Im a practising muslimah who is married to a practising muslim for 7 months now. Me and my husband are doctors by profession. I left my job before marriage but am going to start my training in the medical field in one or two weeks IA.
The problem is my husband wants me to give the whole of my salary to his father ( and to keep less than a quarter of it for myself). As his father used to do with his salary before our marriage and used to give him a quarter of it. My husband is the eldest son and he has other siblings who are studying in private medical colleges. I know he has obligations to fulfill and I completely understand that. His father is a very strict man and miserly too. He even takes all the earnings from my sister in law. Although he earns quite well himself. I guess he feels like cashing the money he spent on his children for their education.
My husband is a very obedient son and he can’t take a stand for himself. Even now he has to give some portion of his salary to his father instead of buying new furniture for our home. But he can't refuse his father. I was frustrated when my husband told me about giving my almost whole salary to his father.
I am an introverted person and hate confrontations. I just can't do it. I searched for the Islamic perspective and I got to know that I don't have to give a penny to my husband or to my father in law. But I don't know how to talk to my husband.
I’m pregnant Alhmdullilah and I know that it will be hard for me to manage my home, job and pregnancy altogether. When I have the thought that I am not going to keep all my salary, it gives me so much anxiety. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm being selfish and materialistic here , but then it's my money you know. I have asked my friends. I can't talk to my parents about this as they will get emotional.
I want to ask you how to talk to my husband about all of this and should I even talk about it? Or should I understand him and his situation and follow the rules of his family ??? I’m praying to Allah that He changes my father in law’s heart as it seems like injustice is being done to me.
Another thing I would like to mention is that my own father retired a few months ago . And my family is facing financial issues because of the pandemic too. I know it's my duty to help my parents too ( financially) and I want to give money to them too ( will hide it from my husband though). I don't want to ruin my marriage because of this issue as my husband is such a nice person and loves me dearly Alhmdullilah. In need of your counsel. May Allah guide me in this through your counsel.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- It is made very clear in Islam, as you have come to know, that what a woman earns is for her and she is not obliged to give any to her husband. It is her right to keep it all. However, if you wish, you may share, but you must not be forced to.
- Since you have full control of your earnings you are also able to support your parents with the same if you want to and your husband should not stop you from doing this or make you feel bad either.
- This is where it becomes difficult for you because you are torn between just allowing your husband and his family to take your earnings and keeping the peace in the family, or doing what you want with your earnings but potentially causing difficulties with your husband’s family.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
This is a dilemma where your husband is encouraging you to do something against your wishes, but also something that is not part of Islam. It is made very clear in Islam, as you have come to know, that what a woman earns is for her and she is not obliged to give any to her husband. It is her right to keep it all.
However, if you wish, you may share, but you must not be forced to. Since you have full control of your earnings you are also able to support your parents with the same if you want to and your husband should not stop you from doing this or make you feel bad either.
This is where it becomes difficult for you because you are torn between just allowing your husband and his family to take your salary and keeping the peace in the family, or doing what you want with your earnings but potentially causing difficulties with your husband’s family.
Salary
You do mention that you are an introvert and don’t like confrontation. This is something that may happen if you do try to discuss the matter and put your own opinion across. But, sometimes there is a need to be a bit more forthcoming and firmer with what needs to be said. Otherwise, people can knowingly or unknowingly even take advantage of you.
In this case, perhaps you have never made your feelings clear to him. Or, if you have, you may have done so in such a way that he feels that you are not that bothered about it. If you want to see change, it may be that you need to take a different approach in telling him.
Like I said, this approach will certainly get your feelings heard, but could potentially cause some level of conflict so would be an option to consider with extreme caution. However, communication in a relationship is absolutely vital.
You may choose to say nothing to avoid the confrontation but this may lead on to develop feelings of enmity towards him and his family because you have not had the chance have your feelings heard.
Negotiate
Perhaps you might be able to arrive at a negotiable middle ground that satisfies everyone’s needs to some extent. Maybe you could agree that you will share some with his father, but not at much as what he’s asking because you also need some for yourself and your own parents too.
Be firmer if necessary
Perhaps he just needs for you to be firmer in stating your thoughts on the matter; that Islamically you have control over your salary. And, that you would like to decide how you spend it and you are not happy to give so much to his father, especially when you need to support your own parents too.
Now, this approach whilst getting the point across firmly, may come across in a bad way, perhaps even confrontational so comes at a risk. I am by no means saying this is the route you should definitely take, but it’s an option to consider.
Is it worth it?
On the other hand, you have also mentioned that your husband is a good man and you don’t want to lose that. So you will also need to ask yourself if not doing as he wants might cause conflict enough to destroy your relationship with a good man. Or whether to continue doing as he wants will destroy you enough to cause feelings of animosity towards him.
At the same time, you both need to have in mind the rules according to Islam as these are the ones that are better for us than anything else. As a result, we should know that if we adhere to these then this is the best way. The Islamic solution should always prevail over anything because Allah knows best.
It should not make you feel bad to keep the salary to yourself because that is you right. This is something determined by Allah, and He knows best, better than we do. It is your money and your right so you shouldn’t feel bad or materialistic as this is a right Allah had given to you.
Approach him with the support of someone else
If it is that you would like to speak out about the matter but cannot find the courage to yourself, then perhaps you could call upon someone who he respects as knowledgeable to make it clear about your rights and how they should be honoured as much as his own.
Check out this counseling video:
Weigh up your options
It is a tough choice to make; a choice laden with many potential different consequences so do take time to consider them all deeply.
You could just not talk about it and that way there would be no immediate confrontation. However, you then have to chose whether to just give up a large portion of your salary for his father, or not. Either way, there will likely be consequences of some sort.
If you just give the money up without sharing your feelings on the matter you may go on to harbor negative feelings towards your husband and his family and this build up of resentment may eventually show openly in you attitudes towards him or otherwise cause inner conflict in yourself. Otherwise, if you choose not to give him anything but do talk about it then this could cause conflict with your husband getting upset with you not doing what he has asked of you.
Alternatively, perhaps it won’t cause difficulties for you, or your husband will not be bothered by it. Either way, the difficulty with making a decision without discussing with your husband first, is that this causes a breakdown of communication in the relationship which can cause difficulties in itself regardless of the reason behind it.
Feelings can change
Alternatively, maybe you’ll feel different after you have your baby. You may want to take a step back from work for a time. This way you won’t be earning anything so will no longer be in the same dilemma.
However, as did mention that you were very fortunate to get a place on this course and are probably reluctant to give it up for this reason among others. You will need to take this into consideration too.
Summary
Islamically it is your right to keep all of your earnings. However, your dilemma is whether to share your salary with your husbands father as he wants, against your own desires. You have the choice to go ahead and share it as he wishes but to the detriment of your own wants. However, this may lead to some negative feelings in yourself.
Alternatively, you could refuse and possibly cause difficulties between you. You could also negotiate and come to a middle ground, or get the assistance of someone in discussing with him. Whichever choice you make there will be consequences for someone so take some time to consider all your different options and move forward confidently with your choice.
May Allah guide you to make the right choice. And may He grant you a happy marriage that will bring you contentment in this life and the next. May He grant you a safe delivery of you baby and a healthy child who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
Salam,
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