In this counseling answer:
“I would suggest that you both do it in private first, with his parents alone on a casual day. It will be surprising to them but do it slowly so they are able to digest it. It is his parents and he should be gentle and careful so he doesn’t come across as a rude and disobedient son. You both have taken a big step to get married without them knowing anything, and now you should know the consequences of it.”
As-Salam ‘Aleikom Sister,
I appreciate that you are writing to us and asking for advice. I will try my best to help you, inshAllah.
I can understand that you are not happy about keeping such an important relationship secret from everyone. It can be very hard to live like this when you are supposed to live comfortable with your spouse.
Every married woman needs a husband whom she can openly go out with and whom she does not need to be afraid to be seen with. You are a strong woman who has managed to keep your marriage as a secret for 6 whole months, but you should not have to do that.
Yes, you are right; there is no reason for his parents to reject you Islamically. If they have any issues accepting you, it will be because of their family values and culturally. It is obvious that his parents will find it hard to accept you as he married you without their consent and also because you are not Pakistani. This will take time for them to digest, especially when they are unhappy about his divorce with his cousin.
In a Pakistani culture, it is not seen as “acceptable” to marry someone who is not Pakistani. Your husband has taken a big step to marry you and love your daughter as his own. You should show some patience and give things some time. You should be prepared for his parents do not accept you for some time yet, as this will come as a shock to them and they will not be very happy about the whole situation.
Maybe Eid day is not the ideal time to meet his parents as everyone will be gathered together. To reveal such a big secret in front of so many people can be overwhelming for his parents.
I would suggest that you both do it in private first, with his parents alone on a casual day. It will be surprising to them but do it slowly so they are able to digest it. It is his parents and he should be gentle and careful so he doesn’t come across as a rude and disobedient son. You both have taken a big step to get married without them knowing anything, and now you should know the consequences of it.
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Do not push and force your husband to meet his parents. Give him some time to get mentally prepared to face his parents.
It is good that you encourage him to be nice and kind to his mother. It is very kind of you to do so. Remember, his mother loves him more than anyone in this world. Sooner or later when she sees her son happy with you, she will be happy too. No mother wants to see her child unhappy.
Stand by his side and support him through this hard time. You should be happy that he loves you and your daughter and that he is standing by your side as a good and loving husband. With patience, things will get better, inshAllah. Trust in Allah.
Patience has a great status in Islam and you will surely get rewarded for it because Allah loves those who show patience in a time of difficulty.
Pray to Allah and ask him for guidance. He is the one who will help you and show you the right path.
‘’Surely, Allah is with those who are As-Saabiroon (the patient)’’, (Quran, 8:46)
I know things might seem hard now, but remember, things will be ok. Good and bad times come in everyone’s life, and after hard times you see good times. As it is mentioned in the Quran:
‘’Verily, with every hardship there is ease’’. (Quran, 94:6)
Your marriage will not be a secret forever. Sooner or later his parents will find out.
Try focusing on your marriage and making a strong and good bond with your husband. It has only been 6 months. It takes time to know each other.
His family is as important as you to him, and he has disappointed them by divorcing before. So now, it will need some more strength to tell his parents about this as well.
In difficult times like this, the husband and wife should stand together and be supportive of each other. I know you are nervous to meet his mother, and it will not be easy to do so, but as long as he is by your side you have nothing to lose. Stay strong together, as you both need each other now. Be kind and nice to his mother regardless of how she reacts when she sees you.
May Allah ease your tension and make it easier for you and your family.
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