as salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand, your parents have presented to you about 20 boys and you do not feel that any of them are compatible with you.  I do not think you are being ungrateful.  It is your choice who you marry, and compatibility is an essential factor when choosing a marriage mate which insha’Allah is for life.  I think you are being wise in knowing what will not work in terms of a marriage.

 

I would kindly suggest however, that insha’Allah you do make a list of the traits and qualities that you are seeking in a marriage partner.  This may help you as you and your parents contemplate potential husbands.  By knowing what it is you are looking for, as opposed to what you do not desire-it will insha’Allah make the search easier. Perhaps by focusing on what it is you are looking for, you will insha’Allah find a compatible spouse.  If you find someone with more qualities that are compatible than not, it may be worth examining further.  Please do remember though sister, no one can be a perfect match.  There is always something we may feel is not a good or compatible point.  If a person has most of the points but is lacking in a few, that may okay if they are not huge ones.  For instance, you meet a boy who you feel has most of the compatible points you are seeking.

 

However, if he does not pray regularly or he doesn’t feel family is that important and you do, then there may be problems.  However, if they are smaller points like choice of food preferences, the way he dresses or a career choice (within reasonable limits) these can be adapted to.  The goal is sister is to choose a few main points from your list that a potential spouse should have.  No one can fulfill any one person’s compatibility needs 100%, but indeed being compatible does require certain commonalities.

 

I would kindly suggest you share your list insha’Allah with your parents.  Also, seek out other venues which are halal for meeting someone. It may be through a mutual friend who knows someone, or someone at an Islamic event catches your eye.  Let your parents know. By being an active seeker in your own marriage choice, you may find you have more successful matches.

 

Insha’Allah once your parents know that you do want to get married and are putting together ideas of how to successfully find a compatible potential spouse insha’Allah, they may not feel so much anxiety.  While I understand the cultural implications dear sister, please do try to focus on the Islamic ones, these are the ones that truly count. Trust in Allah, and make duaa to Allah to guide you to your future spouse.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.