After a long emotional struggle between the two, the girl came to find out that he is actually engaged to another person from his ethnic background. He told her that there was no way he would disobey his parents on that regard. Personally, I do not dispute anything that remotely involves parents, but the guy is 33 years old and claims he still loves her. Doesn't he have a say?
Anyway, he further proclaims Islam states that one should marry among yourselves. I totally go against any form of racial discrimination, yet, from my understanding, when it comes to Islam, I have come across some contradiction. What exactly does Islam encourage when it stated that we should marry amongst ourselves? Does race come into play? Are Arabs held in higher regard than other races?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• There are many challenges in marrying into another ethnicity and culture. Many marriages end tragically due to the inability to overcome the cultural differences that exist. As such, there is often a unique challenge in marrying across ethnic and cultural lines.
• I would advise her that if this man really loves her, he needs to either prove it by marrying her or say goodbye.
As-Salamu `Alaykum,
Dear sister, thank you for your question. Unfortunately, I do not feel qualified to answer your very interesting questions about marrying within one’s own ethnicity as I think that the question should be answered from a fiqh (jurisprudence) perspective by a more qualified individual in Islamic Jurisprudence. Nevertheless, from what I do know, let us remember that Prophet Muhammad (SAW) in his final khutba (sermon) said very clearly:
“All Mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor does a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; in addition, a White has no superiority over a Black nor has a Black any superiority over a White except by piety and good actions.”
From this and many other references, it is clear that anything hinting at a preference for a specific ethnicity in regard to marriage or anything else must only be related to ease and/or custom so as to not overly burden the parties involved. Clearly, the priority in marriage is always piety/God consciousness regardless of the ethnic background of the people involved.
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Prophet Muhammad (SAW), remember, often reminded us to make things easy for each other and do not make things unnecessarily difficult. Being in a mixed marriage with someone of a different ethnicity than my own, I can tell you that there are many challenges in marrying into another ethnicity and culture. Many marriages end tragically due to the inability to overcome the cultural differences that exist. As such, there is often a unique challenge in marrying across ethnic and cultural lines.
So perhaps – and this is only my opinion and should be confirmed through a qualified scholarship – Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was advising us to not bring undue hardship onto ourselves, meaning that people from the same culture and customs might find married life a bit easier.
In reference to the specific circumstances regarding the Arab man and your friend’s sister, I think the important issue here is not the ethnic difference. From a counseling perspective, I cannot help but be very suspicious of a man who proceeds as this man has. It is quite obvious from the way you have described it that this man is interested in having relations with this young woman, and has thrown around the “L” word (love) to get what he wants, which appears to be sex with this young woman. Whether he’s really interested in marrying her is known only to Allah. As such, I feel this young woman should proceed with much caution and do not give into this man’s invitation to engage in sinful premarital relations.
We have to understand that some men will say anything to get women to give into their invitations for sex. I know I am being very blunt in saying this, but it is the unfortunate truth. I have seen it and been around men who think that way. Women have to be wary of this.
In the case of this young woman, I would advise her that if this man really loves her, he needs to either prove it by marrying her or say goodbye. She is a Muslimah, and there is no compromise on this issue. Either he does it according to Islam, through lawful marriage, or there is no chance of them being together. Then she will see what his true intentions are, in sha’ Allah.
Salam,
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