As-Salamu ‘Alaikum brother,

 

May Allah (swt) grant you a happy marriage together.

 

The first thing I would advise now as you are about to enter marriage to this woman is to ensure that you are not randomly friends with any other sisters online (or in real life) that you could not be a mahram to. You can see in your situation how something seemingly innocent like sharing an e-book resulted in you eventually having conversations with her which has lead to a relationship and now marriage. I know this sounds like a bit of negative start, but engaging in conversations online can lead to haram relationships as likely as can they face-to-face. In the eyes of Islam, there is really no difference as you see there are many stories reported when people have had extra marital affairs after meeting online, so Shaytan can still be a third person when chatting online.

 

It would, therefore, be advisable that you begin by seeking repentance for your haram relations with this woman before getting married. This may sound a bit harsh, but it is best to start your marriage to this woman on a good footing by asking Allah’s (swt) forgiveness. Alhamdulilah that due to the distance you were obviously unable to consummate this relationship, so not all boundaries were crossed, but you can do all you can from this point to ensure that they wont be. So, you can begin with asking Allah (swt) to protect you from Shaytan, keeping close to Him (swt) by engaging in as many acts ofworship as you can, and abstaining from free mixing and being alone with other sisters (online or in person).

 

Beyond this, keep in mind that you are from two different cultural backgrounds and sometimes this can lead to misunderstandings between the couple. Therefore, make sure to learn and educate each other about your cultural heritages so that you may respect each other’s preferences and understand each other’s mannerisms that you might otherwise find unusual. In particular, you might pay attention to what she expects from a husband and what role she feels you should play. Likewise, you should do the same. Make clear from the very start your expectations from her. What you think is acceptable and not. This way, you avoid typical problems that frequently occur in marriages by making these things clear right from the very start. You could even do this by writing contracts and sharing them before the marriage even takes place so you have these things in mind.

 

A very useful thing to do as a couple, especially given that she is a revert to Islam, could be to engage in Islamic studies together, whether this be you teaching her or starting a new course together. Perhaps, you could even study the fiqh of marriage together in order that you are both clear on the rights of each other from an Islamic perspective that’s not bound by your cultural expectations, but by the expectations of Allah (swt). This way, you will have in mind right from the start the best ways to behave with your spouse that are pleasing to Allah (swt). This is something that’s often missing in marriages today which leads to future problems due to this lack of knowledge about each other’s rights. You can grow in knowledge together and strengthen your faith which will also nurture your love for each other, too, as you support each other in your studies.

 

You will come to develop this underlying respect for each other, and most importantly, you will be seeking Allah’s (swt) reward. Engaging in this, perhaps, more subtle type of worship will lead you to have Allah (swt) consistently in mind. By having Him (swt) in mind, you will also act in ways to please Him (swt) and, therefore, ensure you treat each other well in line with Islamic values. This will provide a strong basis for your relationship. You are in a good position to ensure that you don’t fall into the same problems many marriages face due to this lack of understanding.

 

May Allah (swt) bring you happiness and contentment in your marriage. May He (swt) make her the coolness of your eyes and grant you many successful years together.

 

Salam,