I have been having many issues with my mother because I don't have a job. I had one but lost it. She has been abusing me. I told her to stop abusing me emotionally.
She got angry that she would not respond to my salaams, so I gave up talking to her. We were not talking for almost 6 months. When I wasn't provoked, she started cursing me.
Is it OK for me to avoid her even when I move out? I am tired of her.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Trials and tribulations are meant to make you, not break you.
• The only way to escape being a victim is to rationalize and overcome the thoughts that hinder productivity.
• You need to instill in yourself that your mother’s present behavior is not a determinant of your future.
• Sometimes parents are abusive and not understanding when they do not know what is going on in our lives.
• Try talking to her by using I statements. Tell her how you feel about her words.
Assalamu Alaikum dear sister,
I am sorry to hear about your troubles. Everyone in life undergoes troubles and problems, dear sister. You must not be tired of anything you feel right now.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried? (Surah Al- Ankubat: 2)
This verse signifies that Allah will test those who say they believe. Dear sister, if everything goes the way you want it to go, you will feel that this life is perfect.
Yasmin Mogahed said in one of her lectures that to yearn perfection in life is a human quality, but that perfection will only be achieved in heaven. If this life was to be perfect, none of us would yearn for heaven, where perfection beyond our imagination is promised.
Trials and tribulations are meant to make you, not break you.
I am sure that you have heard this saying; what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I am sorry to hear of the internal troubles you are currently undergoing. Rest assured that this a test from Allah. And I firmly believe you can find the solution and get out of it stronger than ever before.
The Prophet SAW said:
“Never a believer is stricken with a discomfort, an illness, an anxiety, a grief or mental worry or even the pricking of a thorn but Allah will expiate his sins on account of his patience”. [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].
We are the slaves of Allah. We have been created to seek happiness, forgiveness, comfort, subsistence, and satisfaction in life from His remembrance. If we seek happiness from anything other than Allah, then we will always, always be disappointed. Because nothing in life is permanent. We must work on making our source of happiness acts of worship, with the intention of being rewarded by Allah alone.
As for your worries, I think they are a result of being emotionally hurt given the negativity you face and the abusive environment you live in. The only way to overcome the constant fear and worry about the future and anything is to realize that is not in your control. What is in your control are your thoughts and your present. You can change your thoughts for the better and work hard in your present for a better future.
You need to divert your mind from everything that surrounds you. Sometimes, when you are not keeping yourself busy, all the negative thoughts multiply, grow, and make it hard to be positive about anything in life.
You need to let your mind free. Read books, watch interesting documentaries, do fun activities, get physically active, converse with positive people, do art, and go on a nature walk.
In addition, the Prophet SAW said, “If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.”
So, make a habit of reading “Astaghfirullah-I seek forgiveness from Allah” at least 100 times daily. [Abu Dawud]
And be never afraid to do good deeds. Allah SWT is all-merciful. In fact, He, SWT, is the epitome of mercy.
The Prophet SAW said, “Allah created a hundred mercies, and He placed one mercy among his creation, they show mercy to one another by it, and there are ninety-nine mercies with Allah.” [Jami at -Tirmidhi]
Therefore, dear sister, do not despair in the mercy from Allah. If He is testing you at this point in life, be sure that He will certainly bless you at another point in life.
Talk to your mother
Dear sister, I know it must be hard being emotionally abused by your mother. But imagine a day without her. What if she was to return to Allah SWT? Would that make you happy? Can you live without her?
I know her words must hurt, but sometimes parents do not know how to communicate, how they feel, and they sometimes, knowingly and unknowingly, hurt their children, not realizing that their children have nowhere to go.
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Unfortunately, most often this is the reason many children grow into teens who are victims of depression and anxiety. However, the only way to escape being a victim is to rationalize and overcome the thoughts that hinder productivity.
You need to instill in yourself that your mother’s present behavior is not a determinant of your future. I know it is easier to say than done. However, as an educated young woman trying to work hard to achieve goals, you need to focus your energy towards what is important.
Whenever her words bring back feelings of sadness or simply even when her words echo in your mind, cancel them with your ambitions and the work that must be done.
Dear sister, sometimes, rational people will need to make amends if they are bothered by someone’s behavior. Even if it is the parents.
Many children will not take their parents’ insults to heart; however, you seem to be emotionally wound. I think you will only be happy if you talk to her and let her see your side of the struggle.
I plead you to amend the crack in the relationship between you and your mother. Although you may need to take the first step.
Dear sister, forgiving and letting go is very important for our mental. When we forgive, but not let go, it is very hard for us to concentrate and feel happiness towards any part of our lives. We need to realize that an abusive behavior towards us has the potential to cause too much damage if we dwell on it.
We can also potentially rationalize someone’s irrational behavior for our benefit. For example, we can think that she is being abusive because she wants you to take her abuse and work harder. She is not seeing the damage. Because you are not talking to her, she is feeling as though you are not in need of her. She misses you dearly. I can feel that you miss her too, otherwise, you would not have asked for advice.
Let her become part of your life
Dear sister, sometimes parents are abusive and not understanding when they do not know what is going on in our lives. They have always been part of it. Now, when we are transitioning to adulthood, they feel that if they are not telling us what to do, we will not do it.
Little do they know that we are overstressed and overwhelmed ourselves. Let them know about your plans. They will not be expressing anger and abuse when they know that you are working hard.
I pray that the problems between you and your mom will be resolved soon and that you two will find peace and happiness in each other’s company.
Salam,
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