Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It is not uncommon for children of this age to have problems like this, however, it is very distressing the parents to see their children behave in such ways and it is important to try and stop such behaviour before it gets worse.

There is almost always some underlying reason as to why children behave poorly so the first step is to try and identify why she is being like this. You might begin by simply observing her behaviour to try and notice any patterns. Is it always at a certain time? With certain people present? In a certain place? On the other hand, are there also certain times, places and people that seem to evoke a gentle and calm response in her? Having this information will make it easier for you to work with her to overcome her difficulties.

For example, if she is having a problem with a particular person that is causing her loud outbursts then you can talk to her to find out why she has a problem with this person and work to resolve issues with them, perhaps by talking with the parents of the other child.

Likewise, if the issue is only occurring at school then you can collaborate with her teachers to get further details about her outbursts. Perhaps she is having a hard time understanding certain subjects at school. You mention that she has difficulties learning so this could likely be an explanation for her behaviour. Often when children are struggling at school they misbehave for a number of reasons, but at this age, it is primarily because they don’t have the skills to express themselves and say that they are having a hard time which leads to low self-esteem and consequent seeming misbehaviour.

Regardless of whether this is the cause of her outbursts considering she is having a hard time learning it is recommended that you talk with her teachers to try and ease the burden for her. Whilst teachers can recognize when a child is having difficulties, it can sometimes go unnoticed.

If you make the teachers aware of her struggles they will be able to adjust the work given to her or explain more clearly to make the tasks more manageable for her level. You may find this alone eases her outbursts, or at least contributes to some improvements as she becomes more comfortable with herself and her environment.  This will create a positive association with the school environment also which will make her happier and more comfortable to attend school in the knowledge that she is being supported and nurtured in her learning.

Aside from observing her, you can try talking to her about what is making her yell. When you do this, approach her calmly and warmly so that she will be more likely to open up to you and feel comfortable to do so. It might take a few attempts to get her to talk, but simply asking gently let’s her know that you are there to support her when she is ready to talk.

It is also important that she knows her behaviour is unacceptable and that there will be consequences. Do give her warnings first and be clear about what is ok and not. Also, talk with her about how others feel about her yelling. For example, ask her how her teachers and friends mousy feel to be shouted at all the time? And how would she feel if they spoke to her like that? You can even ask her how you think her friends’ parents should punish them if they shouted at her the way she does them? This will ensure that she doesn’t feel you are being unjust should you need to reprimand her for her behaviour. Generally, the most effective way to do this is to withdraw privileges for a time. In this time you can encourage her to process her misbehaviour and make amends with anyone she may have wronged or shouted at.

May Allah bless you and your family and guide your daughter to a path of righteousness and make her and her sibling the coolness of your eyes.