Dear Brother/Sisters,

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 8 questions that our counselor has provided an answer for. We apologize for not responding all the other questions.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Q1. My Fiancé Didn’t Observe Proper Hijab

Assalamu alaikum,

I found out through pictures on social media that my fiancé did not use to observe proper Hijab and mixed freely with men while in the first year of university. She would hang out in places like the beach where everyone was wearing shorts and T-shirt.

My fiancé wears proper hijab now and that was how I first met her. I did not ask her directly about the pictures but asked about her views on hijab, for which she said that she didn’t use to wear it properly but chose to do so after her first year in university. However, the fact that such pictures are still up on the internet hurts me deeply as I had assumed that she would have taken it down if she knows the importance of observing hijab.

I do not know how to bring up this sensitive topic to her without offending her. I don’t want her to make a decision for my sake. I want her to make the decision for Allah. A secondary fear that I have is that if she does not feel hijab is as important, she might not raise the kids with the same understanding. And it is very easy to go astray in the secular environment that kids grow up in.

Q2. Tired of Being Depressed

Assalumalikum, I am a 27 year old man, about to be 28 this year In Sha Allah.

I am really going through a rough patch in my life. I am depressed, I am anxious all the time, I over think and I am lonely. All my life I was always a failure, never really did well in studies, wanted to be a cricketer but was not supported. Became lazy and ignorant, although I kept praying and coming back to Allah. But I was hurt and I didn’t took my responsibility seriously. So as a man I have desires and I wanted to pursue it in a haram way, but I also got rejected over there, got more depressed, made me feel conscious of my look even more (I am bald since I was 22) maybe Allah saved me in a way from haram but it still hurts that I am unattractive because now I want to marry and I don’t want to marry someone who isn’t attracted to me.

I also crave love and affection. But I also can’t do that as I don’t have a good job. I just earn enough to feed myself, can’t send money to my parents, can’t help the poor or anything. Time is running out and I am getting more and more depressed day by day and I see my life flashing, recalling each and every failure.

I don’t really know what to do. I wanna get married but I don’t have money and I feel unattractive. How do I cope up with this? Sometimes I wish that I die so that a burden could be lifted from my parents and I’ll be at ease at least under the grave (hopefully). Please tell me how do I carry myself forward with hope and a smile?

Q3. How can We Save Our 15 Year Marriage

Assalamualaikum, respected brother/ sister, we have been married for 15 yrs and 14 (son), 12 and 9yr (daughters), we both are practicing muslims and perform all our obligations on time.

My wife is a better muslim and learn hadith and teaches her friends and family as well. I have always loved my wife and wanted her love and attention but felt that I was last in her list of priorities and was not given enough time and attention. I have provided the best I can for them and everything I did was for my family. All I did was work and be with them.

Last year, I had a physical incident with my wife where I tried to choke (astagfirullah) due to misunderstanding between us. I have raised my in 15 years I have raised my hand on my wife, this time being worse than ever. I have been physically abusive toward my son to discipline him but never too seriously and I had called names to my wife once a while. I’m ashamed of my behavior and want Allah and my wife to forgive me (she said she has forgiven me). She left the house with the kids to move into a shelter on advice of her cousins and she stayed there for 5 months.

In the first month we barely spoke and then we solved our issue and spoke daily multiple times and met each other and worked on our relationship. In this period I went for Psychotherapy, islamic counseling and anger management and offered to go for the “Caring Dad” program suggested by the authorities.

Since she came back I have showered all my love on her and the family, spent all my time with the kids, been the best husband and dad and made up for the lost time, I work hard and provide for the entire family and always provide them with the best I can.

I never forced my wife to work or disrespected her family and since she came back I did not even raise my voice at her but unfortunately I once got very angry at my son but still did not hit him. Due to this reason I was asked by her family to move out and I stayed in my car for 8 days. Now I’m back at home but my wife does not eat with me, we have separate beds and do not even give me eye contact, we have her family member staying with us to make sure everything is right but that person is very unfair and will not even let us talk alone and interfere at every opportunity.

My wife wants me to divorce her because she feels this is the best way to keep my son safe and myself as well as if another incident happens my son could be harmed badly by me and taken to foster home and I will be taken by the cops. Her distant family spreads rumors about me and threatens me behind my back .

I know my wife still loves me a lot, cares for me and will not do anything which is not permitted by Allah. She is told by some Imam that she can ask for a divorce as she is oppressed and fears for her child.

Questions:

 1) Is this a fair reason for divorce. 2) We have not done any counseling or mediation together and all decisions are made by her family, is this right? 3) is divorce liable when we still love and care for each other. 4) If forced, can I ask for an Iddaah period? 5) Is my wife still oppressed (as she was in the past) can demand for a khula?

I haven’t even raised my voice at her since she is back. I love my family and i’m doing everything to change myself by fasting nafl fast, praying tahajjud, crying and begging to Allah to forgive and to give me a chance to be how my wife wanted me to be and for Allah to bless me in loving, caring and cherishing my family by being the best father and husband I can. please guide.

Q4. Unsafe Neighborhood

Salam, my neighborhood is very dirty and ugly. All our lives we have grown up listening to disbelievers chanting so loud. It would make me very sad as a child.

I always thought that I am depressed but now I realize the environment was horrible. A small slum beside where families got drunk and yelled all day and night. Same kind of people all around us.

When I grew up, I could not go out of home. We only went to school. Now we changed our home, things are better here. Though people here yell too and make huge hangover sounds while vomitting. I wear headphones whenever they begin or close my ears tightly. Even describing this is hurtful. Never in my life did I walk outside, the only time we went out was to see a doctor or something very emergency like that. Hence I have no friends.

Now I am a 26 years old working but I still cannot afford a vehicle for myself and so am suffocating at home all day. Even when I go out, I do not feel comfortable people here gawk like crazy. I am so scared now, I dont go out at all! I am a very good looking person and I dont like that. And wherever I go, a gym for example, guys try to flirt with me and everyone looks at me. The staring part is common in my country, I see people looking at other girls too but when I am out even if someone is looking down will turn around to look at me. I wear black abaya just to look common and not get stared at.

Everything scares me now. So I thought moving out of country may help. I have always worked very hard to apply and secure scholarships in developed nations but my family is miserable, my two unemployed brothers always gets in the way of my success. Staying at home all day is horrible enough, to add unemployed men at home all day is unbearable.

My attempts to immigrate continues though & I pray to Allah for company of wise people and a clean environment. I am scared now that I am an adult I only want to immigrate with my partner and not alone. My parents are trying best to find me a partner. But I am not as strong as I used to be when I was 21 or 22, when I patiently endured all this by reading, learning new things at home only but now I am unable to endure this anymore. I want to go out, although I am scared and not having a partner makes me insecure now for the very first time. All my life, even worst times, I felt sad and scared but never insecure.

Sometimes, I feel I would feel a bit safer if I had my own car. That would mean putting up all my savings, even then I could afford a used car. I may lose all of my savings that I have been saving for immigration purpose. What is more important in Islam? saving for future? or having my own vehicle that protects me from other men seeing me. My family does not have financial means to move out of this neighbourhood.

My second question is staring at women, intoxication, yelling, backbiting is all forbidden in Islam, the more I read about Islam the more I realize how bad these things are and when I find myself in such a neighborhood it makes me feel low about myself, I tend to think either I am one of them or fear that I will become one of them. I feel that is the reason I am failing to get out of here. Kindly advice

Q5. Abused by Married Son: How Can I Heal?

Slm. I have a married son living with me with his wife & child. I took them in 2 years ago & ever since he has been very rude to me. He would swear me & threaten to physically abuse me when we have disagreements. He did this previously as well before living with me.

I warned him & his wife that should he continue to abuse me verbally that I will ask them to leave. It happened again & I told them to leave. He does not show any remorse & continues to ignore me. Both him & his wife are extremely upset that I have asked them to leave. This behaviour has caused me lots of stress & affected my health in a bad way.

How does one heal emotionally after being abused by your son & how does one forgive him? I feel that I never want to see him again & feel lots of anger towards him.

Q6. Husband Looks at Beautiful Women Online

Salaam, I am feeling very insecure about myself.

My husband who is a practicing Muslim told me not to wear any make up or beautify myself outside the house. I listened to him, I researched into Islam and I have stopped beautifying myself and now wear a hijab.

I can’t help but miss my old self who would wear make up and dress up. Recently I found online that my husband has been looking at girls on social media. They are modest dressed girls but with their hair out and make up on. I feel it is unacceptable of him to look at other women in make up etc I as his wife am protecting my beauty for him only and he is looking at other beautiful women online.

I confronted him about this and he said he was just being curious and looked at their profile accounts. He has since apologised and said he won’t do it again but I can’t help but still worry this will happen again. Sometimes I notice him glancing at a non Muslim women and then he looks away. I never get any attention or affection from him.

Please can I get some advice, I feel extremely anxious over this and not sure who to turn too.

Q7. My Mother Doesn’t Like My Wife

Assalamu alikum, my mom doesn’t like my wife since I married. It’s been 7 years .now my sister also against my wife. But I am ok with my wife. They are making a lot of reasons throughout my marriage .now my sister had a WhatsApp argument with her and now they are talking each other. I am in middle of their fight and don’t know what to do .now my wife told me don’t talk to my sister anymore bcoz she literally hate her anything. I cannot handle this I’m completely helpless even i talk to them its not working. What I’m gonna do now.

Q8. How to Fix Poor Marital Communication

What do I do when I’m unhappy in my marriage due to very poor lack of communication?