up going against the command of Allah (swt).

So, for example, in this case, it may be that he does not forbid you to go out at all, but may ask you to go out less and communicate with you what his concerns are about you going out so much. Maybe there is a reason why he dislikes it and it’s important for you to understand why he wants to place such restrictions on you so that you may discuss this and potentially come up with a compromise. It may be that he has a genuine concern about you going out as much as you do, and if he can explain this to you, then it will be easier for you to understand why he wants to place such restrictions on you. Perhaps he is worried that, given the current status of things in the West, you might be a victim of an attack, in which case he might have a justified reason to prefer you not to go out as much to protect your safety. You may come up with a compromise that you might till go out, but perhaps less, or that you always let him know when you go out and get back so he can be sure of your safety.

It maybe that he doesn’t realize how much he is hurting you by putting these restrictions on you, in which case you would have to let him know in order that he can understand how it’s effecting you. Maybe there is another reason behind his actions, but you will only be able to find out by talking about it.

Another way to overcome such difficulties in an intercultural marriage is to strive to learn more about the culture of the other spouse. This way, the other spouse will feel happy that you are eager to learn more about their background. It will also make it easier to understand another viewpoint and the reason people live different lives in the way they do, with different expectations. It might be that you two take time also to sit down and lay out each other’s expectations of one another. This way, you are both openly aware of what he expects of you, and likewise, he is aware of what you expect of him.

May Allah (swt) bring you peace and contentment in your marriage and help you to overcome the difficulties that you are facing right now.

Salam,