I feel extremely sad and heartbroken. I have admitted my mistakes that day and to be a better person. I am willing to make amends and learn from this. I myself have forgiven and accepted a lot of his shortcomings but he can't do the same to me for once.
I understand he might have been extremely hurt but is it so easy to throw away this marriage like that? Why he can't see my heart and love? What should I do. He keeps saying he wants to protect his mental health. I think he loves himself very much.I wish we could communicate and understand each other needs. But he doesn't care.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- We have to be able to distinguish between genuinely protecting our mental health and being unable to tolerate conflict, or wanting to escape from uncomfortable situations and emotions.
- Should not allow this situation to make you believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, or that you are not worthy of being loved because you made a mistake.
Assalamu alaykom,
Thank you for your letter where you explained what happened recently after a conflict with your husband.
You understand that he might have been extremely hurt by what happened. But you are asking yourself: How can it be so easy to throw away a marriage like that? He keeps saying that he wants to protect his mental health. So, what should you do?
It is completely understandable that someone wants to protect their mental health. At the same time, we have to be able to distinguish between genuinely protecting our mental health and being unable to tolerate conflict, or wanting to escape from uncomfortable situations and emotions.
Part of being in a relationship is learning how to resolve conflict. Conflict is a very natural, inevitable, and common part of relationships, particularly in marriage.
We therefore need to develop the ability to tolerate conflict, deal with it, and face it rather than immediately trying to escape from it.
Your reaction
On your side, I think it is important to recognize what I see as a genuine and honest attempt to reflect on what happened. You have tried to understand what was happening for you, what you were feeling, and why you responded in that particular way. And recognized that choosing silence and ignoring your husband was not the best way to handle the situation.
You also recognize that you were frustrated and that, in that moment, your emotional state led you to respond defensively. But on his side, this has not happened (yet?) and now you are facing a closed door.
I absolutely agree with you that, in general, one mistake should not necessarily determine the entire future of a relationship. It is unrealistic to expect that we will never disappoint one another, never fail to meet each other’s needs, or always respond perfectly. Sometimes people communicate well; sometimes they communicate poorly.
I don’t know exactly what happened between you, and we cannot deny how your husband experienced the situation. It may even have activated older emotional wounds in him, making it even more significant in his eyes. And that experience is valid.
Perhaps he was genuinely extremely hurt. But when this happens, we can choose what we do with this experience.
For example, there could be some curiosity about what happened inside him: What exactly was triggered? Why was the experience so painful for him? What did the situation mean to him?
There is also an important distinction here. It may not have been your intention to hurt him. You acted in a way that caused him to feel hurt. That is not necessarily the same as intentionally trying to hurt him. Is he able to carry his hurt without putting its emotional weight on you?
What can you do?
You can continue to try to seek reconciliation if that is what you genuinely want. Maybe he just needs more time to be able to talk. Focus on what is within your control: acknowledge your part, learn from it, communicate your willingness to repair if there is an opportunity to do so, and then respect his decision and his boundaries.
On the other hand, you need to make sure that you do not “overfunction” and take responsibility for his emotional state.
I think you should not allow this situation to make you believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, or that you are not worthy of being loved because you made a mistake.
Furthermore, if he is completely unable or unwilling to engage in a process of communication and repair, that is also information for you about his way of dealing with conflict and his capacity for emotional maturity within a marriage.
Every one of us has vulnerable points, weaknesses, and patterns that can emerge under stress. In a marriage, those vulnerable areas are inevitably going to be activated at some point.
He absolutely has the right to decide that he does not want to continue the marriage. But if he chooses to end the marriage rather than engage in any further process of repair, that decision also tells you something about his readiness to deal with relational conflict and to engage emotionally in a marriage.
And perhaps, this experience may eventually lead you somewhere that is better suited to you. Sometimes we only understand later why a painful experience happened and what it ultimately taught us.
You can also seek individual or marriage counseling to explore patterns and dynamics and create a conscious strategy to deal with these conflicts in the future.
I hope this helps,
