Salam Aleikom,

Thank you for submitting your questions. Thank you sister Aisha for answering them.

Question 1

I fell in love with a classmate of mine when I was about 17years old. We were both very much in love but never had an intimate relationship. We decided to get married as soon as I turned 20.

Both our families agreed to our relationship. But my father didn’t know about my boyfriend. He was abroad and didn’t meet him. When he came back, he realized that my boyfriend’s mother(divorced long ago) was someone whom he had an affair with while still being married to my mom. He was fine with our engagement but all of a sudden he started acting weird. Saying I should never marry him.

I was heartbroken and wanted to find the reason, and came to know the affair he had with my boyfriend’s mother long ago. I told my mother and my boyfriend about it. My mother was so upset she begged me not to be with him. I felt like I would die of crying. But I couldn’t refuse my mother. So I left him and I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore. I wanted to run away with him, but I knew that wasn’t a solution.

So I thought the only way to solve that heartache for me was to get married to a pious person. My plan for my future was to study. But I changed it, and got married instead. I respect my husband and we have good communication. And I love him but I’ve never been able to love my husband the way I loved my ex-boyfriend.

It’s been a decade now since we got married, but I still feel like the memories of my ex-boyfriend are still fresh. I can’t forget about him. So many nights I cry to sleep remembering him. Sometimes I feel like my husband is much better than my ex-boyfriend. But still, I just can’t forget about him or get over him. He’s also married now.

Please help. I’ve been making dua to make me forget him or at least the feelings I have for him. It’s been almost a decade and I don’t know why I still feel this way.

As salamu alaikum sister,

Shukran or writing to our Live Session and for trusting us with your most important issues and concerns. As I understand your situation, you fell in love at age 17 and both of your families agree to the marriage. It was only when your father found out that your fiancee’s mother was a woman whom he had cheated on when he was married to your mother, did the problems start.

A Hurtful Truth

Your dad informed you to not marry your fiancee. Understandably upset, you told your mom and the boy about the affair and quite naturally your mom was heartbroken to find this out. Your mom was devastated and crying, pleaded with you to not marry him

A Painful Reminder

I can imagine every time your mom would see your fiancee, she would be filled with thoughts of being betrayed. The hurt that your father imposed upon her by cheating was now out in the open, a deep wound, festering. Also, your dad would be reminded of his sinful ways as well. Sadly sister, if he was to be your husband he would always be that reminder.

Repentence

On the other hand, since your father did commit this sin with his mother, insha’Allah he sincerely repented. When we repent, we do not bring up the incident at all. Once we sincerely repent we trust in Allah’s forgiveness, we do not do it again, and we move forward with our lives. Whether or not your father repented is between him and Allah. I think you can agree though, that this marriage would be a harmful and painful union for your mom to endure as well as uncomfortable for your father. It is sad that this is why it had to end, but Allah knows best.

“All the sins of my followers will be forgiven except those of the Mujahirin (those who commit a sin openly or disclose their sins to the people). An example of such disclosure is that a person commits a sin at night and though Allah screens it from the public; then, he comes in the morning, and says, ‘O so-and-so, I did such-and-such (evil) deed yesterday.’ Though he spent his night screened by his Lord (none knowing about his sin) and in the morning he removes Allah’s screen from himself.” [Bukhari, Adab 60; Muslim, Zuhd 52, (2990).]

Unfair Choices

It was unfair that this happened, neither of you did anything to cause this. It was the choices of his mom and your dad. Sadly, you both had to relinguish your plans of marriage for the betterment of both families. This was a sacrifce that was honorable, although it hurt, moving forward the marriage may have only served to cause pain for both families as well as the two of you.

Allah’s Blessings

Sister, Allah saw your pain, hurt, and sacrafice and Alah blessed you with a wonderful husband who loves you. It may be that in your inability to let go of the past, you are denying yourself of Allah’s favor and blessings.

’The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better.” Musnad Aḥmad 22565

Still Loves Ex-Fiancee

Sister, I understand that your pain and hurt has lasted for many years. Sometimes when we find one who touches our soul and heart it is often hard to let go, even after much time. Sometimes we wonder ’what would my life have been like”. We may long for the times when things felt innocent and we felt in control of our lives. Our longing for, and loving a person from our past may not have to do with that actual person, but in fact may have more to do more with who we were back then and how we felt.

Examining Feelings

Sister I encourage you to examine your feelings. Write down how you felt as a person back then compared to how you feel now. Try to not focus on your ex, only you. Are there many changes? If so, can you pinpoint what brought you joy and what made you feel sadness or anger? What about now? Also, you did not talk much about your fathers betrayal nor your mom’s hurt. How did that make you feel? Do you feel you are carrying any of that with you today? I can imagine it was a big shock. I can imagine it hurt you deeply. Did you ever work through any of those feelings?

Living in the Present

My dear sister, we are living in the present, the past is gone, and we can only move forward. I kindly suggest that you truly examine your feelings in relation to this past ’love”. In all likelihood, you are not the same people as you were 10 years ago. You both were blessed to go on with your lives, get married, and create a life that pleases Allah, insha’Allah.

Dealing with Feelings

Sister feelings about your ex are only keeping you trapped in the past. Insha’Allah, analyze your feelings to begin healing from past hurt. When we confront what we are feeling, break it down to ’what and why”, we often find them to be related to other things which we can then begin to process and deal with more effectively. Once we see that they are not valid anymore, they may become more managable.  We may find them becoming more insignificant as we begin to heal and move forward.

Build with your Husband

Sister, continue making dua to Allah that you will get over these feelings.

I kindly suggest that you seek to find the good qualities in your husband and remember that HE is a blessing from Allah swt. Focus on this-and building your relationship with him, not the past.

The Nature of Love

Sister, you say you will never been able to love your husband the way you love your ex boyfriend. However we can never love two people the same. We must keep in mind though that Allah closes doors for a reason. There is a reason why you and that boy did not marry. Allah allows or may even cause things like this to happen for our own good, to keep us from harm. By remembering this and trusting in Allah, it makes it easier to move forward. We as Muslims have total faith in Allah’s wisdom, blessings, and love for us.

Conclusion

Sister, as you begin to take steps in the present by healing the past, focusing on loving your husband and becoming more of the person you dreamed of, perhaps you can start to study. You stated you had plans to study but then you got married instead. I guess my question at this point, is why can you not study and be married?

You stated that you and your husband have good communication. Perhaps you can speak with your husband about your desire to study and insha’Allah he will be supportive. Going to school may be one step towards deliberately creating a new life while letting go of the ’old”.

Sister please do resolve the past so you can fully engage in the present as well as show Allah how thankful you are for the blessings He has given you. I am confident you will be more happy on this path and have much resolve. We wish you the best.

“And with Him are the keys of the unseen; none knows them except Him. And He knows what is on the land and in the sea. Not a leaf falls but that He knows it. And no grain is there within the darknesses of the earth and no moist or dry [thing] but that it is [written] in a clear record.” [Quran, 6: 59]

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Question 2

Assalamaikum. I’m 50 and unmarried but not by choice – my parents never helped me get married, so I stayed chaste and now I work full-time while taking care of my elderly parents.  I’ve always wanted to get married and have babies and enjoy the things that companionship/intimacy have to offer, but as a Muslim woman, I always felt that my only avenues were dua.

Later in life, in my late 30s/early 40s, internet matchmaking sites surfaced but they never worked for me – probably because I was already “too old” by Islamic standards. Anyway, I am writing now because I am trying to embrace “tawakkul” and accept that marriage was never written for me. I am having a hard time with this.

My dad is deteriorating and when he dies my mom will have to live with me full-time; as it is, even though I don’t live with them, I live close by and take care of them, and I am dreading the time my mother has to live with me. My parents have never been “easy”, they have always been quite critical of me,and despite being religious they have always felt that things must go according to their wishes.

This has not changed even as I became an adult.  I am making dua every day that I accept Allah’s destiny for me, that I can joyfully embrace what Allah has written for me.  But its hard.  I recently met a man online I was itnerested in – just one – but he wasn’t interested in me at all; this makes it worse because I saw him as a means of getting out of my situation.

I also spend money on my parents, which is fine, I earn, but I also have to save for my own old age.  My parents do not want my older brothers to help at all, as they are married with adult children themselves, and my brothers are perfectly ok with that!  In fact, when I mention to my mom that maybe one of my brothers should be helping more, she becomes quite angry with me.You can’t “reason” with my parents, especially now that they are old, and my father has dementia.  None of my friends are in this position, they all have husbands and children who can help them. 

I also feel a bit resentful that I cannot go out and “date” in the general population, as non-muslim women can; I know that sounds terrible, but whenever I ask how to find a spouse, I am always told the same things – make dua, speak to your parents, speak to an imam, go online — like any of those things work!  My parents have dementia, and there is no imam in myvicinity who will go husband hunting for older muslim women in the community!  In fact, one imam told me once that my problem was that I was “too educated”.

I’m sorry I am rambling, but I am trying so desperately to cling to hope, to cling to Allah’s mercy, to accept His decree for me….yet its not working. I try to fast, I read surah Yusuf and Al-Imran, I read the dua of Musa and of Jonas.  But I’m not succeeding. And then my mind turns to the thought of that man I met online and what it would be like to marry him and share an intimate life with him.  These are dangerous thoughts because they turn my mind away from the reality of my situation.  

As salamu alaikum sister,

Shukran or writing to our Live Session. Your situation is one that is becoming more and more common these days. As responsibilities within families increase causing delays in marriages, as well as women who are divorced, widowed, or revert, the single women phenomenon is real.

Current Situation

Based on what you wrote, you are 50 years old, educated, never married, and are taking care of your parents. You do work full time and while your parents may be difficult at times, you do not complain about taking care of them physically or financially. You are a wonderful daughter!

Missing the Benefits of Marriage

However, you are naturally missing the intimacy, closeness, security, protection, the companionship of a spouse. Sister this is natural and it is human. There is nothing wrong with longing for these things still. Allah created marriage as a blessing and protection, there is no reason why you (or any woman) would be excluded unless there are other barriers that will be covered in this response.

Difficulty Finding a Husband

Often times women must have difficulty getting married because they feel that only parents can pick a spouse, or that there’s something wrong with them. Neither of these are true in your case. Even at this point, there are many fine attributes that you have to offer a husband. I can understand the difficulty in your past and now present in finding a husband. Trusting in Allah is paramount as a Muslim, as is actively doing what you can to meet someone. By this, I mean that yes we trust in Allah but we tie our camel. As you were seeking only the help of your parents and possibly an imam, that greatly narrows your choices and ability to meet someone. Yes, you did go online to find a husband like a lot of Muslim women do, but you have not met a man to marry yet. Sister I would encourage you to first address a few things Insha Allah to improve your outcomes insha’Allah

Self Love is the first Romance

One issue may be that you may have low confidence. You did say your mother was always critical of you and that may have been assimilated into your concept of self. Men are quick to pick up on that as are others. The first step I kindly recommend would be to value and love yourself for who you are.

Take a Personal Inventory

If needed make a list of all of your good qualities and attributes. These include your physical and spiritual attributes as well as your physical attributes. Yes! There is beauty in aging! Please do keep in mind as you are doing this, that our beloved prophet (PHUH) married women of all ages and social statuses. As you know Khadesha was older than him by many years yet he loved her dearly.

Some Non-Islamic Perceptions Today

Some of the issues today seem to be that some men focus more on things that are not lasting. It is said to marry a woman for her piety. This is most important to Allah. Additionally, most Muslim men strive to be like our Prophet (PBUH) but fail to really see how he did live his life in regards to women, marriage, and honor. With that said, once you realize that you are still beautiful, pious, loving, educated, and you seek to please Allah, a man would be blessed to have you as a wife.

’The Prophet (May Allah exalt his mention and protect him from imperfection) said: “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!”. (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Finding a Suitable Spouse for the Sake of Allah

Oftentimes women past a certain age feel that they are useless, unmarriageable, and destined to be alone. Well yes aging can decrease the pool size when seeking a husband as a lot are married, I have seen many women and their forties, fifties, and sixties finding husbands and living their best lives.

I think the difference with some of these women is that not only did they make duaa, but they also actually made some life changes that needed to be made to accommodate a husband. Perhaps they were also more social and did not only depend upon family or an imam to introduce them to someone. It appears to me that the women who were successful in finding a suitable husband were the ones who were confident, engaged in various Islamic events, and were willing to change certain situations at home.

Kind Suggestions

Insha’Allah, set your resolve to find all of the beautiful traits that you possess. You are a blessing. In addition please do be open to other avenues of meeting a potential spouse. This would include attending Islamic events, participating in different activities or new hobbies that would enable you to meet someone in a Halal way, as well as freshening up your profile on the Muslim site for marriage.

Prepare to Have more Personal Time in Your Life

Once you realize how wonderful Allah has created you, as well as recognizing your ability to become more engaged in social activities, I would kindly suggest that you address the issues going on with your parents.Marriage takes time sis, and yes-most men do want a wife who has time for them, creating a home and a life togerher… and rightfully so.

’The Messenger of Allah (S) has said, “There is no foundation that has been built in Islam more loved by Allah, (The Greatest and Noblest) than marriage.”

Childrens Responsibilities to Parents

Yes, chidren are responsible to care for their parents. Not one child-all of them have this responsibility. You take very good care of your parents however your parents have other children who are bound by Allah to take care of them as well. It is not only on you. Insha’Allah, do speak with your brothers and be very firm on your resolution to divide up the responsibilities regarding your parents. Sister in order to be ready for a possible marriage insha’Allah you will need your siblings to take on their Islamic duties for your parents. I will kindly suggest that you do speak with your brothers about dividing up the responsibility for your parents both physically and financially.

“Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood’ “(17:23-24).

You have a Right to the Good things Allah Created for Us

You have the right to a life. You have the right to also find love, companionship, and happiness. While your brothers may not like the idea, it is incumbent upon them to take care of your parents according to the Quran. Additionally while your parents may not like the idea, they also do not have the right to hold you back from pursuing a marriage or seeking a happy life outside of caring for them.It could be that you will meet someone who will also have some responsibilities as far as family and who will be understanding. However this is not to say that your whole life should continue to revolve around taking care of your parents when you have brothers. Perhaps that may have interfered with any initial interest in the past.

Conclusion

Sister, in life there should be a balance in all things if possible. There has been a huge imbalance in your life wherein you had all other responsibilities. This is not fair to you. You also had to suffer through criticism from your mom, stigmatization from the Islamic community, as well as trying to please everyone. This has not been an easy path for you and I admire your strength and fortitude sister. The reality of your situation my dear sister is that you can change it if you want to in order to increase your chances of meeting a quality man for marriage insha’Allah. However it will take some introspection,self love, firm stances regarding your siblings, as well as being open to trying different (halal), new things in life. I belive you can do it sister, trust in Allah’s mercy and love for you, while making the needed adjustments. We wish you the best.

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Question 3

I feel very depressed when I read about marriage and the more I read about it the more I get scared. When I see all the hadiths telling the wife about the husband’s rights I get terrified, because there are so many hadiths saying that whenever she annoys her husband she gets cursed by the hoor alyn and her prayer does not get accepted among many other hadiths as such.

But when it comes to the husband we do not see anything like that, by that I mean there are 0 hadiths telling him that he will be cursed or that he will be punished. And I always see fatwas sayign that the husband’s rights are great but never the other way around. It seems that marriage is just there to please the husband as all I see is hadiths about the punishments of the wife if he is not happy, but if the wife is not happy or he hurts her, oh well whatever. 

As salamu alaikum sister,

Shukran or writing to our Live Session. Your questions are ones that a lot of women are concerned about, especially new Muslims, or those who are studying marriage rights more in-depth. You bring up many valid points but there is more to marriage rights than just the benefits and blessings for the husband. I will do my best to address your concerns however I am not an Islamic scholar, please consult with our ’Ask the Scholar” section of AboutIslam if you need a more in-depth response.

Purpose of Marriage

Sister, besides procreation, Allah created marriage as a sacred union, to protect one another, to grow spiritually, to raise children, and to strengthen one another. Marriage is for both women and men to enjoy. He did not create marriage as a sport, a prize, a contest, nor a ’master-slave” relationship. Allah created marriage as a blessing for both. In the Qur’an it states:

“And one of His signs is that He has created for you, spouses from amongst yourselves so that you might take comfort in them and He has placed between you, love and mercy. In this there is surely evidence (of the truth) for the people who carefully think.” (Surah 30, Verse 21)

As we can see, it states the words ’comfort, love, mercy”. It also does not state that these things are just for men, it is for women too. Wives are accountable to Allah and their husbands. It is this way in other religions as well such as Christianity.

Husbands are Accountable too

So how can a marriage that is to be loving, merciful, and a comfort appear to penalize women so much? Well that may depend on the husband as well. Is he quick to anger? Does he get irritated easily? Does he look for every fault in his wife? Or is he patient, loving, merciful, and tender with his wife? The way a husband’s character is and how he treats his wife will also be taken into account with Allah swt. If a wife is defiant or irritable, why? AboutIslam (1) states: ’The husband has to look for the causes of his wife’s wilful defiance and find out the ways in which he can treat her sickness and lead her to the way of guidance and salvation, so that she will be protected from the wrath and punishment of Allaah. These causes may include the husband! Yes, you may be one of the causes of her wilful defiance, either because of sins that you are committing – as one of the salaf said: “I see the effect of my sins in my mount and my wife”, in her bad attitude or refusal to obey him – or the husband may have a bad attitude towards his wife so her behaviour is a reaction against the way he deals with her.”  As we can see, both the husband and the wife need to be aware of their individual weaknesses and work on them. The marriage however acts as a cover and mercy to protect one another.

“The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character. And the best of you are those who are best to their women.” [At-Tirmidhi and authenticated by Al-Albani]

Marriage is A Covering

Marriage was created to be a covering-the wife covering the husband and the husband covering the wife. This means that as humans we have defects, faults, shortcomings. As marriage partners, Allah orders us to cover each others defects and shortcomings. When a husband covers a wife’s spiritual or other shortcomings, it is a blessing for him and a mercy for her. The same goes for the husband who may be deficient. When his wife covers him, he is protected and able to grow. Being harsh, critical, and judgemental with one another is never a path of rigetousness.

“They (your wives) are a clothing (covering) for you and you too are a clothing (covering) for them.” (Surah 2, Verse187)

Not Following the Tenderness and Covering of Marriage

Perhaps there are wives who are harsh, critical, betrayers of their husbands and hence this is where some of these hadiths you are speaking of come from. However, couples following the the designated meaning and true nature of marriage may not have to worry about ramifications.

“Make things easy and convenient and do not make them harsh and difficult. Give cheers and glad tidings and do not create hatred…” (Hadith reported by Bukhari and Muslim)

Our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)

While there are mentions of what repercussions there are for a wife who angers her husband, we also see what our beloved prophet (pbuh) says about the treatment of wives.

’Prophet Muhammad said: “The most perfect in faith amongst believers is he who is best in manners and kindest to his wife.” [Source: Sunnan of Abu Dawud]”

’The prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) ordered his companions never to mistreat their wives. He scolded them and admonished them, saying “How could you treat them like animals in the day and then want to be intimate with them at night.”

’The prophet of Allah, Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, tells us Allah has said, “Before the creation of the universe, I forbid that I would oppress and I hate when anyone oppresses.”

Sister, abuse, mistreatment and oppression are greatly hated by Allah. This goes for any husband who would mistreat his wife. He should also gaurd her honor, her privacy, as well as her weaknesses. Husbands who disclose such are considered ’wicked” upon the day of Judgement.

’A husband should not expose the secrets of his wife. The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: “The wicked among the people in the eye of Allah on the Day of Judgment is the man who goes to his wife and she comes to him, and then he divulges her secret.” (Sahih Muslim.)

Conclusion

Sister, please do not let the hadiths you read scare your from marriage. Marriage with the right person, following the loving guidence of Islam, is a beautiful union which brings one closer to Allah, and helps to make life a blessed journey. While it may seem as if husbands get all the benefits (or worse yet-no accountibility) compared to wives this is not true. Husbands must be aware of their many responsibilities in marriage as well as the careful and loving treatment of their wives.

If one choses a husband who strives to have the loving and merciful qualities as our prophet Muhammad (PBUH), one is truly blessed!  Lastly sister, we are reminded that ’we must always remember that the firm and definite texts in Islam are limited to the Quran and a few dozen traditions; others are isolated, and they cannot be used to prove tenets of faith or Aqidah.” (AboutIslam, 2). We wish you the best.

Question 4

I have been married for 6 years.  الحمد الله my husband is Egyptian.  We live in England. I have been a Muslim for 5 years الحمد الله  When my husband and I met, I was already attending Islam school, studying religion.  سبحان الله that we met by accident on the bus.  It was the will of Allah.  الله اكبر  I  moved to him after 1 year. 

Our wedding was short and strange, I didn’t understand, no one was there, he didn’t t want to party, said the important that in from of Allah we are married the rest doesn’t matter.  As a new Muslim, I thought it must be good, but …  I didn’t even know his family, he said his mom would not accepting a European wife, so be patient, he will introduce me at the right time. He  said he was divorced several years ago and has 2 big sons. I didn’t talk to them or to his sisters.

I always said flies sabr because Allah loves them the most. Well, last December it’s fined out he is married with not 2 but 3 children and of course his wife doesn’t know he has 2. wives. And then here comes my question.  He claims he didn’t say it because he was afraid I wouldn’t accept it as a new Muslim to understand this more married thing.  He didn’t want to lose me….  If we look strictly at religion he had no obligation to tell me he is married. I don’t know exactly what the 1st wife should know about it, he and his Egyptian friends keep saying it doesn’t.  I do not know Allah’s know the best. 

Now I don’t know what to do.  I believe in the sacred bond of marriage and that a wife must stay with her husband in all situations, but the problem is now he doesn’t want to tell his wife the true and will never leave them. Which, of course, I understand and respect in him, but I simply cannot accept that.  (Not the 2nd wife role, as he is here with me for 11 months and 1 month in Egypt with them. And he doesn’t really like his wife, she knows that.) But for me, living this lie doesn’t work. 

Do I have to deal with this that he is lying to his wife, and how to deal with it Islamically? I feel I have lost trust in him, and although I have ashed a sheikh about this issue who said it was ok that my husband had not told his first wife about our marriage, I do not feel this is right. Islam is fair but this is unfair. What do you think about this from a psychological viewpoint?

As salamu alaikum sister,

Shukran or writing to our Live Session. First of all congratulations on accepting Islam and becoming Muslim. Even though it is been 5 years there is always so much to learn and assimilate! Becoming Muslim is the biggest blessing in your life. In addition to becoming Muslim, you also got married recently. You stated that you met your husband when you were attending Islamic school studying religion. You feel that it was the will of Allah. After a year you moved to where he lives and you had a very short wedding that you described as strange.

Strange Wedding/Nikkah

You reported that there was nobody there at your wedding!  There was not even a walima (wedding party) either, you found that odd and understandably so. I can imagine sister that you were very confused, yet you retained faith and praticed sabir, still trusting in your husband’s integrity and Islamic principles.

Validity of Marriage

If no one was at your wedding sister, it may not be a valid marriage. This is a very inportant point because if it is not valid, you may be living in sin. According to Sheikh Ahmad Kutty (5) in order for a marriage to be vaid it must have the minimum conditions:

’1. The consent of the guardian of the woman,  2. presence of witnesses,  3. offering and acceptance, and 4. mahr (dower). ’Furthermore, scholars are also in general agreement to the fact that marriages should not remain a secret affair; rather they should be publicized.” (AboutIslam, 3)

“Announce the marriage, make it in the masjid, and play the duff [to announce it].” (1089, Vol. 2, At-Tirmidhi). ’

According to AboutIslam (4) ’The marriage ceremony, without which there is no marriage, is, by definition, a public announcement. That is why it is required to have at least two witnesses in addition to the person who performs the religious ceremony. The witnesses are members of the community who can tell the other members of the community that the two are married so that their relationship is not viewed as unlawful.”  As you can see, making your marriage public knowledge is generally viewed as a condition of a valid marriage. It also serves as a protection for you from public gossip, rumors, and speculations. Making your marriage public knowledge also honors you as a woman, wife, and Muslim.

Ghost Family

Additionally, you unfortunately you did not even get to meet his family because he stated his mother would not accept a European wife. That may have also set up a red flag in your mind because how could you ever be part of his family if you are already being rejected and will never meet them?

Husband Lied Stating he was Previously Married and had Children

Your husband also stated he was divorced with sons who are older.Unfortunately you later found out that he was married and that his wife did not know he had married you.

Betrayed

I am sure you felt very betrayed, shocked, and hurt that he was not honest with you regarding his marital status. Marriage is a very serious commitment and a sacred union. You should have been given the opportunity to decide whether or not you wanted to participate in a polygamous marriage. Even though he was not required to ask his wife’s permission, he does need to let his wife know as well as others in the community because marriage is not to be kept a secret, that is haram. As polygamy is allowed in Islam with conditions, there should be no reason why your husband would lie about this.

Lying

Sister, lying is a sin and in secret marriages lying occurs to cover up a hidden relationship/marriage. Do you really want to partake in lying? Do you want to be married to one who is a liar? Additionally, if your husband has lied to his first wife as well as you regarding his marital status, what else is he lying about? Do you trust him? Given this, is your marriage built upon Islamic foundations and principes? Is it pleasing to Allah swt?

“The signs of a hypocrite are three: Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie; and whenever he promises, he breaks his promise; and whenever he is entrusted, he betrays (proves to be dishonest).” Sahih Al-Bukhari – Book 73 Hadith 117.

“Truth leads one to Paradise and virtue leads one to Paradise and the person tells the truth until he is recorded as truthful, and lie leads to obscenity and obscenity leads to Hell, and the person tells a lie until he is recorded as a liar.” Sahih Muslim – Book 32 Hadith 6307.

Decisions to Make

Sister, I kindly advise that you think very seriously about this marriage and if you want to continue in it. You may wish to further study your rights, the validity and foundations of marriage in order to make your decision. In any event, if you chose to stay married to him, you may wish to uphold Islamic values and insist that as part of your marriage-your husband dislose to his wife and also make it public. I am sure you do not want to be kept a secret nor do you want to be a liar-caught up in a web of untruths. Allah dests this. If he does agree, you may want to take marriage classes/counseling moving forward.

Marriage Counseling/Classes

Sister, perhaps to learn further of your rights as a wife as well as the actual validity of your ’secret” marriage, perhaps you (and your husband) may wish to take marriage classes. Often times couples do participate in pre-marital classes (or marriage classes) post nikkah to be beter prepared for marriage, to increase their knowledge of rights within a marriage, as well as learn how to deal with marital conflict in an Islamic way. Insha’Allah you would consider this as a means towards resolving your uncertainty regarding your husbands nia.

If Husband Refuses to Be Honest

Sister, if your husband refuses to disclose the marriage, refuses to protect your honor, and refuses to end his lying, you may want to consider divorce. The continued lying and deception is a sin and it will not end well. You desreve to be in a happy and valid marriage where you are treated with honor and respect. Importantly, you should be free of those who inhibit your ability to serve Allah in a pure way. We wish you the best.

2. https://aboutislam.net/live-session/shaban-and-pre-ramadan-fiqhi-issues-fatwa-session/

3. https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/family/is-marriage-contract-via-whatsapp-valid/

4. https://aboutislam.net/live-session/lets-smash-the-taboos-counseling-session/like-married-man/

5. https://www.zawaj.com/articles/marriage_in_secret.html