Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

At some point, most people struggle with finding and accepting their place both in society, as well as in the home, facing periods of acceptance and denial and just general confusion over what they want whilst also trying to strike a balance that satisfies all parties.

 

It is true that it can be seen that there are some men that do carry this attitude that you speak of that seemingly irritates you, but this is far from common. Being exposed to the media, it is easy to believe that all men are like this and that women can only stay at home having babies and doing house chores and whilst this may be true to some extent, there are a lot more meaningful things that need to be considered amongst this.

 

Firstly, in the west, this traditional role of the woman staying at home is downplayed and women who do choose this route are made to feel shame for this. Of course, Islamically this is the primary role of the wife, but that does not mean that she can’t do other things too, because she can. Being a mother and wife is such a big responsibility and there is a reason why Allah has primarily placed thus role with her.

 

Women are naturally more caring and nurturing creatures so it makes sense that they were given this role over the husband, but that’s also not to say that he should not be involved in house chores and taking care of the children because he should do. He should take a part of this responsibility too. In this day and age, it is also common for the wife to work also, often not out of a desire to, but out of necessity and this is ok too.

 

Do also be aware that the things that may have been falsely represented in the media are not necessarily a representing of true reality. It can often seem that everything is about what is best for the man only and that they get the final say on everything without having to do anything. Often the case is that the men do more than they say, just choose to keep it quiet.

 

Likewise, in the traditional role of going on to work and providing financially for the family, they face a heavy burden that can be very stressful yet they don’t always show that as they are trying to please their wife and family by working hard to ensure all needs are met.

 

It’s easy to feel a little resentful because it seems like as women we have to continually cater to the husband’s needs, but it’s also important to be empathic to what the husbands are facing and the struggles they deal with daily in trying to do everything meet the needs of the wife.

 

Regarding having children, right now you don’t desire to have any and if your husband doesn’t either then it won’t be a problem, but if someday he decides he would like to start a family, things could get difficult between you. As the only person in the marriage who can actually provide this, he would then not be able to have his desire to start a family met, so do try to understand the situation from his perspective, which may be something like the ones you have expressed here, perhaps much the same as him forbidding you from going out to study or work as you would not be able to fulfill your desire to do these things.

 

As much as it is difficult to imagine, many women also report how their feelings change after having a baby when they find a type of love and responsibility that they never anticipated. When a baby is born the natural inclination to love and nurture generally takes over developing feelings that they never anticipated.

 

It is a shame that your husband would not attend marriage counseling as it can be very useful even in times when the troubles are not much. However, that is not to stop you from attending therapy yourself. You’d be surprised at how much even attending marriage therapy on your own can be of great benefit to your marriage.

 

In this space, you would be encouraged to focus on your own part in the marriage and things you can do to improve things. Often we don’t realize how our own behavior is influencing and impacting on our spouse. Therapy encourages you to explore such things and you will likely uncover things that you hadn’t thought about before.

 

These are things that with a mindful reflection of your own behavior and approach to your marriage can serve to improve relations and in sha Allah have a positive influence on your husband and also your marriage overall. Perhaps in time as the bond is strengthened between you, he may agree to come with you.

 

May Allah bring happiness and contentment between you and your husband and may He guide you to success in this life and the next.