Answer
Salam Dear Elisha,
I am happy to hear that you are interested in Islam and I pray that Allah will open your heart and guide you. You are fortunate to have some sisters near you who can help you on your path.
You ask about male-female relations and whether you will be considered “tainted.”
First of all let me remind you of the words of Allah and His Prophet (peace be upon him).
In the Quran, Allah tells us what means:
(O ye who believe! Let not a folk deride a folk who may be better than they (are), nor let women (deride) women who may be better than they are; neither defame one another, nor insult one another by nicknames. Bad is the name of lewdness after faith. And whoso turneth not in repentance, such are evil doers.
O ye who believe! Shun much suspicion; for lo! some suspicion is a crime. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Ye abhor that (so abhor the other)! And keep your duty (to Allah). Lo! Allah is Relenting, Merciful.
O mankind! Lo! We have created you male and female, and have made you nations and tribes that ye may know one another. Lo! the noblest of you, in the sight of Allah, is the best in conduct. Lo! Allah is Knower, Aware.) (Al-Hujurat 49:11-13)
And in his final sermon, the Prophet said:
All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. (Ahmad)
Allah orders us to look upon one another as brothers and sisters and not to let racial, national, and tribal affiliations be barriers. Nor should we make fun of one another for any defects — real or perceived.
Furthermore, when someone accepts Islam, their past sins are forgiven and their slate is wiped clean.
Those are the ideals that Muslims should strive to live up to. Will you face prejudice for being a convert (revert)? Most likely not. Most Muslims are all too happy to accept reverts.
But the world is not ideal, and so you might find yourself shut out to some degree.
Some new Muslims, male and female, complain that they feel left out of things. They say that the “native” Muslims around them exclude them from conversations and they don’t really feel a part of the communities they live near. They enter a mosque where people are having an animated conversation in another language; as soon as they approach the group, the conversation stops and they are not greeted warmly.
This is most likely to happen when the majority of Muslims in that community are first- or second-generation immigrants. Where the community is largely made of converts or third- and later-generation descendants of immigrants, new Muslims are unlikely to feel excluded.
And again because we do not live in an ideal world, you might find some individuals who are haughty, thinking that because they speak Arabic, for example, they know more about Islam than reverts. They might be able to read more because of their language ability, but if they have a haughty attitude, then the teachings have not penetrated their hearts.
In your case, Elisa, you have already found a circle of sisters who are helping you and who sound supportive, so I think that you will not encounter this problem of being excluded by “native” Muslims.
You ask specifically about marriage: “Will they be willing to marry me, even though I was raised in and by a society whose morals do not conform to those of Islam?”
Ideally, anything you did in the past should not be held against you because once you accept Islam, your past sins will be erased. If once you accept Islam you live a chaste life, you should be judged only by that — your life after Shahadah (Testimony of Faith).
A potential spouse has no right to inquire into your sexual past, for example, though he does have the right to be assured that you are free of any sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS. Also, if you have had abortions or other procedures that might affect your ability to have children (by scarring the uterus, for example), he has the right to know.
Again, that is the ideal world. Whether any specific individual will be prejudiced against you, I can’t say.
I would like to give you a few words of caution regarding marriage shortly after reversion. Some reverts — especially women — are pressured into marriage very shortly after they take Shahadah and before they have fully assimilated the teachings of Islam.
I advise you to take your time and proceed slowly. Learn how to pray, how to read the Quran, how to live as a Muslim. Read a lot, and learn from people who are knowledgeable.
Many “native” Muslims are well meaning, but they confuse culture with Islam. They might teach you that something is the “Islamic” way to do things, when in fact it is only a tradition of their culture. You need to know enough about your religion to be able to sort out what is Islam and what is culture.
You might also find that certain ethnic groups are less willing to marry outside their group. Asians, for example, are more likely to insist on marrying other Asians. Arabs seem more open to the idea of marrying non-Arabs.
But here again, you must be cautioned. Make sure that the suitor is not just trying to get a green card (permanent residency). Have the local imam or a trusted friend’s husband act as your wali (guardian) if your family cannot or will not do so. Insist on seeing the man’s immigration papers or proof of citizenship if you have the slightest doubt.
Of course, you can always look for a spouse among other reverts or among American Muslims of whatever descent. They will be much more understanding of the cultural background you bring into the marriage.
The most important thing to look for in a spouse is their level of religion and piety. Similarities in education, social status, cultural background, and interests are also important and should not be overlooked. Below you will find some links on choosing a partner.
I hope this answer has helped you. May Allah guide you on your way. If you have any more questions, do not hesitate to write to us.
Salam.