As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Brother you wrote to us discussing your deep concerns about your anger issues. As you described, your anger it is very much out of control. It is more like a rage. However, you do recognize this, and you wish to change it.

 

Not a Normal Anger

 

The thing that caught my attention was you said that you felt a twitch inside your head whenever you become angry to this degree. This may be significant in that it is a physical warning which does not always occur when people get angry. Another point which caught my attention is that your sister also has anger issues and when she gets angry she shouts and bangs her head against the wall. You know this is not normal. In fact, she could seriously injure herself.

 

Familial Anger Issues

 

It appears that both you and your sister have great issues with anger. I am not sure if this is a learned behavior because it is so intense and self-damaging. I do wonder if you and your sister were victims of a trauma or abuse. Oftentimes childhood trauma or exposure to violence can cause one to feel anger and rage especially when they get older.

 

This type of anger is very difficult to control, however it is recognizable and it is treatable. As I am not your therapist I cannot say where your anger is coming from. Surely it is not because your nine-year-old brother refuses to do chores, or because he washes his plate incorrectly. This would not cause such intense anger. Angry responses can be a learned behavior that you got from your parents. However, this deep-seated rage you seem to feel is not. Therefore, I am wondering if it is something much deeper that occurred in your past for both you and your sister.

 

Previous Mental Health Issues

 

You did state that you were depressed, had anxiety and that you went to therapy for it. You feel you are doing better now, but the anger is something that you cannot master. I kindly suggest brother that insha’Allah, you go back to therapy and discuss with your therapist your issues with anger. Please do insha’Allah explain to your therapist that it is almost like a rage that you cannot control. Describe the twitch that you feel prior to these periods of intense anger. Discuss your sister’s anger responses. It is advisable that you ask your therapist to follow up with further assessments and treatment regarding this.

 

Insha’Allah brother it would also be beneficial if you could get your sister to go to therapy as well, as she is having the same problems. She is married and therefore her anger issues will cause problems in her marriage. As you are going to be married this is not something that you want to bring into a marriage. Anger and rage will most definitely destroy the foundation of a marriage. Additionally, any children that you may have will be terrified of you, and most likely affected as well. I understand, this is not something that you would want. Lastly, your anger/rage is harming you greatly. You deserve to live a better life with peaceful and joyful feelings.

 

Recommendations

 

It seems that you have tried all the things that I would normally suggest, such as making duaas, counting to 10, staying silent, meditation and so forth. I will further suggest that you try to implement stress reduction techniques at a deeper level. This would include progressive body muscle relaxation techniques 1, removing yourself physically from the situation that is causing you anger such as taking a walk, picking up the Qur’an when you feel anger coming on you, and start reciting Quran. It is very difficult to read the Qur’an and be angry at the same time.

 

Conclusion

 

Please do make Duaa to Allah to help you overcome these intense feelings of anger and rage. Again, your therapist should be able to give you more concrete and direct methods based on your history, as well as future assessments to help reduce these intense feelings. You did indicate that it is a family pattern as your parents used to scream at each other, however the way you described your anger is more like a rage. This may have something to do with an internal hurt, pain, or fear. I do hope that insha’Allah, you go to your therapist to re-address this anger issue as soon as possible. We wish you the best you are in our prayers.

 

1. https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/muscle-relaxation-for-stress-insomnia