Ads by Muslim Ad Network

10 Tips for Revert Brothers Seeking Marriage

When it comes to marriage, reverts face many social stigmas that make it a very daunting dream.  Making the dream a reality involves overcoming weaknesses, and improving oneself, all while overcoming cultural norms.

It can be a balancing act, and without guidance and direction, it can seem nearly impossible for revert brothers.

Most reverts face a lot of pressure to get married. First they have problems with community acceptance as an outsider, no Muslim family to support them, and usually face racism and discrimination for a number of different reasons.

Some often feel depressed and lonely, as hopelessness enters their hearts, and sometimes they are led to believe that there is no chance to get married to a Muslimah.  This sometimes leads some revert brothers to seek out non-Muslims for marriage, or leave Islam altogether out of hopelessness.

The following ten tips are to make it easier for our brothers to gain hope, and make goals, and achieve them insha-Allah. Doing your best and following these tips will increase your chances of finding your ideal bride to be.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

1. Improve Upon Your Deen – You Must Be Strong

{…women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity…} (An-Nur 24: 26)

Revert brothers face a huge stigma when it comes to their knowledge of the deen.

It is a legitimate concern for parents of a Muslim woman to ensure that their daughter marries a very pious, honest, respectable man. It is the biggest hurdle for a revert brother because if he is weak in his faith, he may resort to his non-Muslim lifestyle, or even worse leave Islam entirely. If a man leaves Islam, his wife would have to divorce, and no one wants to fear the possibility of divorce due to this reason.

Learn your deen extensively and become a strong pious Muslim before seeking marriage. You must show that you are strong in faith, and adhere to all Islamic teachings to gain the trust of a woman and her family.

2. Strive to Attain a Good Education and Career to Support a Family

A major difference between most Western and Muslim societies is that university education is often free; thus making most men having a degree very common.

In Western societies, one must spend a fortune usually to attain a university degree. As a result, the woman or her family will seek a man with a university education, and if he doesn’t have one, they may seek someone else. They want to ensure that the man can provide a good living to support a family. So, do your best to get some sort of higher education to have a career that can maintain a family life without struggles.

3. Learn About the Spousal Responsibilities – Be Willing to Accept

Islam holds both the husband and wife to many roles and responsibilities in an Islamic marriage. Both have rights upon the other. Western cultures tend to not fit this mold, so you must learn about and accept what is expected of you as a husband.

The feminist movement in the West has reversed many roles in western society.  This does not imply that Islamic societies don’t give women rights, but obligations are set forth upon the men to be the sole supporter of the household.

A husband shouldn’t expect or plan for his wife to also need to work to support the family before getting married. The wife can opt to do this if she chooses, but it shouldn’t be expected. This is an important matter to discuss before getting married.

Some women may feel they don’t want to be expected or needed to work, and prefer to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, and if you marry and discover this afterwards, it can put a strain on the marriage. It is very well known that a majority of marriages fall apart due to financial difficulties in both Muslim and non-Muslim societies.

If you are not in a position to do this, it is recommended to wait until you are stable enough to do so. It will make the start of the marriage go more smoothly.

4. Start Saving Before Seeking Marriage

Most Muslim societies have a very strong family support system that is different from western norms. This doesn’t mean that western societies don’t have strong family ties, but there are differences.

The biggest difference is that in most Muslim societies, the children remain living at home until they marry, even if they are 40 years old. The families support them until they marry. This allows the son to work and save money to put towards purchasing a home, car, and preparing for a dowry (mahr), and a marriage celebration when he gets married. It gives him time to prepare for his future and ability to save a lot of money.

In western societies, it is all too common for the children to move out of their family home between 18-21 years of age, and must support themselves 100%. This makes it harder for a westerner to save money towards bettering their future. So, it is best advised to get your education, and find a stable job and save some money before seeking to marry to improve your chances of finding a wife and getting acceptance from her family.

5. Avoid Those Who Seek Division of Nationalities & Cultures

Sadly, racism and nationalism is still deeply embedded into the minds of people all around the world. You may encounter families that insist their daughters marry a cousin, or a neighbor they grew up with. Many families hold onto their nationalism with an iron fist, and refuse to allow their daughters to marry an outsider. There are also many that favor a lighter skinned person over dark skinned due to cultural stereotypes. (49: 13)

You can’t change your skin color or your nationality, so there isn’t really much a person can do about this other than educating the ignorant to rid them of this social disease.

If you find that a woman or her family hold such enmity within themselves on skin color or nationalism, it is best to just avoid them, and say “Alhamdulillah” that you discovered it before getting married. Do you really want in-laws like that anyway?

Read Part 2.

About Shannon Abulnasr
Shannon Abulnasr: An American convert sister who accepted Islam in 2006, and since has dedicated her efforts as an advocate supporting new Muslims after their shahadah. You can read her reversion story here and visit her website created for new Muslims and non-Muslims.