Answer
Assalamo alaikom sister,
Thank you for writing to us. I can feel from your few, yet loaded words that you have experienced trauma from a very early age. I do not have details on your situation, but I will do my best to answer your concerns.
Islam Reboot
Sister, I am not sure how Islam has been presented to you from an early childhood. But, from the pain you are projecting, it seems to me you have not been presented with a nuanced picture.
Whether you have been a victim of a “cultural upbringing” or “fanatic interpretations” the result is the same, as you yourself put it: “utmost misery in each of my waking moments.”
I invite you to revisit Islam in its true form. That of a religion that is not there to make us hate life, but rather to live it in a balanced and healthy way in harmony with our surroundings.
Please visit us in our live chat or drop an email for a long one on one rewarding conversation. That, I can truly promise you.
Spiritual Burnout
You describe the “anger on how my trials are of such pain that I could not even justify a higher wisdom and guilt on resisting it, this guilt however does not compel me to seek answer within islam rather it compels me to be free of it.”
Let’s break this down. You are loaded with both anger and guilt. These are very intense emotions, but they are actually healthy in your case as they are helping you lay hands on what needs to be done. You coming to us here is a clear example that you are in conflict and need guidance.
Life Coach
That being said, in the time being, I advise you as well to seek a one on one therapy, through our trained life coach, to help you deal with your trauma as well as navigate your daily challenges.
In shaa Allah with the help of understanding true islamic teachings as well as the guidance of a therapist you will start gaining strength on how to deal with these painful pangs of anger and how to control and manage them.
In Islam, this world (Dunya) is explicitly described not as a place of justice, but as a place of trials, which could often be seen as if God is not there for us.
Trapped in Guilt
You say you feel like leaving Islam will render you a free spirit, not feeling judged nor trapped in guilt of these negative thoughts that are gnawing at your soul.
Why not try instead to understand why you are feeling this way in the first place? Have you perhaps been judged and trapped in guilt in what you were believed to think is in the name of Islam?
Who said as a Muslim you are even meant to feel that way? Allah wants us to be healthy individuals that gain harmony and strength from the Deen to help us in this world and in the hereafter.
So, basically “the [source of the] utmost misery” you are experiencing is not from Islam, but rather a false version of Islam.
Allah is our Source of Love, Mercy and Justice
I invite you in these blessed last ten nights of Ramadan, to open up a new chapter in your life that involves studying and living with the names and attributes of Allah to get to know your Creator and the love, mercy and justice of the Almighty that is closer to us than our jugular veins.