as salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran sister for writing to our live session.  I’m so sorry to hear about the issues that you and your husband are having with communication. I’m not sure how long you been married, but sometimes during the first couple of years, couples must get used to different communication methods between each other. People express themselves in different ways as you know. It’s important in a marriage to get to know how your spouse communicates. It is also good to know how you communicate, be aware of your body language, a tone of voice, and the way you project the things you are saying. Often when couples are not aware of their communication styles and the way it affects the recipient, it can cause a lot of problems as you see. Sadly, it appears that neither you nor your husband are communicating effectively.  He is coming across as short-tempered, and bossy sounding and you react defensively possibly getting angry. Yet, sadly, neither of you hear what the other is saying.

 

You stated that your husband has the core belief that you are you are incompetent, and that he feels this way because he feels inferior. You stated that he has not achieved much for his years and that he does not enjoy the place that he works. You feel that he may resent you because you enjoy your job, and you are motivated to do things. You also feel that because of this, he tries to control you and give you orders. When you and your husband are talking you feel that he brings “the worst” out of you because you feel he is judging you.

 

Sister, it seems that there is a lot of miscommunication going on. For instance, did he say that he feels inferior? Or do you just assume that? Sometimes we can project thoughts and feelings into a conversation sister that aren’t how a person feels.  That is why it is important to have an understanding between a married couple.

 

Perhaps he is happy for you. Perhaps he is proud of you, but other issues in the marriage get in the way of him saying this. It could also be, that he does feel inferior. This may cause him to try to exert what little power and control he feels he does have in the marriage. I could see where this would result in clashes.

 

Sister, you cannot control the way he feels; however, you can contribute to building up a healthy marital relationship with positive reinforcement and encouragement. If he does feel inferior, you can help by giving him positive statements, say nice things about him, or his accomplishments.

 

When he says things that are not nice, condescending, or mean, you can control your reaction. Again, you can’t control what he says, but you can control how you react. Instead of debating a topic with him knowing that it gets him upset and it will continue, just end the conversation on a pleasant note. You might want to say “oh honey, I see your point…” Or you may want to just listen. This is not necessarily agreeing with him, but it is showing respect, listening and preventing an argument. I know this is hard to do, but if we just listened sometimes- the person who is making their point will finish their point and that will be it. There will be no response, no feedback, no arguing. In other words, he can’t get the “worst out of you” unless you let him.

 

From what you have written it appears that he dislikes a lot of things that you do. He does not like what you wear, he doesn’t like what you post, he does not like that you empathize with some sisters, he does not like you on social media, he does not like you giving dawah, etc. Sister, I’m wondering how well did you know each other before you married? Did you have a chance to sit down in halal way and discuss your lifestyles, personalities, likes, and dislikes? It appears that both of you are not very compatible at this moment. Harsh words are not healthy for a marriage. Your husband should not be harsh with you. Your husband should not be judgmental. Your husband should be loving, kind, show mercy and guide you in a gentle way. As your husband seems to know about Islam, then he should know how the prophet Mohammad pbuh treated his wives. He was never harsh with them. He didn’t treat them as slaves. Our beloved prophet (pbuh) even sewed his own socks and helped clean the home.

 

On the other hand, as his wife, there are certain expectations of you as well. As wives, we must respect our husbands, consult them and respect their decisions on matters unless they are oppressive or go against Allah.  At the end of your question, you stated: “he is a lovely person”.  I kindly ask you to make a list of his “lovely” qualities and reflect on what attracted you to him.  You may wish to share this with him at some point.  I am sure it will be beneficial.

 

Sister, I kindly encourage you to see if there is marriage counseling at an Islamic center or Masjid near you.  I know you already asked him and he said no, but if it is Islamically based perhaps he will agree.  If he still won’t go, I suggest that you go for ongoing counseling to help deal with the situation.  If there are Islamic marriage or even pre-marriage classes near you, please enroll insha’Allah. These are great classes and can give you a wealth of information, skills and create a deeper understanding of an Islamic marriage.  Content usually includes “rights of each spouse, communication skills, what to do in difficulties, how to grow together in Islam”, etc.  Insha’Allah it will be beneficial. Please see our “marriage” folder (1) for some great articles!

 

It seems that the two of you are coming from not only different perspectives but personality.  You are more outgoing and verbal it seems, wherein he seems more inclusive and keeps conversations to a minimum.  Nothing is wrong with either, however, when clashes begin over differences in expression, an intervention must occur. It may be that he comes from a totally different background than you.  Perhaps his background is very conservative and yours was not.  Perhaps you are used to being independent.  Again, there is nothing wrong with either-but at some point, you both need to find a middle ground to make your marriage work.  It may even take some compromising on both parts.

 

Insha’Allah sister, you both will go for marriage counseling as it is needed.  Perhaps initially he will not go, but maybe after seeing you go, it will encourage him to join you.  Make duaa to Allah, that Allah touches his heart to move in the right direction for the healing of your marriage.  It seems you are willing, insha’llah he will too. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.