Salam Aleikom dear brothers and sisters,

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 4 questions that sister Aisha has provided an answer for. We apologize for not answering all the other questions. If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming Live Sessions. Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1 – About marriage

My question goes like this.i have been separated from my husband for a year plus and I don\’t want to go back to him but I don\’t want to leave my kids behind please what will you advice me to do.

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session sister. As I understand your question you have been separated from your husband for a year-and-a-half and you do not want to go back to him. However you do not want to leave your children behind and that is understandable.

Information

Sister,  you did not provide a whole lot of information such as where you live, what the separation agreement included if there was one, as well as details concerning your children’s ages and your current status in terms of housing, jobs etc. These are important details to provide and to know when answering your question, however I will do the best that I can in sha Allah.

Not Going Back to Husband

Sister if you do not want to go back to your husband then I am sure you have good reasons why, as well as solid Islamic reasons that would support a divorce. In regards to your children if there is no contract in place that he is to have the children in the event of a separation or divorce, there should be no reason why you would have to leave your children behind.

Country, Location, Laws

Depending on the country you are located in there may be legal recourse you can take if needed. However I would suggest speaking with your husband when things are calm and coming to an agreement which is mutually beneficial regarding a divorce if that is what you’re going to do, as well as his relinquishing the children to your care.

Legalities of Husband not Willing to Relinguish Children

If your husband for some reason is not agreeable to these changes regarding the children, perhaps you may want to retain a lawyer. Again it depends on what country you live in and what rules and laws are there. If this is the case you may need a lawyer who specializes in international child custody law.

Mothers and Children

In most countries and in most instances, mothers will be given joint custody of their children as long as they are not abusive and they are able to provide a stable home. Most of the time mothers do have their children in the event of a separation or divorce. However in this case your husband already has the children in his care and this may be a consideration as to why you did not take them when you seperated.

Seek out Support

I kindly suggest in sha Allah that you reach out to your family, friends, and others who will be supportive of you during this time. You may also want to discuss with your family any living arrangements that may need to be made if you do not already have a suitable home for your children.

Additionally there should be community resources available to you to assist you in this transition. This would include Islamic centers as well as general community help and resources. You may also wish to look into a separation/divorce mediator who is a disinterested third party who can help you and your husband mediate through this process in a more balanced and conducive way.  

Conclusion

Insha’Allah sister you will be able to network and obtain the resources, information, and help needed to regain your children. Please do approach your husband first to discuss your plans but beprepared to have legal help should the need arise. We wish you the best.

Question 2. Future spouse

I keep thinking that i will get my destined spouse even though i met 3 person and their family,i dont get any kind of heart felt acceptance to any proposals given to me,it is stressing me,and confusing me who is the chosen one for me by ALLAH.

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session sister. We appreciate your question and your concerns about meeting the spouse who is chosen for you by Allah. Choosing a spouse is never easy although sometimes spouses are met through family, friends, in social situations such as Islamic conferences, the Masjid, school, work, and other social environments. As a Muslim it is pertinent to keep any meetings with the opposite sex halal.

A Spouse that is Chosen by Allah

As you are seeking the one that Allah has chosen for you, it is important in sha Allah that you do not become impatient with the process. This is on Allah’s time. By being inpatient, it could cause you to marry someone who is not truly for you. On the other hand if you marry someone without praying to Allah for guidance and without getting to know the person in a Halal way, it could also result in marrying the wrong person. If you never attempt to get to know a potential spouse in a halal way—it could be you by pass the one who is intended for you. Having a heart-felt feeling for someone is not always an immediate feeling. It often takes time.

Starting to Look for a Spouse

In sha Allah sister you have only met three people, that is not very many. Often times when seeking marriage, one will need to meet many potential prospects in order to find the one that is right for them.

Feelings within the Heart

Something else to think about sister is that often times you may meet a potential spouse and not feel any heart response immediately. However, Allah may put a feeling between the two of you should you get the option and chance to get to know the person. Again, getting to know someone you are going to marry is very important. It is to ensure that you have things in common and no serious conflicting personalities. This all can be done in a Halal way and it is very important to the marriage process. Allah may have somebody for you but you may not know it is the person until you started getting to know each other.

Keeping an Open Mind

In sha Allah sister, be open-minded as to who you are meeting, do have a criteria though, but be open to getting to know the person, and expand your horizons and options for meeting people. Even if in meeting someone you do not feel an immediate heart response, leave the option open to discover if your heart can grow for this person by Allah’s will.

Trust in Allah

Importantly, be patient and trust in Allah that He will bring the one to you that is for you. Stay close to Allah and make dua that Allah will bring you the one that is for you and that you will have the ability to recognize this blessing.  Pray to Allah for guidance.

Conclusion

In sha Allah you will soon meet the spouse that is for you, the one who is chosen by Allah. Also be aware that this could be a period of tests and trials regarding your patience and other details of choosing a spouse. In sha Allah do your due diligence to ensure it is the right person. As marriage is supposed to last a lifetime,  marriage is half our deen and is for the sake of Allah, in sha Allah one wants to ensure that they make good choices and decisions. I’m confident that soon you will find your spouse that Allah has for you. We wish you the best.

Question 3. Is it okay to leave your house if your parents are forcing you to marry someone you don’t like?

Salaam Alykum, I’m going to explain everything in detail so it’ll help u understand the situation better iA. I’m being forced to marry someone I don’t like. I already like someone. I know I have sinned by talking to him, I wasn’t supposed to talk to him but I was very depressed and he took me out of it. he used to give athan, khutbah and lead jumm’ah in school. he used to teach Qur’an in an islamic school. I was very far from the deen when I met him, and he helped me come closer to Allah swt. I started wearing hijab because of him and I’m doing hifz right now Alhamdulillah, which is also because of him. he motivated me. he taught me a lot about deen and dunya. we were getting ourselves ready to tell our parents about each other but a few days before that, I got a proposal from Pakistan. I told my parents I don’t like him but they didn’t listen to me. eveyrtime I tried to speak with them, they got mad and started cursing me and saying hurtful things to me and to calm the situation down, I used to tell them I’m happy with this proposal. they didn’t give me enough space to say no, and so I was very scared to tell them I like someone else. they took me to pakistan and got me engaged. a day before my engagement, I tried to speak to my mother again and she got really mad. she told me she would throw my return ticket away and leave me in pakistan. she made dua for me to die and I couldn’t do anything but to tell her I’m ready to get engaged. after I got engaged, I didnt know what to do so I told the guy I’m enagaged with that I’m not happy with my engagement and I told him everything that I was forced.  

after that my parents got really mad that they physically abused me. my dad tried to kick me out of the house. my dad said you either marry him or get out of the house. I again couldn’t do anything but to agree to get married. after that, my mother made me talk to the guy and make him think that I’m happy. I thought speaking to him will make me like him. but after speaking to him, I started disliking him even more. he promised me he won’t tell anyone when I told him everything but he told everyone, that made me dislike him even more than before. and the fact that he’s ready to marry me after knowing everything, is also concerning to me. he sent me songs and said haraam things which completely turned my heart away from him. I know i wasnt supposed to talk to the other guy and like him, but he never said anything haraam or inappropriate and he always respected me. he always told me to avoid talking for no reason. this guy is so different from me and I’m scared if i marry him, it’ll create a lot of problems. my parents are planning to get my nikkah done with him this June. the person I like and I decided to tell our mothers everything and they both denied. my mother told me that I have to accept it now, take it as a punishment, make a sacrifice, but I have to accept this, she cant do anything. the person I like is ready to get nikkah done with me and he’s financially able to support me and himself. but we don’t know if we will be sinful for doing that. in this situation, where I don’t have enough time, is it okay to leave our houses and start living on our own thinking that our parents will accept us after some time? I know it’s a sin to disobey our parents and leaving my house sounds very wrong. but on the other hand, they’re making me marry someone I don’t like and I’m scared it will ruin my life completely. it’s been 8 months since I’m in this situation and I’ve done everything I could’ve done to end this. I’ve talked to my parents so many times, there’s nothing else I can do now besides leaving my house. I’m sorry, please guide me towards whats right. I don’t want to make a wrong decision and regret for the rest of my life. the main question is, are we going to be sinful if we leave our parents for some time thinking that they will accept us after some time? thank you for your time and understanding. JazakAllah Khayr

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session sister. I am so sorry to hear about what is going on in your home in regards to the issue of marriage. First of all, in Islam a woman has the right to marry who she wants as long as he is Islamically acceptable which your previous proposal with the other boy seems to be a very good one. What you wrote about the person who you truly want to marry appears to be more Islamic than the one you are being forced to marry, however only Allah knows.

Parents Threaten Over Not wanting Arranged Marriage

With that said you are worried about sinning if you leave your parents home to marry the boy that you really care about. It seems to me that forcing you to marry this person in Pakistan is haram because as stated earlier you do have a choice in who you marry. Additionally, your parents are abusing you physiclly and mentally when you state your objections against this marriage.

Your Life

Just because you do not marry the person your parents demand that you marry, does not mean you are committing a sin, it is your life. You are the one who has to live with this person and take the consequences of how it turns out, not your parents. Your parents may have reasons they want you to marry him-which has nothing to do with Islam, but with culture. You apear to be more concerned with Islam rather than cultural norms when it comes to marriagealhumdulilah.

Marriage-A Personal Choice

Marriage is a very important decision and it is even more so important to try to ensure the person you are marrying is truly an upright and practicing Muslim as well as trying to ensure that the two of you have things in common and are compatible. This can be done in halal ways.

Signs of a haram and disrespectful Start

Based on what you have written you have tried to get to know this person in Pakistan and you still do not like him and have found him to be disrespectful as well as he is doing some things that are haram and it scares you. There is no reason why you should marry this person it could lead to a very horrific marriage and life. Additionally your parents even though they love you and think they have your best interest at heart, are making a grave mistake by trying to force you to marry this person. They are abusing you, threatening you, as well as making Dua for you to die, these things are all Despicable to Allah and are haram.

Leaving Home

Sister I kindly suggest insha’allah that do you consider option of leaving your home. Currently and most important, you are being abused. Never should you put up with abuse from anyone-parents included!! It is not Islamic!  Your parents do not seem like they will listen to reason nor take into consideration your best interests in this situation.

Of Legal Age & Choices

As you are 20, you are of legal age to make your own choices. You may wish to consider the choice to marry the man who loves you, can support you, as well as provide a marriage Foundation which is based upon Islamic values. This can be a blessing insha’Alah.

Depend on Allah swt

Please do pray to Allah for guidance as you are making this decision.  However, as your dad did you give you the ultimatum to either marry the person in Pakistan or get out of the house, and being that you were already planning to marry the other boy and he seems very stable both financially and islamically and you do care for each other –perhaps a marriage with him as you were already planning will be the best course of action.

Looking to the Future

While there is no guarantee that in the future your parents will accept you marrying the other boy, at least you will have married someone who respects you, whom you have things in common with, and one who truly loves Allah and Islam. Lastly, a person such as this insha’Allah, can provide a good marriage foundation based on Islamic values. While your parents may not accept it, at least you are pleasing Allah by choosing one who insha’Allah has stronger Islamic principles and insha’Allah will continue to bring you closer to Allah.

Conclusion

Sister, in the long run we all must decide what is more important to us in our lives. In your case, it is  either choosing one who can provide a solid Islamic grounding and foundation insha’Allah; one who cares about you and respects you- or one who seems to not care about Islam evidenced by haram actions towards you. The person in Pakistan appears to not really care about Islamic values as he disrespects you and send you haram things. Perhaps if you married him it would het better, however people tend to show their „best sides” prior to marriage…is this his best side”?  Insha Allah sister please think about this and if Allah puts it in your heart please do leave your home and marry the brother who is respectful, Islamic and sincere in his intensions towards you. We wish you the best.

Question 4. Marriage

I would like to get married, but I am poor. I am not indigent alhumdullillah, but since converting to Islam in 2019, I’ve never actually reached the nisab threshold. I try to learn more about Islam as much as I can, I do my salah on time,  I go to jummah,  I try to give in charity when I can, and I volunteer around the mosque. I just moved to a city that has a decent amount of Muslims living here. I came from a relatively small city in NC where there was only around 100 Muslims in total. No one there was able to help me locate someone for marriage. I honestly don’t know what to do, I have a hard time imagining someone saying “look at that guy with almost no money, no college degree, who doesn’t have his own place, he looks like marriage material.”. To be frank I try and look away when I see couples who look happy, because it makes me sad. At this point I just kind of assume I’ll be alone forever. I just turned 27 last month, and I was finally able to get out of my parents house as well. Neither my mother or step father were particularly happy with me converting to Islam.

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session brother. If I understand your situation correctly you would like to get married but you feel you are too poor to get married. I can imagine you feel very frustrated by this but there are ways to improve your situation insha’Allah as well as learning about others who have married when the husband was not financially successful at the time.

Reverted to Islam & Striving to Learn

You reverted to Islam in 2019, alhumdulilah (may Allah bless you and make your path easy) and you are trying to learn more about Islam as you can. You do your Salat on time, you go to jummah, and you try to give in charity, as well as volunteer around the Masjid. These are all telling acts of worship which indicates genuine love of Allah and Islam.

Seeking a Spouse

At this point in your life, you wish to be married. Previously you lived in a small city in North Carolina where there were only about 100 Muslims and your prospects for marriage were very slim. At this point you do live in a much larger city and insha’Allah there will be more opportunity for you to find a spouse.

Marriage is an important Step

Getting married is a very important step in Islam and it is said that is half our Deen. Marriage is a contract and relationship between a husband and a wife. It is a relationship of kindness, mercy, trust and companionship. In Islam, marriages have foundations built upon Islamic foundations and principles. As marriage partners, husbands and wives are to be a comfort to one another and a covering of protection.

Finding a Wife

In sha Allah brother I encourage you to reach out to the brothers at the Masjid you now attend. Inform them of your intentions for marriage as well as the imam at the Masjid. The more people who know and are aware that you are seeking a wife the better chances you will have of finding one. Also, attend Islamic events and social gatherings, lectures, etc. to increase your chances.

Concerns About Finances

I understand your concern about not making a lot of money however there are married couples who have married in college while both are studying. It may be that both work part-time and attend school or maybe only one works. It is the agreement that they have made in order to make their marriage work. Yes of course in Islam as the husband it is your obligation and duty to support your wife and whatever children you have in the future. That is one of your responsibilities, however in this day and age some couples are opting to marry before the husband is fully financially able to support a family due to wanting to be together, not wanting to commit zina, wanting to fulfil their deen in terms of marriage, as well as other reasons. The ultimate goal however is that within a few years the husband will be able to be financially responsible.

Dual Incomes

In this day and age because of inflation and economic expenses which are exorbitant, a lot of times the wife will have to work. This is not ideal in Islam obviously, however whatever the wife contributes to the finances is a blessing because she does not have to. Whatever a wife earns is hers to keep so if she does contribute to the household expenses for the purposes of being married it is a blessing. Additionally, a lot of women do want to work and have careers they love. However, the same Islamic laws and priciples apply in this situation as well. The husband is to be the financial supporter. Some women however do agree to marry under financial complications because they see the man is a good Muslim, loves Allah, tries his best to please Allah, and actively seeks to improve his financial lot in life. Insha’Allah, seek women who put Allah first in their quest for marriage.

Be Happy for Others

When you see couples who are married and happy, you stated that it makes you sad. Brother please be happy for these couples because as Muslims we are supposed to want for others what we want for ourselves, yes? When you get married I am sure there will be others who are single and see you. You would want them to be happy for you. When we are happy for others we are blessed in return.

Self Esteem & Self Confidence

Brother, when seeking a wife please try to increase your self-esteem and self-confidence. You may want to read some books or take some classes on self confidence. If a woman meets you and is initially interested, if you have feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, and low self-confidence because of your financial situation, that woman may be able to feel that vibe from you and that may be discouraging. She may be discouraged, not because you are not rich, but because you have low self-esteem and low self confidence.

Overcoming Obstacles

In sha Allah make a list of all the blessings and good things that Allah has provided for you. Make a list of the ways you can increase your job skills, career aspirations, as well as income. Get creative in your ideas. There is no reason why you cannot climb the ladder of success either in your current job or by looking for another job. This may entail upgrading your skills.  However there should be community centers and employment offices that can help you do this as well as possibly give you grants to take classes. This will  insha’Allah help you increase your pay scale, self esteem & confidence!

Trust in Allah

Brother, make dua to Allah to help you improve your financial situation as well as to help you find a wife. There are many that marry and do not have abundant income, however what they do have is an abundance of love and dedication to Allah and Islam which is priceless. In fact most women seek a husband who loves Allah, Islam, and one who strives to a good Muslim, rather than one who is rich and is not following Islam. Please keep in mind your true value in the sight of Allah because that is what really matters. Inshallah you will find a wife soon! We wish you the best.