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I No Longer Accept to Be His Secret Wife

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 18, 2019

Question

My husband had an arranged marriage to his cousin when he was 16. They have been divorced several years now with a son together. His parents have not accepted this divorce and have tried to force him to remarry her. She had remained living with his parents even after the iddah and the talaq was finalized. They felt too much ashamed to send her back to Pakistan. So, my husband moved out of his parents’ home for a while. She has now agreed to move in with another uncle. I met my husband last year (I am a revert, with a three-year-old daughter) and we got married without his parents’ consent as they were still very upset about his divorce. In no way did our relationship cause the breakdown of his marriage. They were divorced a number of years before we even met. So, now we have been married for 6 months and it is time for everyone to start to come to terms with our marriage. I am a good Muslim. There are no grounds to reject me Islamically - just culturally. It has been a hard 6 months being a secret from most people and having to be careful where we go and who sees us together. It has at times made me really sad. I’m just wondering what I can do to make it easier for his family to accept me and my daughter, and what to expect? My husband said that if his mother still refused to meet me he would take my daughter to the family Eid celebration in June. (She adores him. She calls him daddy and follows him everywhere like a puppy). It is very hard. I know that Paradise lies under his mother’s feet, but I am also his wife and he has a responsibility to us. I always encourage him to have a good relationship with his mum, remind him to call her when he is away, buy him flowers to take to her when he goes. I have allowed myself and our daughter to be a secret for many months. Now I am nervous to meet her. Is there any advice you can give me?

Counselor

Answer


I No Longer Accept to Be His Secret Wife

In this counseling answer:

“I would suggest that you both do it in private first, with his parents alone on a casual day. It will be surprising to them but do it slowly so they are able to digest it. It is his parents and he should be gentle and careful so he doesn’t come across as a rude and disobedient son. You both have taken a big step to get married without them knowing anything, and now you should know the consequences of it.”


As-Salam ‘Aleikom Sister,

I appreciate that you are writing to us and asking for advice. I will try my best to help you, inshAllah.

I can understand that you are not happy about keeping such an important relationship secret from everyone. It can be very hard to live like this when you are supposed to live comfortable with your spouse.

Every married woman needs a husband whom she can openly go out with and whom she does not need to be afraid to be seen with. You are a strong woman who has managed to keep your marriage as a secret for 6 whole months, but you should not have to do that.

Yes, you are right; there is no reason for his parents to reject you Islamically. If they have any issues accepting you, it will be because of their family values and culturally. It is obvious that his parents will find it hard to accept you as he married you without their consent and also because you are not Pakistani. This will take time for them to digest, especially when they are unhappy about his divorce with his cousin.

In a Pakistani culture, it is not seen as “acceptable” to marry someone who is not Pakistani. Your husband has taken a big step to marry you and love your daughter as his own. You should show some patience and give things some time. You should be prepared for his parents do not accept you for some time yet, as this will come as a shock to them and they will not be very happy about the whole situation.

Maybe Eid day is not the ideal time to meet his parents as everyone will be gathered together. To reveal such a big secret in front of so many people can be overwhelming for his parents.

I would suggest that you both do it in private first, with his parents alone on a casual day. It will be surprising to them but do it slowly so they are able to digest it. It is his parents and he should be gentle and careful so he doesn’t come across as a rude and disobedient son. You both have taken a big step to get married without them knowing anything, and now you should know the consequences of it.


Check out this counseling video:


Do not push and force your husband to meet his parents. Give him some time to get mentally prepared to face his parents.

It is good that you encourage him to be nice and kind to his mother. It is very kind of you to do so. Remember, his mother loves him more than anyone in this world. Sooner or later when she sees her son happy with you, she will be happy too. No mother wants to see her child unhappy.

Stand by his side and support him through this hard time. You should be happy that he loves you and your daughter and that he is standing by your side as a good and loving husband. With patience, things will get better, inshAllah. Trust in Allah.

Patience has a great status in Islam and you will surely get rewarded for it because Allah loves those who show patience in a time of difficulty.

Pray to Allah and ask him for guidance. He is the one who will help you and show you the right path.

Allah says:

‘’Surely, Allah is with those who are As-Saabiroon (the patient)’’, (Quran, 8:46)

I know things might seem hard now, but remember, things will be ok. Good and bad times come in everyone’s life, and after hard times you see good times. As it is mentioned in the Quran:

‘’Verily, with every hardship there is ease’’. (Quran, 94:6)

Your marriage will not be a secret forever. Sooner or later his parents will find out.

Try focusing on your marriage and making a strong and good bond with your husband. It has only been 6 months. It takes time to know each other.

His family is as important as you to him, and he has disappointed them by divorcing before. So now, it will need some more strength to tell his parents about this as well.

In difficult times like this, the husband and wife should stand together and be supportive of each other. I know you are nervous to meet his mother, and it will not be easy to do so, but as long as he is by your side you have nothing to lose. Stay strong together, as you both need each other now. Be kind and nice to his mother regardless of how she reacts when she sees you.

May Allah ease your tension and make it easier for you and your family.

Ameen.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: [email protected]

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