Answer
Short Answer:
- The country in which you live provides you many freedoms at age 18. You should follow all the state laws that do not violate Islamic principles. As for those that involve violation of Allah’s laws, avoid them in totality.
- Basically, there is one underlying principle that you should always keep in mind. The only One whom you have to obey unconditionally, is Allah. This you have to do through emulating the character of Prophet Muhammad.
- Muslim Teenagers who lack wisdom & reason, should avoid making major decisions without consulting trustworthy elders. So, as you grow older and acquire wisdom, you can move towards personal autonomy. Until then, let your parents make major decisions for you, if they are righteous and wise Muslims.
- If they are not, then consult other wise and righteous elders before making decisions. It is also permissible to consult qualified non-Muslims in important matters requiring specialist knowledge.
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Asalaamu alaykum, and thank you for the question.
It is heartening to note, brother, that you are maturing in your thinking. Wondering about this issue at the age of 16 indicates the onset of reason. I pray that Allah grants you the guidance to tread the optimum path in this matter.
The issue you have raised is indeed worth elaborating on. Basically, every teenager should be well-aware of this issue. Especially in Western countries, where reaching age 18 grants many freedoms. Listed below are the aspects that your question raises for consideration:
- For a young adult Muslim, who has the right to make life decisions?
- Which laws and rules should a Muslim obey first, the state’s, or their legal guardians’?
- Do parents have to be submissively obeyed in every matter, big or small?
- What roles do piety, wisdom, Islamic knowledge and mental health play in decision-making?
The age of ‘reasoning’ according to Islam
It is correct, in principle, that when a Muslim passes puberty, they cannot be unilaterally dictated. That is, they become fully accountable to Allah for all their actions, good or bad. They have the autonomy to make certain decisions. And their parents or legal guardians cannot force them to do something against their will.
Nevertheless, we should remember that all teenagers lack life experience. They also often lack wisdom. Hence, it is recommended that they consult elders before making major life decisions. Primarily, they should consult and seek permission from their parents. However, when consulting elders for a decision, 2 things must be kept in mind:
(i) their aqeedah (beliefs), faith, piety and religious practice: how much do they obey Allah in their life?
(ii) their wisdom, specialised knowledge and experience regarding matters.
Ideally, an elder being consulted should have both, righteousness and specialised knowledge of the matter. When one is lacking, their should advice should be taken with a pinch of salt.
Here, I would like to add something very important. If a parent or legal guardian suffers from mental health problems, they should not be allowed to influence one’s decision-making.
The extent of an adult Muslim’s obedience to parents
After the age of reason, Islam does not mandate absolute, unwavering submission and obedience to parents or grandparents. This is not even mandated for the state or ruler in whose dominion one is dwelling.
This kind of submission by an adult Muslim is the right of only Allah and His messenger, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him).
However, among all of creation, a Muslim’s parents have the greatest right to good treatment. This implies that, perchance an adult Muslim cannot obey their parents, they should still treat them most respectfully.
Ideally, as a child becomes a young adult, their parents should taper off control over their affairs. This should happen, ideally as I said, after raising their child upon a strong foundation of Islam. This happens in many Muslim families, all praises to Allah.
When parents are controlling
Nevertheless, many parents have difficulty relinquishing control. There are several factors for this. E.g. psychological, cultural, financial and ego-related issues.
Some lack trust, and fear losing importance in their child’s life. Others want financial control i.e. access to the money the child will eventually earn. Some parents are emotionally and mentally weak, seeking the child’s support.
Additionally, culture plays a major role. Many Muslim families adhere strictly to tribal customs when it comes to social ethos. They live in tightly-knit, exclusive ethnic communities. The fear of “what will our social circle say?” greatly affects their attitude towards their adult child’s choices. This applies more so in matters such as marriage, living arrangements, and career.
An adult Muslim should try to please their parents as much as possible. However, if there is risk of harm, they have the right to make independent personal decisions. As for an adult Muslim male, Islam provides him much autonomy. E.g. it is permissible for him to earn a livelihood and live independently. He can even marry a righteous girl without his parents’ explicit permission. Nevertheless, honoring their preferences carries greater rewards.
So the issue for any Muslim is not just about rights. That is, their own rights and others’ rights upon them. Rather, it is about earning maximum rewards in life. And this mandates pleasing Allah in all of one’s interpersonal relationships.
Which laws to follow?
The country in which you live provides you many freedoms at age 18. You should follow all the state laws that do not violate Islamic principles. As for those that involve violation of Allah’s laws, avoid them in totality.
It was narrated from `Ali that Prophet Muhammad said:
“There is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience to Allah, may He be glorified and exalted.”” [Musnad Ahmad]
Basically, there is one underlying principle that you should always keep in mind. The only One whom you have to obey unconditionally, is Allah. This you have to do through emulating the character of Prophet Muhammad.
Muslims who lack wisdom & reason, should avoid making major decisions without consulting trustworthy elders. So, as you grow older and acquire wisdom, you can move towards personal autonomy. Until then, let your parents make major decisions for you, if they are righteous and wise Muslims.
If they are not, then consult other wise and righteous elders before making decisions. It is also permissible to consult qualified non-Muslims in important matters requiring specialist knowledge.
Conclusion: current action plan
I advise you to follow the steps below:
- Make dua to Allah to grant you wisdom and reason.
- Join an Islamic course to acquire knowledge of the Quran and Sunnah. Read recommended Islamic books.
- Consult your parents about what decisions they will allow you to make right now. Work towards a mutual agreement. Treat them respectfully even if there is conflict.
- Gradually work towards total decision-making autonomy, as your age advances.
I pray that Allah grants you the wisdom to make the best decisions in life, brother. Ameen.
And Allah knows best.
I hope that this answers your question.
Salam. Please stay in touch.
Links consulted:
Man-Made laws not rejected in absolute manner
Parent not entitled to force child to eat certain foods
Limits of obedience to parents
Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links: