Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Alhamdulillah that you have found someone you want to marry and your parents agree on the same. However, they want you to wait until he has finished his education, yet you are concerned that you will fall into sin if you wait.

You are right to be concerned, and this why it is recommended to marry and to do so early so as to not give you an opportunity to commit sin. Unfortunately, it seems that your parents are not on board with this as well so you need to carefully consider your opinions or which there are several to think about.

If you feel comfortable, you could just be completely honest with your parents about why you feel you cannot and should not wait to get married. They have already been in a similar situation before so they will have some understanding of the types of feelings you face as you get to the age where you wish to get married. This way they will be able to be more sympathetic to your situation and may change their mind, or at least consider an alternative option that may bring things forward. Failing that, they can at least be there to support you at this time as you wait to have a full understanding of what you are going through.

In this case, try to take some time also to understand their concerns as parents. They want what’s best for you and probably fear that if has not achieved his education and career then perhaps he could not fulfil his roles as a husband and thereof they may just be making sure that he is best for you, or stop you both from falling into difficulties, such as finances before marriages knowing from experience that such things can have a big impact on whether a marriage will be successful. So, you also need to try and see from their perspective also and this will help you to also feel more understanding of why they are placing such conditions on you

Then, on one hand, you could go ahead with the nikah in secret, however, there are many challenges to consider here such as finding a mahram for yourself and the fact that it would be incredibly difficult to keep such a big thing secret. It may be years down the line but eventually, they would find out and until then you would be restricted in not being able to live as a married couple to avoid them finding out. These things could end up destroying your marriage in the end, although you would be able to be in contact with one another without falling in to sin.

Then there is the entirely opposite choice of going with your parents’ desires and waiting until he has finished his education and training, but avoid contact with him to avoid falling into sin. If you continue as you are, meeting and talking before marriage, the chances are that you will develop stronger feelings for each other and this will make it even more difficult to prevent yourself from falling in to sin. If you take this route, perhaps you could arrange meetings with him every now and again but with your parents present in an environment where you simply can’t fall into haram. You might think about trying this out for a prescribed amount of time before reassessing the situation. If it becomes too difficult and the urges become too strong, then maybe you consider the other options.

If you take the route of going with your parents choice and waiting whilst eliminating and unacceptable contact with him,  try and keep yourself busy with other things that will help to keep your desires under control. Do things you enjoy doing, take on extra activities, and focus on achieving set goals, spend time with good friends.

Take time to consider your different options and their potential consequences keeping in mind what Allah would say and therefore which will be most pleasing to Him as well as beneficial to you. For example, to wait for 3 years whilst avoiding contact is admirable, it also deprives you of catering to your desires that would otherwise be acceptable if you were married.  On the other hand, you could get married and therefore avoid potential sin,  but this would make your parents upset whilst we are supposed to respect them and this will make for tricky family relations. Take time to think about it for yourself and then you could even consult with people that you trust and are close to you. They will be able to advise you from a rational perspective that’s not tainted by emotions you may have already developed for this man.

May Allah guide you to make the choice that is most pleasing to Him and best for you.