Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you for participating in the session.
Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.
Question 1. Next Steps
A year ago I reverted, the same week I met a Muslim man to whom after having a halal relationship for two months fell in love, he asked me to marry me through nikah, registry in Ireland and we were also doing a walima or celebration western wedding this coming November. Since he was a refugee here in Ireland we started living together as we were going to have nikkah in a few days, however, the paperwork delayed because of change of iman, etc.
Three days before our nikka through the mosque and getting married through registry officially my fiance decided to call off everything and moved out leaving me heartbroken, with deposits pay for my wedding, and two days before our nikkah ceremony at the mosque. With no explanation I stayed waiting for him to answer the why of this complete change as we were really happy and we had had one fight the day only that he told me that he wanted to cancel everything and move out for a few days.
Yesterday, he reached out to me and says he still loves me and wants to date me again. I love him and we were already as husband a wife, he wants to come back home, but now it seems we are starting dating from zero but living together which is haram like before, I am very confused I love him as my husband, but he does not seem to want to talk now about nikah or what will be coming.
I am afraid to push now as we are starting again, but I feel he does not value me and he has date me already should I impose as condition to do nikkah and not living together until he does? I am afraid to lose him, but as a Muslim and a new Muslim I feel I am failing every day we are not married as least through the mosque in this state of haram.
Salam Aleikom sister,
I am so sorry to hear of your trials. It must be hard to love someone who does not seem to offer a stable partnership to you. In the meantime, I congratulate you on becoming a Muslim, mashallah. May Allah reward you and always keep you on the straight path.
First of all, I would like to reassure you that living with a man who is not your mahram (husband, father, brother….) is forbidden in Islam. Therefore, I strongly advice that if you wish for Allah’s blessing on your marriage, you never cross the boundaries Islam has established to you.
Do not risk it just because you are in love with this or any other man. I strongly advise you that if you have already been separated you stay like this until it is clear whether you can live with this man as husband and wife.
In the meantime, as you have sinned by living together before marriage, I advise you to repent to Allah and start a new page. Allah is Al- Rrahman Al-Raheem, so turn to Him and complain to Him with all your affairs. Ease your pain also by turning to Him and telling Him how you feel toward this man. That you feel he does not value you, as you said, and you want to clearly see what you should do about him.
As you are a new Muslim, you might be not aware that we have a beautiful prayer called istikhara prayer. We make this dua before any decisions. The companions of the Prophet used to make this dua even before choosing which shoes to wear in the morning, so in times of big decisions like a marriage, it is highly recommended to pray. It will inshallah help you clarify your decision.
Here is a good prescription about how to pray the istikhara prayer.
Sister, you wrote that you feel this man does not value you. You wrote that he called off the wedding after settling everything and now he wants to live with you but without marriage, if I understood it well. This is really wrong sister and a big red flag that this guy does not take this relationship with you serious.
I would strongly suggest that you not only follow your desires toward him, but think of marriage in a wider picture. This is why in Islam we must avoid any physical contact before marriage so that we do not wear those so called pinkly glasses when we make one of the biggest decisions in life. When it comes to marriage, you should ask questions such as:
Is he able to financially provide for me?
Do I feel stable with him emotionally?
How will we live together?
Can I respect him as the head of my home?
Are we matching together?
Here are some links that would help you better prepare for marriage.
I wish you all the best sister. I hope my answer provided you with some guidance. May Allah help you make the best decision inshallah.
Question 2. Tried to Know More About the Future
I trust Allah more than anything. But I have been so scared from past few days bc of my career and financial issues and I also had anxiety issues and idk why I just went to astrologer, they said good things but when I got out I felt so guilty bc it will reflect I don’t trust Allah but I do trust him. I repented for it. Will Allah accept my apology or he will think I don’t trust him? I reallyyyy dooooo trust him, sometimes my anxiety takes over me. I am so nervous! I am already in such a bad position will I have more problems now bc of what I did? I said sorry to Allah for it and apologized! 😞
Assalamu aleikom sister,
Thank you for trusting us with your concern. I am so sorry to read about your anxiety. At times, we all do get anxious. After covid, in the middle of a hard economic situation, it is not surprising that anxiety often takes over us and we feel we cannot handle the stress it comes with it. You are not alone sister with your hard feelings.
You said you trust Allah but you went to an astrologist in order to ease your anxiety about your future, and now you doubt whether you did the right decision. You think by asking for help to ease your anxiety is a sign that you do not trust Allah.
First of all, trusting Allah does not mean you do not seek help from others. That you sit back and wait until the challenges go away from above your head. As you know of the famous hadeeth: trust Allah and tie your camel. Let me copy a short part of an article on the meaning of trusting Allah. I highly recommend you read the full article.
“Tawakkul sometimes is mistaken for being laid back and thinking your problems will be solved without your intervention. Tawakkul (trust in Allah) should not be mistaken with giving up your efforts thinking that somehow your challenges will get resolved. Rather striving and working with the attitude that Allah will take care of your affairs and will help you in getting through your trials is part of you relying on Allah.
“Reliance does not mean you do not work for provision, neglect education or not apply for a job, and miss an interview deadline. Allah has decreed that we must work and it is from His ways that He give people when they strive.”
“Do not sit in your home and claim that your daily sustenance will come to you! Allah orders us to depend upon Him and to work at the same time. Thus, the act of striving for our sustenance is an act of physical worship while trusting in Allah is worship of the heart as Allah says:“
So seek provision from Allah and worship Him (alone). (Quran 29: 17)
So sister, you do the right thing when you actively do something to release your anxiety, and part of the process is seeking help from others. However, I strongly recommend that instead of an astrologist (which is basically a fortuneteller that we are prohibited to seek help from), you seek help from a therapist or psychologist if you feel anxiety is unbearable.
What To Do With Anxiety
Besides therapy, there are a couple of things you can do to ease your anxiety:
As Muslims, one of our biggest strength is our connection with Allah through duas. After each prayer, take your time and complain to Allah. Tell Him how hard is your heart right now and ask him to direct you to things that ease your pain. Tell Him, ask Him, talk to Him as He is the one who turns hearts and changes situations.
Sport is statistically one of the best ways to release your anxiety. It produces “happiness hormones” such as dopamine that helps you tackle your bad feelings. Do something that makes you happy such as walking, hiking, bicycling, running, or going to your local gym.
Pursuing a new hobby will also boost your energies and help you tackle your anxiety.
Meet Friends and Family
Surround yourself with people who are positive and bring you energy. Talk to them, do something uplifting with them, something makes you happy.
There is a very easy yet effective breathing technique that immediately calms down your anxiety: breath in through your nose for 4 counts, hold your breath for 4, then let it out in 4. Repeat it a couple of times.
Remember, any time you feel anxiety is too hard to deal with alone, seek help from your local therapist.
May Allah make things easy for you,
Question 3. Unintended hatred for parents -Dealing with unfair parents
Assalam alikum wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuh. I hate to post this question but I feel great hatred for my parents and family. They always treat me unfairly and are too harsh with me. They have unrealistic expectations from me which have become a burden that has piled upon me over the years. They always expect me to return all the favors they’ve done to me since my childhood and force me to feel pressured by their constant complaints & criticism. They never defend me. They’re very strict and make me feel emotionally and physically exhausted.
I’ve been bearing it for a very long time. Even after repenting for my sins I feel sinful because of them. I couldn’t help begging and making dua for death since I was a young teenager. Now I’m in my 20s. When I didn’t die due to my family pressures I wished in my mind for my parents ‘ demise which I’m aware is wrong but was left with no other feeling or option. I only have access to Islamic counselling for now. Once my brother tried to strangle me at Night but I forgave him and after many years when I opened up to my mother about it she showed no care for me. I always feel neglected by my family… I wish I was dead in peace could find peace in the afterlife at least. Please give me permission to pray for early death. Thank you. Jazak Allah khair.
I am sorry to read of your difficulties. It must be hard to feel like your parents do not care about you. You say, “They expect you to return all favors, and they have unrealistic expectations;” furthermore, “they complain and criticize you a lot.” I am sorry to read all these. May Allah make things easy for you.
Parents are our first caregivers and teachers in life, so oftentimes we look at them as perfect human beings who must care for our needs. However, the truth is that they are just as infallible creatures of Allah as we all are. They also have their own package from childhood, with patterns based on how they conduct their lives and their difficulties in life, such as finances, conflicts with others, or stress at work. Unfortunately, these all might affect the way they treat you.
I do not tend to defend them; I just want to have a more realistic view of them: they are human beings who do their best yet fall into mistakes. It might be good if you look at them for a moment through different lenses: what do you think makes them behave the way they do? What affects them? Maybe they reflect how your grandparents dealt with them? This might help you release a bit of your anxiety and stress. Anyhow, you do not deserve the neglect of your parents!
Oftentimes, parents parent their children in the same way they were treated, even if it is toxic. Life changes, and even if they want to do their best, they end up making mistakes. Neglect might also show up when there is too much stress on parents due to having many children or stress at work. It is not OK, yet it is the reality. In addition, as you grow up and form your identity, it might get harder and harder to live with your parents. You want your own freedom and way of conducting your life, and this causes many conflicts in your home.
Now, what can you do about it?
Pray to Allah. That is our first and foremost solution to problems as Muslims. Talk to Allah, complain to Him, and ask Him for help. You have a direct relationship with the One whose hand directs everything on Earth. Strengthen your relationship with Him, and He will never let you down, as he promised:
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) narrates that Allah Most High said, “I am as my servant thinks of Me, and I am with him when he remembers Me.” [Ahmad]
Try talking to a family member.
Is there anyone you trust and could talk to? Maybe an uncle or aunt who is close to your parents might be able to assist you?
Try talking to your mom again.
I know you already did; even when you approached her with such a serious issue as your brother’s ill behavior towards you, you received no care. But give it another chance and try talking to her at a time when you find her in a good mood. Open up and tell her everything honestly, including how you feel neglected and unheard. Tell her everything that is in your heart, and make dua before Allah opens up her heart.
If you want, you might want to write a letter to her in which you express all your emotions. Writing itself is a tool for healing.
Take care of yourself.
Sister, you expressed that you wished Allah would take your life away. This is not something we should wish for, as only Allah knows when we are ready for death. If at any time you feel these suicidal thoughts are overwhelming and you are actually about to take your life—which is haram and a big sin in Islam—do not hesitate to call your local suicidal hotline.
Your family is a strong part of your life, but it’s not the only part. You should not let them make you feel so devastated. See what else you can do that makes you happy. Start a new hobby, be with your friends more often, and exercise. Doing things that produce “happiness hormones” in your body will help you tackle your stress with your family as well.
I would strongly recommend you seek help from counseling. Inshallah, it will help you heal your wounds and move on from your negative thoughts.
May Allah make your life easier for you,
Question 4. Divorce or not?
My husband came to about my sinful past 2 weeks into our marriage through some Whatsapp messages on my phone. During our engagement I told him I had a past but didn’t tell in details because he said past is for Allah. But after he found out he became an angry person. He got verbally and mentally abusive. I had to start financially support myself. After I gave birth the same year he was physically abusive to me and my daughter (3 times). After 4.5 years I filed for divorce because we weren’t getting along. He resisted but finally agreed. Now my divorce is about to be finalized and I keep thinking I wronged him that maybe he wouldn’t have been like this if it weren’t for my past. I’m not confused about my feelings but I now fear the hereafter. Please advise.
Assalamu Aleikom sister,
Thank you for writing us. I am so sorry to hear of your divorce and the abuse that you have been through. May Allah make things easy for you.
You say you are not confused about your feelings and decisions about the divorce, but you fear this decision might affect your hereafter.
Sister, divorce can be not preferred or even recommended, depending on the circumstances.
“Among lawful things, divorce is most hated by Allah.” (Abu Dawud)
“There are genuine cases when divorce is the only option available. Here are a few valid reasons:
Physical, mental, or emotional abuse or torture. When one of the spouses becomes abusive and inflicts physical, mental, or emotional torture, and is not willing to change by taking practical measures through therapy or counseling, then it is a valid reason for seeking divorce, for the Islamic principle states, “There shall be no inflicting or receiving of harm.” Zhulm (injustice) is not tolerated in Islam, regardless of who the perpetrator is.” (Source)
Considering that you say your husband was verbally and even physically abusive toward you and your daughter is a clear sign that you had to leave this relationship. Abuse is a huge crime!
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behavior, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives”. (At-Tirmidhi)
So do not worry sister of your hereafter in regards to divorce. Allah knows your intention and the situation you have been through. It was not right from him that he abused you because of your past, especially that he also said that Allah forgives past sins.
You repented and stopped making that sin again, that was the most important. You did not even have to tell him of your past, you were not required.
So sister, even though divorce and moving on must be really hard for you, considering his action, it might been just the right choice. May Allah guide Him and purify his heart. You might want to make some dua to him that Allah guides him in the straight path.
Friday, Sep. 15, 2023 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.