Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Jinn Possesion?

Asalam u alaykum,

I am a 19-year-old girl who was in a haram relationship with a Muslim boy also 19, for over a year. We were very close and eventually the boy proposed. Despite this, I suspected something was wrong with relationship itself and in terms of Islam. 6 months ago, I decided to end the relationship and completely blocked off contact with him even though he was not ready and did not want to end the relationship.

After blocking off interaction with him, I started feeling very ill and struggled with sleeping. I thought this was a normal response after the breakup, however, I felt that a jinn was attacking me during my sleep. I was also consistently having intimate thoughts about this boy which were out of my control.

I discussed this matter with a spiritual guide/ imam who confirmed that this boy has done and is still doing shir on me so that I can become bothered. He is doing shir so that I can contact him again for marriage. The imam is currently treating me.

Currently, I am struggling a lot mentally and physically. I am finding it hard to avoid reaching out to this boy again with constant thoughts. I am trying to stay firm for Allah but it is as if I am at war with my nafs. I am also undergoing cognitive therapy and do have some support from family and friends. But I am feeling very depressed and stressed out. I was also feeling suicidal a couple of months ago.

I would love for any advice and support on this matter.

Keep me in your duas and Jazakallah.

Answer:

Salam Aleikom sister,

Thank you for reaching out for help.

I am very glad to read that you have been working with both an imam and a cognitive therapist on your problem. That is a good approach, may Allah release your feelings of depression and stress, and heal you from your suicidal thoughts.

Suicidal Thoughts

First, as you mentioned suicidal thoughts, I must say that if any time you feel like acting on these thoughts, please call the suicidal hotline in your country. They will be great assist to you inshallah. Suicidal thoughts are often normal after experiencing a trauma. And a breakup can be a trauma. Usually, they disappear once the person successfully stabilized his or her emotions and find more healthy solutions to the problem. However, if your feelings are too strong, please contact the hotline without hesitation!

Therapy

You are enrolled in therapy, yet you wrote us about your problem. This makes me assume that you are not fully satisfied with the results you have achieved so far with these two professionals.

I am not sure for how long you have been working with these helpers, but if you feel your meetings usually bring you a bit closer to the solution and eventual relief, then I would surely encourage you to give them a couple of months. Sometimes, therapy takes even years, but I would say after half year, if you meet these therapists on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, you should feel a strong change in your mood to the positive. If not, I would seek help from another therapist. This can happen, as not everyone is able to assist everyone. Yet, surely, therapy face to face is one of the most powerful tools to gain understanding about the reasons you cannot feel peace after breaking up with this man.

Magic

There is a possibility of magic or evil eye or jinn, but I am not an Islamic scholar; therefore, I cannot really decide or advice you in this case, except to stay close to Allah as He is the only one who can heal you and protect you from the evil. These forces are only whispering and playing with our fears, but they are very weak. They cannot harm us. If you say the morning and night duas, remember Allah often, make sure you follow the commands of Allah, and asking Him to protect you, inshallah you are on the safe side and these are just whispers of the Satan. Hamdulillah, you are working with an imam as well, so surely he can help you with this more if you are indeed a victim of magic.

Zina

You wrote that you were in a haram relationship with him – may Allah forgive you both. As you know, it is a major sin in case sexual affair has occurred.

“And those who invoke not any other god along with Allah, nor kill such life as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; except those who repent and believe and do righteous deeds, for those Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [al-Furqan 25:68-70]

Please do not despair! Sister, if you haven’t done, please repent Allah for this mistake. Maybe your case now, all these emotional roller coaster, is the consequence of zina. Maybe Allah has given you these sicknesses of depression and anxious thoughts as a way to purify you from your sins. Allah knows best. In any case, repent and increase your good deeds that further purify this sin. And remember, sinning is part of the human experience. We all sin.

Stabilize your emotions; shift your focus

I am sure you have discussed a lot with your therapist about possible reasons and solutions. What I would suggest you is that you practice techniques that help you stay in the present and help you stop overthinking and getting overstimulated by your thoughts. These techniques are, for example, a simple breathing technique. Breathe in while counting till 4, then hold your breath for 4, and then breathe out for four. Repeat it a couple of times. This calms down your nervous system and thus your emotions.

In addition, sport, physical activity, being in the nature are also great techniques that help us stabilize our emotions and feel better. Try engaging in them at least 2-3 times a week, even if you are in your depressive mood when you do not feel like exercising or going out for a walk. They will affect your nervous system in a supportive way, that will inshallah eventually reduce your feelings of depression.

Quality relationships are another important support element. Please sister, meet and talk more with friends and family whom you enjoy being with, who you can have fun with.

Further Tips

Also, shift your focus purposefully. When negative thoughts and feelings come, stop them (maybe even imagine a stop sign), and start instead absorbing what is going on around you at that moment. Use your senses: what you see, what you hear, what you smell? This will help you calm down and channel your negative thoughts.

Engage yourself in tasks that matter for you. Occupy yourself with getting closer to Allah, fulfilling your aims and dreams.

Inshallah, after your prayers, always turn to Allah. Make dua that He heals you, and makes things easy for you.

I hope I was able to give you some support. May Allah strengthen you, and bring you the man who will fulfill your life.

Amen,

Question 2 Family problem

Assalamualaikum, I live in a very dysfunctional family. Except my father, I can’t relate to anyone. I feel like I hate every single one of the family. My mother is not supportive at all. She sometimes blames of things that I am not responsible for. She doesn’t care about me at all. I am a patient of depression. But she did not give a damn when I was very much sick. My parents quarrel about every single matter. They are not compitible at all. I can’t breathe when they quarrel. It gives me anxiety attacks. In our locality, there is no library or someplace like this where I can go and have some peace. I am tired of living like this. Please help me by answering how can I cope with such a difficult family

Answer:

Salam Aleikom dear sister,

I am sorry to read about your circumstances at home. May Allah make peace and happiness in your house.

Unfortunately, what you tell about is a usual phenomenon in many households: parents quarrel, they do not support their children as much as the children would need to, due to work, personal issues, family pressure.

Indeed, there is no perfect family. All of us suffer from some kind of traumas in one way or another. It is part the challenges of life.

No one is perfect

What might be important to know is that there is always a reason for one’s behavior. I do not intend to defend any wrongdoing, simply what I want to say is that your parents and family members are also human beings. As much as they do not intend to hurt you or anyone, they wish to love instead, but they will fail to do this in some way or another. They also come from a certain background filled with many hurt and injustice they experienced that influences their current behavior. So consider these, when you look at them. They are also humans even if in the eyes of children they often appear like superheroes.

Our teachers in life

For children, parents – as being the first caregivers – are the primary role models in life. However, oftentimes we do not get from them what we need due to many possible reasons as said before. We need to accept these realities while looking for other role models whom are able to give us what we need.

You mentioned your mother is not supportive. First, of course you can talk to her when you find her in her good mood, and talk honestly about your feelings and hurt. Maybe she is not aware of your needs, because she makes herself stressed out and busy that she does not properly focus on you and your needs, unfortunately.

While I would love to talk to her as well and hear her side of the story, I would say, if you find your mother is still unable to give you the support you need at this time, you look for other people who can. Be grateful for your mom for what she has done to you (I am sure you can find many times when she actually did support you), but accept that you cannot change people – you can only change yourself, your attitude and way of thinking how you perceive situations.

You mentioned you have a good relationship with your father Alhamdulillah. Be thankful for this, and maybe then turn to him in times of need. Or you have grandparents or aunties or friends or teachers. Many times teachers take the role of parents in their students’ life, especially when it comes to academic support. I know many stories of children who suffered from domestic violence at home, but created a strong bond with one of their teachers who supported them. Find people you can talk to.

Find Support Elsewhere

Find these people you feel good to be with. Inshallah this is one of the cures for your depression too. (Although I hope you go to therapy as well or take antidepressants in case your depression is severe.)

Do things that usually make you happy and give you energy, and stick to doing them even when you do not feel like due to your depression. Chose something that needs some kind of concentration so that you teach yourself to shift your focus from negative thoughts to something productive. Do a sport you like, hug trees in the park, hear the birds singing, smell the flowers and connect with the nature as well. These are all very important elements of your treatment, inshallah.

I also highly recommend self-awareness courses. The more you know about human behavior, the triggers we have, how our past affect us, and how we all live in different, subjective realities, the more you are able to accept that life is by nature imperfect and unjust. It is a test, as Allah says in the Quran. Our task is to learn to stay calm, happy and grateful in all circumstances and always work on our main goal: to worship Allah.  

Alhamdulillah, as Muslims, we have a very powerful tool for all calamities and stress in life: the support of the Almighty and His guidance toward a successful life. So, I highly recommend also that you continuously strengthen your relationship with Allah. Stay after prayer and make due to Him. Open up and talk to Him like you talk to your best friend, someone you fully trust, someone who has the power to help you through all the difficulties in life. Talk to Him from your heart, He will listen, just keep your heart open for His signs around you to notice.

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Allah says: ‘I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.’ ” (Saheeh Bukhari)

Also, engage with the Quran, listen to tafseer (explanation of the Quran) because it is our guidance for life. Recite it knowing that the Quran is our healer.

I hope I could give you some food for thought. May Allah make things easy for you,

Salam,

Question 3. Marital problem

I’m engaged to a girl who was engaged with someone else for 3 years before me. Her past relationship is haunting me. I wanted a girl to marry me who had no past relationship. It’s affecting my mental health. I can’t sleep well or enjoy my life. I’m always thinking about her past whether she slept with that guy or not and I’m jealous of that guy that he had this girl before me. I wanted to ask that whether I should marry her or not. I’ve trust issues. I’m also afraid of her having extra-marital affairs but she promised me that she’ll be loyal to me and obey me. I don’t want that after marriage also I keep doubting her and I don’t want her past keep haunting me. I want good for both of us. Should I marry her or not? And in future will I be able to trust her fully or not? That’s my question. Please help.

Answer:

Salam Aleikom brother,

Thank you for trusting us with your problems. I ask Allah that I can give you some guidance inshallah you find helpful.

You say you do not trust your fiancé because she had a previous relationship. You are not sure whether she had sex with him or not, but just the thought of it affects you to the extent that you doubt whether you should marry her or not.

Sinning

My first question to you would be: what makes you not trust this lady? Does she do anything currently that makes you doubt her words when she says she will be loyal to you? Because having a past relationship of any kind should not automatically mean that this lady is not trustworthy and will commit disloyalty in the future. Unless it is a sign culturally in your community which I am not aware of.

I am a convert Muslim who lives in Europe and here many people have past relationships. Converts as well as born Muslims who came to Europe, could not resist the temptation of the Western culture, but successfully returned to Islam and repented. Maybe you live in a community where people take past relationships more seriously, as a sign of disloyalty.

Islamically, having any kind of romantic relationship with the opposite sex is considered a sin. However, we all sin, as we are humans.

Abu Ayyub Ansari reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: If you were not to commit sins, Allah would have swept you out of existence and would have replaced you by another people who have committed sin, and then asked forgiveness from Allah, and He would have granted them pardon. (Saheeh Muslim)

So, if she repented to Allah, inshallah she is clear. People, especially young people when hormones are working in high speed, tend to fall into sins such as watching porn, chatting or having some form of romantic relationship with the opposite sex. We are surrounded by strong fitnah, I assume even in Pakistan, therefore sins like this can happen. However, Allah is most Merciful and forgives all sins if the person repents. If Allah has forgiven her, what makes you not forgive?

Zina

As you mentioned your anxious thoughts about whether she had sex with this man or not, I would like to tell you that Allah forgives all sins, even zina, if it happened.

“And those who invoke not any other ilah (god) along with Allah, nor kill such a person as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.

The torment will be doubled for him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;

Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [25:68-70] 

What I would concern about as her future spouse is that she seriously repented from these sins and promised to Allah to never do it again, and do efforts to replace it with good deeds.

Sins should be kept secret

You suppose not to even know about this lady’s past sins as we are not required to tell our sins to others. What Allah has covered should not be revealed.

“If someone commits a sinful act, which is against the Commandments of Allah, or is against the moral character, or is such an act that may cause harm to one’s honor, then he should keep it a secret and seek forgiveness from Allah in the darkness of night.

Zayd ibn Aslam narrated, ‘At the time of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him), a man admitted that he had committed fornication, so the Messenger of Allah asked for a whip. He was brought a broken whip, so he said: “Better than this.” Then he was brought a new whip…, he then said: “Lesser than this.’ So, he was brought a whip that was used and had thus become soft, and the Messenger (peace be upon him) ordered that he be whipped with it (a hundred times). He then said: “O People! It is time for you to refrain from transgressing Allah’s limits. He who commits some of these filthy acts (such as fornication), let him hide under Allah’s cover, for whoever admits what he has committed, we will establish Allah’s Book as regards him (by applying the warranted punishment for this sin).” [Musnad Ahmad]

You find many more hadeeth on this link about keeping sins in secret. So, she telling you about her past relationship, for me, is a sign that you can trust this lady. She could have simply hide it from you.

Focus on her character

I recommend you focus on her characters. Whether she matches you. What do you like about her? What makes you think she is a good match to you? Can you imagine having children with her? Do you have common goals and vision for the future? How does she handle conflicts? What are her “bad sites”, and are you Ok with them, can you easily handle them? What is the most think you dislike about her? Can you accept that she is just as imperfect as you?

There are many helping questions you could ponder on before marriage. Let me give you some useful articles that will help you to make sure, as best as you can, that you are marrying inshallah the right person:

Getting Ready for Marriage (video series)

How to Know You’re Marrying the Right Person? 4 Signs

Marriage: Most Common Questions Muslim Youth Ask

Before You Say ‘I Do’ :10-Step Pre-Marriage Checklist

Trust issues

You mentioned you feel you have trust issues. What you mentioned about your case does not confirm whether you have trust issues, but as it popped up in your mind, you might want to read more about it as trust issues can easily destroy your future marriage. May Allah protect you and everyone from it. Here is a good article about the topic, inshallah you will find it helpful. If you feel it is something serious, do not hesitate to seek professional help from a good therapist.

Last, but not least, make dua to Allah continuously that He gives you the right person and gives you clear insight about the steps you should take. If you have not, please now  pray istikharah!

May Allah make things easy and clear for you, amen.

Question 4. Sin Depression

Assalamu alaikum
I’m in depression. Because of my sin I can’t sleep and want to die. I don’t even want to marry someone because I think I’m not perfect for him. Everyday i pray and make dua but still can’t forget anything. It’s hunt when I try to sleep. I feel like my sin will throw me in danger in future and if my future husband know about my past I think he will divorce me. That’s why I don’t want to live anymore. What should I do ??

Answer:

Salam Aleikom sister,

Thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear that you are in a depressive state and your past sin has been hunting you. I am sorry to read that you fear getting married because of this.

Sister, please, do not despair! Allah says in the Quran so many times that He is the Most Merciful who forgives all sins if His slave turns to Him in repentance and do good deeds to compensate for the sin.

“And those who invoke not any other ilah (god) along with Allah, nor kill such a person as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.

The torment will be doubled for him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;

Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [25:68-70] 

Verily Allah ta’ala has written down the good deeds and the evil deeds, and then explained it [by saying]: “Whosoever intended to perform a good deed, but did not do it, then Allah writes it down with Himself as a complete good deed. And if he intended to perform it and then did perform it, then Allah writes it down with Himself as from ten good deeds up to seven hundred times, up to many times multiplied. And if he intended to perform an evil deed, but did not do it, then Allah writes it down with Himself as a complete good deed. And if he intended it [i.e., the evil deed] and then performed it, then Allah writes it down as one evil deed.” [Al-Bukhari] [Muslim].

He says He would bring other humans if we would not sin, because He loves those who repent. It is part of the human nature that we sometimes overstep the boundaries Allah has given us. What matters is that we always return to Him and learn from these occasions so that we never do this particular sin again.

Abu Ayyub Ansari reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: If you were not to commit sins, Allah would have swept you out of existence and would have replaced you by another people who have committed sin, and then asked forgiveness from Allah, and He would have granted them pardon. (Saheeh Muslim)

It is only Satan’s trick to make us feel miserable and unhappy. Do not let him win over you. Turn to Allah in your duas, ask Him to help you accept our imperfection, our repentance, and make this situation easy for you. Repent, do good deeds, and move on. Know yourself and avoid situations that you know might lead you to sinning. If you sin, ask yourself: why did it happen? What am I missing in my life that made me do this sin, and how can I fill this gap by halal ways? That is the recipe any time you feel you have sinned.

Quran, Breathing technique, Levanter

Read more about Allah’s mercy. Maybe you want to collect these ayas of the Quran, write them on a piece of paper and read them every day to remind you.

Also, when these negative thoughts come to you, stop them, and tell yourself anything that relaxes you. You might want to even imagine a stop sign.

Use a relaxation technique as well to calm yourself down at such times: breathe in for 4 counts, hold your breath for 4, then breathe out for 4. Repeat it a couple of times. This technique is even taught for soldiers in military camps to cope with stress. Use this technique to help you sleep besides maybe drinking a nice cup of lavender tea at night before sleep. Lavender has a very good effect of relaxing the person.

Getting married

You do not need to reveal sins to your husband. Islamically, you are not obliged to tell your past sins to him.

“If someone commits a sinful act, which is against the Commandments of Allah, or is against the moral character, or is such an act that may cause harm to one’s honor, then he should keep it a secret and seek forgiveness from Allah in the darkness of night.

Zayd ibn Aslam narrated, ‘At the time of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him), a man admitted that he had committed fornication, so the Messenger of Allah asked for a whip. He was brought a broken whip, so he said: “Better than this.” Then he was brought a new whip…, he then said: “Lesser than this.’ So, he was brought a whip that was used and had thus become soft, and the Messenger (peace be upon him) ordered that he be whipped with it (a hundred times). He then said: “O People! It is time for you to refrain from transgressing Allah’s limits. He who commits some of these filthy acts (such as fornication), let him hide under Allah’s cover, for whoever admits what he has committed, we will establish Allah’s Book as regards him (by applying the warranted punishment for this sin).” [Musnad Ahmad]

You find many more hadeeth on this link about keeping sins in secret.

No one is perfect

No one is perfect. He will not be perfect for you either. He will be a person who has committed sins as well. Only Allah is perfect. That is a big lesson we need to learn in life, which can be quite painful at times. What matters is that we can deal with these imperfections inside us in a healthy way, and we find a partner who can also deal with them. For whom we possess enough values that our imperfections are not big issues.

Also, do not forget that sometimes what you think as imperfect might be just perfect for someone else. For example, let’s say someone is not that good at managing money, but he finds someone who can and loves doing it. You see, how we can complete each other?

So, focus more on finding a husband who matches your character and aims. Whom you feel calm as, at the end, this is the purpose of marriage in Islam:

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (30:21)

Aboutislam offers many great articles on finding your spouse. I recommend a great video series: Getting Ready for Marriage (video series)

Depression

If you feel what I wrote you does not give you the relief you need, and your depression has been overtaking you to the extent that it interferes in your daily activities, please seek help from a professional who will be able to assist you face to face. It can be a psychologist, a counselor, or the imam of the mosque who comforts you that all sins are forgiven by Allah, if it helps. Aboutislam also offers a one to one counseling service.

May Allah bless you, protect you, and always help you to stand up and move on when it happens that you need to face your imperfections.

Amen,