As salamu alaikum brother,
Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry that you have been sending your questions and keep getting rerouted. I do apologize, may Allah forgive us. As I understand your situation you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. You are concerned with the permissibility of a Muslim to recall or remember-bring to mind a voice that used to insult Allah with dirty words. You want to know if it is a huge sin to remember this voice that blasphemy Allah.
Mental Illness and Intrusive Thoughts
Brother with the situation being that you have obsessive-compulsive disorder, there are probably intrusive thoughts that you are suffering from which you have no control over. Given that you have a mental health disorder, Allah may provide provisions for those who are disabled, are psychologically, mentally ill, or have other mental issues, are sick or otherwise incapacitated, or not in control fully. In the Qur’an it says ““Allah does not hold the soul responsible for more than its capacity.” (Sura al-Baqara 2:286)”.
Mental Illness and Judgement
Your OCD may cause you to remember and bring to mind these horrid thoughts about Allah. Allah knows your heart brother and he knows that if you had a choice, is not what you would be doing. However obsessive-compulsive disorder does have features of intrusive thoughts which are very difficult to control. With that said, it could be that Allah understands the situation and your illness and why these thoughts come. It may be that in Allah’s mercy, you are not under judgement for not being able to control these thoughts. It may be that you are. It depends on your degree of awareness, control and level of mental illness. Only your psychologist can determine your level of mental illness.
Allah is Most Merciful
Allah is most merciful and he does love us. Allah knows you better than you know yourself. Regarding the blasphemous thoughts which cannot be controlled at this point, you may not be responsible for them. I hope this helps some and provides relief from your worry. Brother if this is not helpful, please do ask your psychologist about your mental health illness and if he feels that you are responsible for your thoughts. This is what they do in court cases. They ask a psychologist to testify in regard to a person’s ability to make decisions, make rational choices and generally be found competent. While this is not court, it would be a professional medical opinion which you may find more conclusive.
We wish you the best, you are in my prayers.
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