Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Here are the 8 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours below, please check our upcoming session or submit your question there.

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Blaming Myself That This Marriage Did Not Happen

I have had a difficult past with my upbringing, with a lot of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I have talked to a psychologist and alhmadulillah I’m doing better now.

I am dealing with feeling very guilty and sad because of all the mistakes I have done in my past and in the recent past (bad habits like PM, listening to music, illicit relationship). Alhmadulillah, I have been able to repent every time I committed these sins, however, I used to fall back every now and then. Alhamdulillah since a few months I have been able to stop all these sins all together and I keep striving in praying on time, reading Quran and being a good family member and friend for my community.

However, recently, I got to know a brother who said he wanted to get to know me for marriage. I insisted for him to come and talk to my wali; he didn’t approach my wali because he was not ready to get married (student; no house or financial means). We broke off contact because we couldn’t get married in the short term and we didn’t want to fall in haram.

However, I keep blaming myself that marriage didn’t happen for me now with this brother because Allah is perhaps punishing me because if my mistakes, because these mistakes/bad habits also occasionally happened during the time I talked to the brother. I feel like I am a bad person. The brother and I closed contact well and he said he was very happy to know me and he was impressed by my character and he would love to contact me again to proceed for marriage once he is stable and actually ready. He said the only reason he couldn’t proceed was because he realized he couldn’t manage a marriage right now with the means and mentality he has right now. I feel I don’t deserve him because of my mistakes and I feel maybe it is because of my own wrong doing. I feel whenever I do/try a good deed, it is nothing compared to the wrong I have done. Now I have left those sins all together and I try strive to be better; however, after I lost this brother, I feel heartbroken and punished although I know Allah has my best interest.

A side note: during the contact with the brother, no physical contact has occurred and important marriage questions have been spoken about and there was definitely compatibility, only due to his study, finances and realization later he couldn’t handle a marriage right now, we decided to leave it so we won’t be engaged in haram. During the course if the contact, I was sometimes quite distant (not calling often, not meeting in person often) because I wanted to protect myself and put barakah in my process.

My questions:

– Is Allah punishing me or is this only a part of his Decree?

– Does Allah love me?

– Could Allah bring back this person in a halal way back in my life or am i too bad to deserve a happy marriage with someone i really admired?

– Was it right for me to keep my distance during the contact, or does it come off as cold?

– what practical advice do you have for me to leave my past behind me and to is this Ramadan to really transform myself without constant guilt and sadness about was has passed?

Jazakallahua khayran in advance. Please help me out with these questions.

Answer:

Question 2. Muslim Dating Apps – I Feel I’m Displeasing Allah

Salam

I have some issue that’s going to make me get married early I’m 18 will be 19 in few days so my parent said I should look for someone and get to know her for 2 to 3 years and then get married. So, I started using Some dating apps and I feel depressed because I feel like I\\\’m displeasing Allah because the girls on this dating app are not properly dressed, they are dressed kinda naked both on Muslim dating app and the normal ones. I\\\’m really confused I don\\\’t know what to do I don\\\’t want to displease Allah I don\\\’t know if you can help me out because I feel depressed kinda frustrated.

Jazak Allah kairan

Answer:

Question 3. My Sexuality and Marriage

Hi, I am bisexual, but I really want to marry a girl and have a family, but I know a good Muslim girl will not accept a man such as myself. Is it ok if I just keep that part of my life hidden from a girl and marry her?

I would prefer to just be honest but in the past when I talked to girls and told them about myself, they would either lose interest or push me really hard to make sure that part of my life is over, but I can’t give an honest answer because I don’t know.

I was molested when I was very young and then I forgot about it, and then a few years later these subconscious thoughts apparently sat in the driver’s seat as I began puberty, so these feelings are very deeply ingrained in the core of my mind. I was hypersexual ever since I was a child and I still am now, and it’s really impacted my life negatively.

I don’t understand what direction my life is supposed to go in. I feel like no matter which direction I go; I will be miserable. At this point I feel like I should just try and find a good Muslim girl and just lie to her and hide that part of myself. But I’m just hesitant because I don’t want to ruin someone’s life. I don’t know what to do. Is there any possible way I could still have a family?

Answer:

Question 4. My Fear Is Destroying My Masculinity

Hi All,

I’m 26 years of age and I long for a family with a loving wife and children. As a Muslim, I prefer to get married soon but my private part is small while I’m 6 feet tall and Alhamdulillah, everyone compliments me on my looks to have an actor appearance. I have a good job, breadwinner of my family and take good care of my family and myself.

It is the only problem that is eating me up. I can’t imagine a situation where my own wife will look less of me as a man and I’ve to live an entire life with fear, doubts and uncertainty. This is destroying my masculinity and preventing me from getting married.

I’ve been asking Allah for almost a decade to bless me with a bigger private part so I’ll be content with myself and can love another person wholly. I do not see my answers getting prayed and I’m at the point of giving up. I think my life is doomed and Allah does not care or if he likes to see me suffer with this. Having said that, I’m still grateful for all the other good things in my life blessed with by Allah.

I’d appreciate someone to help me with your thoughts. Please do not send me the usual replies about comparing my life, Shariah and gratitude. I come from a humble family and I’ve been practicing gratitude and I feel bad for people who are at worse than me. But my problem is my biggest problem. I need solution which does not exist in this world. Please let me know if there’s a solution in addressing this major problem that is affecting my confidence, self-esteem and masculinity.

Answer:

Question 5. Mother-in-Law Wants to Change My Character; Help!

I am asking for advice and help on what to do. I have been married for 5 months now and I have been having on and off issues with my MIL. My husband on the other hand is very caring and kind and always apologizes on her behalf, and I keep telling him it’s not his fault why are you apologizing.

A bit of background on the family:
1. Both my parents and his parents are from South Asia, but me and him were both were born in the West.

2. His younger brother got married before us into a rich family and it was a love marriage that was kept secret (husband told me they liked each other in college and high school and when his mother found out she lost it and it took them 2- 3. years for her to accept her. But I have a feeling because the girl comes from a rich well brought up background, she can easily accept her because guess what money talks to them.
4. My parents are from the south where there usually aren’t many Muslims, his are from the north where everywhere you look there are Muslims.

5. We have been living with the in-laws since our marriage because 1) we were waiting on his residency to move out but he didn’t get it 2. we are finically unstable. He is middle class I’m poor middle class. Hence also why I feel like I am treated differently.

SO far what has happened:
– She tells her son how she wishes for me to be and he secretly tells me because she doesn’t want her son to tell me what’s going on in her mind. I like to stay quiet I am an introvert, when we met, he was okay with this. However, I feel like he’s forcing me to change in order to get along with his family and I keep telling him didn’t you fall in love with me the way I was when we first met?

He’s like yea but my mother wants you to talk to my siblings and be talkative like his younger sister-in-law. But I am not her I feel like she messed things up for me because everyone wants me to be like her. She’s like me quiet stays in the room talks less dress like me too. The rich daughter-in-law wears designer clothes and stuff.

Anytime MIL gets upset she stays quiet not talkative and I have to tiptoe like glass is all over when I speak to her and blunt replies too like how I’ve seen with other people’s questions on this site. The thing is my husband won’t tell her how I feel he thinks she will think it is talking back.

If I can’t get my idea across to my husband how I feel then what good is he, hence I feel like I am losing interest in him, loving him less and less each day. I don’t know who to talk to I’m alone up here I have no friends and no family nearby. I only have my husband as support and now because he can’t help, I’m left to fend for my own. This eating me up cause Islamically I am not being a good wife to him, I wanna make isthikhara and see if I should leave him. I even thought about going back to my families place to make them realize you guys made a mistake in forcing me to change. It’s a relationship between me and my husband not the family, we will be together in Jannah we won’t know anyone else even our parents.

I don’t know what to do please help I’m all alone.

Answer:

Question 6. How to Deal with Imposter Syndrome as a Muslim

Salam. I have intense feelings of imposter syndrome when it comes to being a Muslim. I don’t know as much as others and it makes me sad that people think more highly of me than what is true. They probably think I am so pure and pious, but I have a past I regret every day and at times I feel like I want to share this but I know I shouldn’t. I can’t get over feeling like I’m such a fraud & one day I will be exposed for the person I used to be, even if I know I would never be that way ever again and haven’t in years. Allah has concealed my sins amazingly, but I can’t shake the thought that He will throw a test at me where these are unconcealed and my life is ruined. 🙁 Or that someone will ask me a religious question and when I say “idk” they will know I am not that educated and am probably faking it all.

Answer:

Question 7. Scared That He Will Expose My Past to My Fiancé

I am 24 yr old practicing female actually when I was in college 16 yrs old I use to casually chat with a guy but when I said my friend, she started texting him and came into relationship with him.

Years went on and now I got engaged to this guy’s best friend. I am scared that this guy may expose me. And it’s not for now it’s for life he is relative as well and our community is strict as well, they don’t give second chances as well I am not been able to take a decision because if later, he exposes me after some yrs as well my husband would think bad about me. I am already going through a lot in life. I have waited my whole life. I am thinking about telling my parents the truth please tell me what to do.

Answer:

Question 8. Daughter Does Not Keep Ramadan, Please Help!

My daughter smokes weed, she is not fasting and not reading Quran so I need help because its Ramadan.

Answer: