Answer
- Start a diary where you note your daily good deeds and worship. Realize and recognize how much you do for the sake of Allah in the present.
- Seek prefessional help. With an official diagnosis, you can start a proper treatment as soon as possible and have improvement in your spiritual life too.
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah, sister,
Thank you for turning to us and sharing your struggle.
You certainly did the right thing when you gave up sinning, sister; there is no doubt about that. As you said, pleasing someone other than Allah does lead us astray, and we pay the price of losing inner contentment and peace on the way.
Now, you are externally back on track—doing your 5 daily prayers—but inside you “cannot feel a thing”. You say you are not doing it out of love but out of fear of being exposed for your sins.
Let me stop here for a moment.
Repentance and Forgiveness
If you have left behind your past and sinful behavior, it is time to move on, dear sister.
We all sin and commit errors. Repentance and sincere forgiveness are the keys, along with a commitment to stop sinful behavior.
„As for those who repent afterwards and mend their ways, then surely Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Quran 3:89)
After this, life goes on, and you may not experience a huge emotional and spiritual shift right then.
You may feel the burden of guilt fall, but it may take time until you find comfort and real contentment in your worship.
Take Your Time
So, what I first suggest is to take your time.
Keep up your practice and do not focus overly on each emotion you feel or the past sins you committed. Try not to think about it too much, as what happened is in the past.
Just trust that you are doing the right thing, and with time you will also feel that.
It is the promise of Allah in the Quran, so believe that. Just turn to Him and share your fears while trusting in His mercy.
You can also start doing regular dhikr and supplications—turn to Him with your own words and ask Him for inner peace and strength. These activities will help you, in sha Allah, feel him closer to you.
List Your Good Deeds
Try to occupy your present with more positive, uplifting experiences that make you realize that you do deserve the mercy and forgiveness of Allah.
Look around for activities and good deeds you can do: is there a charity around, volunteer work, helping with the elderly or the youth? Find a meaningful activity and participate in it regularly.
Along with that, you may start a diary where you note your daily good deeds and worship. Reward yourself for them. Realize and recognize how much you do for the sake of Allah in the present.
If you start doubting or thinking about the past, ask yourself: Is there evidence that now you are on the right track? If you are doubting, just check your diary and read through the daily worship and good deed lists.
You said that you were diagnosed with OCD. Are you currently under treatment?
If not, and you are still struggling with obsessive thoughts that you cannot control and that take over your life, please seek treatment.
The professional will decide about possible medication and therapy, or possibly a combination of both. This is something that can help you a lot to control your thoughts and learn to cope with them in the long run.
Depression?
I am not sure what you mean by being diagnosed with depression.
You may have symptoms like feelings of depression, sadness, hopelessness, lack of sleep or the opposite, weight gain or the opposite, and a lack of energy and motivation. These feelings can also affect your spiritual life and worship and may cause the apathy (“not feeling a thing”) you talked about in your letter.
In this case, you may not notice a significant change in your mood with these tips, as there is an underlying mental health issue behind your struggle that also manifests in your spiritual life.
However, until you get a professional assessment and diagnosis, it is unclear.
So, I kindly ask you to seek help, especially because with an official diagnosis, you can start a proper treatment as soon as possible and have improvement in your spiritual life too.
May Allah help you with this.
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