As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

It is understandable why you feel so confused right now when you have been treated so badly by your in-laws and your husband has declared a divorce seemingly out of frustration or anger. But you also have a child together and your concern is that even if he doesn’t care about you, he should at least care about your child.

 

To reassure you about what went on previously, try thinking about it this way: you say you felt humiliated because you were made to do things that you didn’t know how to do like cutting fish, but maybe they just wanted to help you to develop the skills to be able to cook for yourself. If they just sat back and did it all for you and didn’t ask you to do it, then how would you learn? You probably felt like you were being humiliated because you didn’t know how to do it, but it might be that you just felt very self conscious as we all do when people observe us doing something that we don’t know how to do. It is then common to feel like people are mocking us when they are not simply because we are not confident in what we are doing as it’s something new.

 

As for his mother’s attitude, again try looking at it from a different perspective. Perhaps, she didn’t intentionally mean to be aggressive, and since you were not entirely familiar with her mannerisms, you just took it this way, perhaps compared to those of your own mother. On the hand, if she actually was being intentionally aggressive, try and look at the situation from her perspective: you were in her house and had married her son and, therefore, he was giving you the time that he once gave her. This can be difficult for parents to give up, especially when everyone is all still living under the same roof.

 

Being in the same house together all the time will often lead to difficulties due to not having time away from each other to appreciate the best things about the other. Also, try to empathise with the situation of your husband who probably felt torn between the respect he has for his parents as they raised him and as we are told to in Islam, but also he has his responsibilities towards you to protect you and respect your rights, too. This must have been an incredibly difficult situation for him to be in, so try and see it from his perspective as well. Try and imagine how you would feel if you were in his position. It might make it easier to understand why he behaved the way he did.

 

Whilst this doesn’t solve the situation you are in now, it can help to soften your heart about everything that happened in the lead up to the divorce and make it easier to move forward with a calm approach and place you in more of a position to make rational decisions about the future. Along with cooling your attitudes to what has happened in the past, you must also ensure that this does not prevent you from praying to Allah (swt) to help you through this situation. You now have the space away from the case, so it will make it easier to reflect on what has happened and find time to pray more, make sincere du’aa’ to Allah (swt), and find solace in reading the Qur’an. This will also bring you comfort in your situation and confidence that Allah (swt) will guide you to move forward in the way that is most pleasing to Him (swt).

 

For now, give your (ex)husband the time that he says he needs to think things through. You need to also reflect on what’s happened and work on your relationship with Allah (swt). At this point, don’t place any unnecessary pressure on him. Use this as an opportunity improve your relationship with Allah (swt). This will also help to make you content with whatever happens in the future as you become happy and content with the Will of Allah (swt).

 

When he is ready to talk, it is advisable to do so in the presence of your local imam, firstly because since you are now divorced according to Islam, you are presently haram for each other. Secondly, if you decide to get back together and there are any conditions to be placed on the marriage that you are unhappy with, then you have a third party present to discuss compromises in such.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you peace and comfort in remembrance of Him (swt), and may He (swt) make the outcome of whatever happens in your relationship that which is best for you both and your child.

 

Salam,