Akande explained that there are levels of intimacy in relationships.
“It’s difficult to say how frequently these relationships are sexual without statistical data.
Some of these ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ relationships are not sexual but may involve intimate conversations and foreplay without actual intercourse.
Some relationships will involve oral stimulation as it is not considered to be full blown sex.
Others will include anal penetration but not vaginal penetration in order to preserve the woman’s chastity.”
Across Muslim cultures, young people need help to sift through messaging and notions of what makes an interaction sexual as well as what may be considered halal/haram, making frank conversations necessary in families and communities.
When A Partner Wants Sex
In some relationships, the partner seeks to introduce sex into a romantic relationship. Without grounding conversations in a practical Islamic context, many Muslims struggle with a myriad of emotions.
“It is natural to have a mix of feelings when approached by a partner to have sex,” said Mohajir. “These feelings can range from love and excitement to fear and anxiety.
It is natural to feel flattered that someone is asking you to have sex. It is equally as natural to desire it with them as well.
It is also natural to feel fear or anxiety – especially if you have not engaged in it before, do not think you are ready or are feeling coerced or pressured.
“It depends on their attitudes to sex and their relationship,” said Akande. “Some Muslims may be frightened, others may be excited, others may be wary. It varies from one person to the next.”
The first sexual encounter may generate especially-conflicting feelings.
“Those who have not engaged in any sexual activities before, may feel scared and nervous,” explained Akande.
“There are cases of women who feel pressured to engage in such acts to please their male partner, though they may not be comfortable with making their relationship sexual. And there are also cases where the woman initiates sex when the man may not be comfortable with this.”
Understanding consent becomes very important. People should expect partners to respect any hesitations and not apply additional pressures, which adversely affects consent. Sameera Qureshi explains the basics of consent in the video clip below.
Considerations
Akande encourages anyone considering a sexual relationship with a partner to think about spiritual and physical impact.
“Think about the consequences and potential repercussions in this world and the next.
“For this world, one may think of unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections (STDs), shame, or the fact that your partner may leave you, once he gets what he wants.
“In this next world, one should think of facing the Creator and the punishments which may come with this.”
Moahjir provided a detailed list.
Deciding to have sex can be a big decision. Some things people consider when deciding to have sex are:
- communication: can you talk with your partner about boundaries, what feels good and what doesn’t, contraception, and sexual history,
- contraception: it is your right to use contraception to prevent pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections. in fact, if your partner removes a condom without your knowledge during sex it is considered a form of sexual assault called stealthing,
- commitment some people consider sex as an important milestone in a relationship often marked by a long-term commitment, such as being exclusive to each other, or engagement, or marriage,
- consent: have you given enthusiastic and clear consent to every sexual activity you are engaging in? Being forced into sexual activity against your will or without your clear consent can be considered sexual assault.
Islam teaches us that marriage is the finest, purest and permissible relationship that should exist between a male and female. It should be the goal that they both have in mind.
There is no room in Islam for illicit affairs or the concept of boyfriend and girlfriend.
All those stories of media and movies are not helpful to make a person comply with the teachings of Islam.
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